A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:There's this guy.We met almost a month ago. We like each other. We usually text each other everyday and call each other. We actually met out, and we kissed, but we just exchanged numbers and started talking. So this guy always calls me babe. We've been trying to get together since we met, but things just haven't worked out for us. So last weekend, he didn't talk to me for a few days. Then he texted me and he was like You gotta cheer me up my friend just passed away. So i tried, but honestly, I'm not great at being a supportive emotional person. I just told him if he needed to talk he could talk to me, or if he needed a distraction, I was there. I checked up on him again the next day, but he was drinking. I left him alone. It's been 4 days since I last talked to him. I think about him alot. I really like him. I really want to be there for him. I'm not sure what his disappearance means but I dont want to seem too aggressive either. I really want to help this dude and be there for him. I just had some bad experiences in the past, and I don't want to rush it or push anything. I'm trying to give him his space, but he hasn't gone not contacting me this long since we met. What should I do?
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female
reader, d'writer  +, writes (28 March 2011):
 Just contact him, if you don't feel like calling him just send him a text message just to let him know that you are concerned about him. There is no harm on your part if you contact him just to know how he's been doing. Don't expect for a reply so that it won't frustrate you. Keep in your mind that you are doing it for the sake of friendship or just for 'old times sake' and you will be ok.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo should I contact him? Its been 4 days, and he hasn't said a thing to me. I'm normally not the type of person to reach out to people, but I want him to know that I do care. I did let him know that by saying it. I just don't really know how much space is enough, or all of that. I guess I'm confusing being there for him at this trying time with how new our friendship or whatever is and the whole ordeal of trying too hard and playing it cool.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): Hello,Aunt Scotland here.Your relationship issues sound very similar to my own at the moment although I am older (should be wiser!!) and his and my life is slightly more complicated. But!!!... and its a big but there are 2 major issues at stake here. Firstly is understanding men/his mental states and then yours - but not necessarily in that order!!!Men are different to women - they struggle to multi task and rarely fret about relationships like we do - so all the torment you are putting yourself through at the moment, well, he probably won't be as in as much stress - so why should you let yourself be!! Men shut down very easily and women try to nudge the door open, a bit like getting a tortoise to come out of it's shell. The answer is more simple than we know. You cannot prise a tortoise out - let it come out when it feels ready to BUT!!! DO NOT BE THERE waiting for him when he does. And this is where you come into it - if you are being honest with yourself and can put your hand on your heart and admit that you haven't been pushy, needy etc etc then you don't deserve to be treated thus. If he is interested and wants you back, he will come after you and then you need to sit him down and calmly and confidently tell him that if there is to be a relationship between you then this kind of immature and selfish action has to stop and communication must commence. Because his silence is not fair on you and causes you worry and concern.Men can be very selfish creatures - if in your heart of hearts you sens he is selfish, leave him be - you won't change that. And by the sounds of it you deserve and will find someone better.I am at that place exactly in my mife right now. Got cheated on by my husband of 16 years (with a girl 16 years younger than him) my self-respect/self-worth was rock bottom and I am trying to convince myself that showing my new man love, affection, assurance and suport and buying the odd small gift or 2 is NOT a crime and does NOT make me insecure and needy.It means I am a kind and thoughtful and loving person and I WILL NOT CHANGE. Men automatically think this of women - it['s almost as the the tougher and colder we are the more they like the chase which is crazy because a chase can't go on forever, So ..... I have collected what is left of my newly broken heart, self-respect and self-worth and am taking myself off for a long walk. I will not get in touch with him again - the ball is in his court. Maybe one day he will contact me, maybe one day he will realise those strong feelings he had for me at the beginning but I CANNOT wait around and put my life on hold = very unattractive and definitely needy and in the meantime if asked out by a nice fella - I WILL DATE AGAIN!!! And so should you.Always important to summarize......so here goes....you sound mature and nice - we know our weaknesses and strengths but WE MUST be strong and not take all the blame and allow ourselves to be walked over - funnily enough - once this is conveyed to any repentant/returning/prodigal partner the attraction should return and the relationship may even strengthen. Then YOU MUST talk and be honest about your needs, wants and what will and will not be acceptable in your relationship from then on. Listen to your head and your heart. You have to live with yourself for the rest of your life so make yourself the fun, smart, sassy and respectful person you admire the most. And GOOD LUCK xxxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): Just still try to be there for him during his trying moment, I mean just make your presence by sending him messages to know how he's been doing. I know it's disappointing to know that a man could not rationally handle their emotions during trying moments, it turns us off. You can only help him if he wants to help himself first...you are doing good, don't be too emotionally attached to him.
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