A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm 17 and my boyfriend is 20. He grew up with his mother, a heroin addict, until he was 9, in very unstable conditions. His father would visit him (although they moved around a lot so it was hard for them to keep in touch - his mum and dad were never a couple). Then he went briefly into foster care before going to live with his dad, who he lived with until he was 18. He gets on well with his dad, who seems relatively responsible.He hasn't seen his mum since he was 9. She used to write to him very occasionally but basically she hasn't made the effort. In he last heard from her when he was 16, until very recently. A few months ago she gave his dad her email address to give to my boyfriend. It's a pretty huge thing for him. He doesn't talk about her much, and usually if he does he calls her a 'fucking smackhead' before going all quiet and teary. I hate to see him like this.Anyway he eventually emailed her, I don't know what he said but I know he spent a long time thinking about it. A while later, she emailed back very casually saying she'd call him. She hasn't, and its been months now. Then yesterday she emailed again saying she was really sorry she didn't call and that she's been very busy moving house and had no phone. He said it was all excuses and he bets she's still on smack and she's a useless waste of space, and then burst into tears.I had a fairly happy childhood, parents still together, blah blah blah. I don't know what to say to him. How can I help? I hate to see her getting his hopes up like this. I know he really cares for her. She hasn't bothered to see him in a decade and they are strangers! What should he do? What should I do?Help! I love him to pieces. We've been together over a year and he's helped me through stuff and this is really a huge thing to him. I think it's a big contributing factor to most of his problems. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, BunnyTee  +, writes (20 May 2010):
 I suspect you may be correct in your observation that his feelings regarding his mother may be a big contributing factor most of his problems.
As much as you may really want to "fix" this for him, you can't. You can help and support him through it , certainly. But he must navigate his own way.
I'd venture to say that the sporadic contact with his mother is very hurtful to him as evidenced by his going quiet and teary. Sadly, he has a "tough row to hoe" in this matter.
He's probably both hurt and angry at the same time in this. Those are two very powerful and difficult emotions to handle simultaneously for virtually anyone. I think the best you can do is offer him compassion, and understanding and let him know that you're there for him if or when he feels ready to open up about the matter. Have you suggested to him that there is professional help for people who must deal with circumstances like his own? There are groups like Al-Anon that specialize in this area. Perhaps all he needs to know is that you won't abandon him, like he no doubt feels his mother did? You could very well be doing him the best favor anyone has ever done for him in suggesting he seek help. Maybe consider offering to go with him? Best of luck!
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