A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met my australian boyfriend last year. He has since had to move home but I travelled over and spent a month with him. Now we have a big decision to make and he is freaking out. We both decided I would move over there in May but I may struggle to get a working visa so we have to consider the option of getting married next year. We both agreed we would do this but now he is being very distant with me.When I phone him he wont give me a straight answer except that he he doesnt want to be responsible for my future if the relationship doesnt work out.He says he loves me and wants me to come back but feels scared and pressured about the future.Im willing to take a chance and spend a few months there to see do we have a future but he cant just think of the here and now, instead he is focusing on the future.Its gotten to the stage that he rarely contacts me.How can I help him stop feeling so pressured. I have tried talking calmly to him but with so much distance its hard. Now im getting worried that its a bad decision to go.I dont know what to do and how to calm down to think things through properly Reply to this Question
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female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (13 March 2008):
 Stop going out with him. Find someone who lives nearby you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): I can only speculate what might be going through his head.
I recall when I was younger, unmarried, I had fears of being layed off from work, or not making enough money to support a family.
First, I didn't know how much was needed to support a family; if it were twice what I needed for myself, then I couldn't afford it.
Second, when someone is afraid that they may not live up to expectations, as stated about your future if it doesn't work out, then he may not feel as if he is worthy, and he may feel that he is a failure because of past experiences. He is probably the type of guy who wants to do things right, and when things go sour, he may get frustrated because there is nothing he can do about it.
Just a thought. You know him better, and you can attempt to discuss his reasons, maybe insight will help you with him by telling him; bringing it up things that your concerned about, who can take care of it or you can take care of it. Partners are a team effort. The one that takes care of certain things should be the one that wants to or has knowledge and can do it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): This is a biggy rarely, especially when it involves leaving countries, the total dependence on partners until things are established for you etc.
You very sensible to rarely think hard about this one. I would first suggest that getting married for this purpose is perhaps foolish. It could be that he rarely is not ready for that step with you and is freaking out a bit. So seriously consider if that is something still on the table - especially for you. The foundations for a marriage are so important and I don;t think most of us would have on our list of good reason, something that says I have to to move to Australia. It would be much easier to get the work permits etc, than have what effectively would be a fake marriage. Making decisions like this is all part of the pro's and cons of this relationship.
My suggestion would be to spend some time there as permitted, yes finacially the expense would strain you and you would need to leave again when time is up. But at least that way you have not completely uplifted your life, put all your eggs in one basket on a hope and a prayer. Be sensible with your committments as well. He is wavering and withdrawing from the sounds of things, so perhaps he is having second thoughts. You may discover this is you call off the wedding and permanant moving options. Just suggest you do spend the time there as a temporary messure, see how he responds to that. Maybe you are wanting him to say COME, MARRY ME AND LIVE FOREVER WITH ME, and he is not saying that. You need to get what he wants out and straight up. Fair on you and fair on him.
I would like to say that I hope this all works out, but in a way I feel that already the initial intentions may have changed, which is dissappointing, but maybe for the best in the long run.
All the best.
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