A
male
age
36-40,
*creenname11
writes:Ok so, I've been dating this girl for nearly a year and a half. Right now we live about an hour apart so I go down to visit her on most weekends. Things were going great until almost 2 months ago... she seemed to become more distant all of a sudden. We talked about it and she said we should try not to see each other as much because she's too dependent on me. And that was true. She would get really upset if I couldn't come down to visit and be really sad when I would leave on Sundays. So it made sense that she kind of distanced herself, but I also started to notice she distanced herself from me sexually as well. We had a great sex life before and now its literally down to zero, so one day I asked her about it. She told me it was because she was going through a really tough time in relation to the distancing ourselves thing. She had been taking it as time to reflect upon her life and face some terrible things that had happened to her not long before I started dating her. One was her Dad leaving her family, and the other was about dealing with the time she had been raped by her ex-boyfriend. I had known about both of these things and they have always stuck with her, which is totally understandable. She's been trying to overcome this and move on, but it's been taking a toll on our sex life and basically our whole physical life in general (snuggling, holding hands, etc). I think I understand why she doesn't want to do these things. I understand that when a woman is raped it is a terrible, mentally traumatic thing that sticks with them for a long time....maybe even their whole life. Because of this, she says she just feels dirty and unwanted and it makes her not want me to even touch her in a sexual way, and I understand that. Now that she's finally trying to overcome it, like i said its put a setback on our physical relationship. I'm obviously not going to break up with her just because she doesn't want to have that type of relationship with me right now; our relationship absolutely does not depend on it, but I just want to figure out how I can help her through this and try to put the fire back in our physical relationship. I know that this is something she really has to face on her own to overcome, but I just want to know how I can help, if I can at all. That is my question. How can I help her try to move on from this traumatic experience she's been dealing with for about 3 years and put that fire that we used to have back in our relationship. Please help!
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male
reader, screenname11 +, writes (25 January 2012):
screenname11 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you very much for your response. i was hoping i would receive one from someone who had undergone a similar experience as my gf; you were really helpful! i appreciate it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): I was raped by my first boyfriend, and your right it does stay with you, and yes she is the one who has to deal with it herself, but you can help. It will take time, and that isn't easy. I found a loving man and it was difficult to overcome the issues of intimacy when I was dealing with the feelings of being dirty. What you can do is be patient and supportive. If she is willing to try to be intimate with you, she could "freak out" for want of a better phrase, if that happens don't take it personally as it honestly is nothing to do with you, simply what happened to her in the past. If she starts being intimate but suddenly wants to stop, then stop (not always easy I know) but it will reinforce to her how safe she is with you. There are some great self-help books around for partners of people who have been sexually abused or raped, check out your local library and borrow one to read, it will help. I am sorry that your girlfriend went through this, and I am also sorry for how difficult it is on you at the moment. She is a lucky to woman to have such a loving and suportive boyfriend. If she is seeking therapy from a professional, ask if she would like you to come with her sometime to see how you can help. Good Luck
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