A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. Will try to make this as short as I can. My one year boyfriend recently told me he feels stressed when we meet up and he needs time to think carefully about what to do next. He made it clear he is leaning towards breaking up for his decision though. We are still together right now but decided to not meet for the next couple of weeks. We also agreed to having lunch together everyday and talk over the phone every night as usual. I'm very hurt from all this and feeling miserable. But I am willing to give him that time and space he needs. So my questions are should I treat this like a break up? Should I not text him everyday anymore even though we are still together? What should I do that will help heal the relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2016): Original poster--Dinner was like usual and he was affectionate towards me like he never spoke about breaking up. I'm not sure what I should do atm but will take everything you guys said into consideration.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2016): He tells me he knows he is selfish.. Yesterday he did bring up that he doesnt want to let our relationship go and that we should just forget about breaking up. He just wants space to figure things out in the meantime but then he switched back to let's not do that. He still hold my hands when we go out to lunch since the day he mentioned about breaking up. But until yesterday was when everything seemed to have gone back to normal like before.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 September 2016):
 So basically you volunteered to be his FWB .. intil he " sorts himself out " ? Ah. Not a smart move , let me tell you.
You are right to wonder why he wants to see you at his place , if it's the comfort of the habit and familiarity he is looking for ( which, btw, would be far from flattering IMO; but never mind ). Why couldn't you be comfy and familiar on a regular date, movies or dinner ora stroll around town.
Yes you got it, because he also ( mainly ? ) wants to get laid, - without the comttment and obligations of a real relationship which apparently stress him out so much.
The whole GF experience - without having to really be and act like your boyfriend , until he has made up his mind. In his own sweet time. Or, more probably, until he has located someone new for a trade up.
Too easy ( for him ). Either in, or out. That's not the way you work on a relationship, nor the way you " take a break " !. I know that for you it's difficult since he already said he was not adverse to just terminate this relationship, while you 'd want to work on the issue you have , solve them, and stay together. So you are clutching at straws and accepting... whatever just to keep him around you, and that's understandable. Understandable but not smart and not in your favour. Only in his .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 September 2016):
 "He also said he felt it was too sudden and felt weird to just cut all intimacy while he considers his decision."
Wow.... what a selfish statement right there!
He wants to still have sex, but not REALLY be in a relationship, not have ANY obligations to you what so ever. He just wants you to keep putting out till he has "figured" himself out...
Honestly? I know you care about him but you are fooling yourself if you can see that all he wants is "free sex on tap" without having to give much back. And I would be surprised the moment you push him for a "have you made up your mind" he will end it because he has met someone else or because you are wanting him to HELP fix whatever is broken.
BEST thing YOU can do for YOU? Let him go. Tell him you love him and care, but that you can't and won't be his casual sex partner while he "figure" things out. That you want NO CONTACT till he has figure that out. That you will respect he needs space but that also means HE needs to respect that YOU will want space as well.
Do you really think a relationship where people "need" a break work? long term? No. It's him wanting to run when things get tough for him. He isn't thinking about you and how it might affect you. All cares about is "numbero uno - aka himself".
Can you imagine doing this on/off long term? Every time there are trouble or problems he "needs" a break?
I love Ciar's "boss analogy". It might make you see thing more clear.
You are doing yourself NO favors by going to visit him.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 September 2016):
 Kudos to you for not having sex with him. Let's look at your situation another way:You've been working at the same place for several years and you get on well with your boss. So well that each morning you bring him a coffee and muffin. Then one day he says he's got a lot of things going on at home and company bills are stressing him out. He needs a break so he's going to lay you off, and this or may not be permanent. While he's making up his mind he wants you to keep coming in to work each day and bringing him his morning coffee and muffin, but don't expect him to pay you. After all, he does need his space. What would you think of your boss and his motives?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2016): He just wants to booty call you while he deals with everything, then probably dump you, he's really not treating you with any respect. Dont go to his tomorrow, just break up with him and tell him you refuse to be his booty call.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2016): Original writer updating- Thank you for the advice all. One if his reasons is we argue too much lately. He is tired from it and rather end our relationship than fixing it. That was what was stressing him out about me. And he added he is lost in life because he is having job problems and it has been a terrible year for him. He feels he cannot handle the boyfriend obligations anymore. From this I can't stop feeling he just wants to push me out of his life when he should need me most. I was starting to realize I'm not really giving him the time he asked for from texting and talking with him though. Anyway, he contacted me yesterday to meet up today. I was a little lost and eventually agreed. We met up and the distant behavior he showed me three days ago is not there. But I did refuse to have sex with him. He said he miss me and does not want to let our relationship go but he still wants time to consider it. He also said he felt it was too sudden and felt weird to just cut all intimacy while he considers his decision. Why would he say this now? He never mentioned he loves me or how much he loves me in our latest convos though. He does say he cares about me and likes me a lot. My boyfriend added that he was nervous about seeing me today because he doesnt know how to face me. But he felt better after seeing me. How should I interpret this now? Will meeting up as usual and acting as usual help him change his mind about wanting to break up? Tomorrow he wants to see me again but wants me to drive to his house. I'm not sure if he would still ask to meet tomorrow if I hadnt said to him that since we are still together we can just continue having intimacy as usual.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (4 September 2016):
So...lunch together every day and talking every night is space??
Treat this as a break up. That doesn't mean it's definitely over, but perhaps letting go of him will give him REAL space while not leaving you hanging.
Act as though you're done, and sorry to state the obvious but given the posts we get here I think I should, do not get involved in any other men for a while, not even for a casual fling. If you two do patch things up whatever you do in the off season will haunt you both.
Did he say why he felt stress whenever you're together?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2016): He feels you are dependant on him and he doesn't like that feeling so he is doing a softly softly break, giving himself the chance to know all your news and to go elsewhere at night!Give him a shock and dump him back!Dont explain how or why but change your phone chip and /or just dont turn up for your cosy lunch time dates!Its a bit cruel isnt it?But your aim is to shake him out of his complacency that you cant live without him, because he doesnt feel the same way!If you must be kind just leave a message with the restaurant to let the bloke know that his girlfriend cant make it to lunch.This way you will get your head together to move on and he doesnt get the chance to brag that your hanging round on his decision!Then dye your hair red or something and redesign the new you!If you are convinced you love this guy then you must see he does not love you.Currently he is just 'friending you up'!Breaking up is lousy but getting a good start on it often helps!If he moans on you about "I thought we were friends!"you can just say " I dont need friends like you!"If he wants to know why you can always answer "because i stress you up and a true friend would enjoy my company , not complain about it!"But if you do that dont cut the phone off till after you have stood him up!But if none of that sounds like you just keep going to lunch and making calls and try to enjoy it rather than be tormented!When he drops his bombshell just say "pass the sauce please harry" and act like the whole world knows what it means!I think this guy may be calculating so please prefer to drop him because you are in a vulnerable situation!You dont really know his true motives so get smart and get stronger!He may be devious and have a preplanned series of events in mind!You can do without him!He is clearly manipulating you right now.He's reeled you in , so get off the hook and hang out with warmer people for your safety and sanity!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2016): Treat it as a breakup. Why should you sit in-waiting while he emotionally prepares to dump you? Save him the trouble. Discontinue the lunch-dates and go no contact. Why sit and agonize over his decision, when he tells you being around you stresses him out? You give no details about what it is you do that stresses him out. Perhaps you are clingy or insecure? Maybe he has someone else in mind, and he's getting his new relationship in order.
In any case, when people use the term "breakup", it's not taking a break. It's ending the relationship. Don't allow him to prolong the agony. Get it over and done with, he's trying to give himself an easy way out. Breakups are painful. Even more painful when you drag it out.
Never plead with anyone to stay who wants to go. If they wanted you, you wouldn't have to.
You'll just have to be an adult about this and stop clinging on. Just tell him he can go. Prepare yourself to deal with the emotional withdrawal process. Start your detachment and post-breakup healing. It will be very painful, but it's just as painful clinging to someone who really doesn't want to be with you. The sooner you begin getting over him, the better for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 September 2016):
I would decide within myself if I SEE a future here or not. And from the little you have written... I'm leaning more to not.
When people feel they need a "break" in a relationship it's usually because they WANT a break up, but they are wavering. Sometimes because they have been together a long time, it's familiar, they are worried they can't find someone as good etc.
RARELY do breaks work. And this is why. With your BF he seems to think you two are together too much, it makes him feel stressed (which I don't get at all) but he STILL wants to met up for lunch and talk/text like the relationship is still going. So he wants PARTS of it, but not the whole deal. THAT is not how relationships work. You can't pick and choose like that, at least not long term.
And it also feel like he wants this break to "make" you change yourself. Which really isn't realistic.
If this is a "break" and he needs time to think - I would set some ground rules and go No Contact. So no dating others, no meeting new people etc. Basically you are still a couple but for all intent and purpose you are both "away" on "holiday" from each other. By having NO Contact for a month or so it will be easier for BOTH of you to discover IF this is a relationship you see a future with or not. When you KEEP in contact the lines are blurred.
You mention that you want to know HOW to heal the relationship. I can't tell you, because you don't really say WHY it has come to this. Have you done things that were detrimental to the relationship? Is that why you feel YOU should be the one to heal it?
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (3 September 2016):
 Sorry to tell you but I think it is over. You should cut contact and play things on your terms. His line is often code for: 'I want out but I don't want to hurt you'.
Tell him you need time to re-assess things too. and he should contact you when he has sorted things out in his own mind. You can decide then what you want to do. You might not want to waste any more time with someone who doesn't realise how great you are.
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