A
female
age
30-35,
*himakasai
writes:This is kinda long, so I hope you all have the patience to read it. I'm not good at shortening things and this kinda takes place in a lot of time.Flash back to about 8 years ago when I was around 4 or 5. We lived in a city in Utah called Orem, pretty much in the center of "Happy" Valley. I had been friends with everyone in the neighborhood and we all got along great. But then one day, by some strange change that I somehow missed, everyone turned on me and began to hurt me. To beat me up. I hadn't done anything to cause any of it and yet, they all suddenly hated me. And so my trust and abandonment issues began.We moved away from that horrible place a few weeks before my 6th birthday. We moved to a much nicer area, and yet, from the start, no one liked me. I was the outcast, the weirdo. I managed to have one friend at a time, but they were always bad friends who would hurt me. Finally, in 4th grade I managed to have two friends at a time, and yet they were still both bad friends. In 5th grade I managed to make my first half decent friend. I kept her as a friend throughout the rest of elementary school (here, we start middle school in 7th grade). But then when we went to middle school, she went to a different one than me so I was left alone again. I managed to make a few friends, but not close ones. By this time, I had learned that in the end, friends would always hurt me. No matter who they are. So, obviously, I tried not to get too close to anyone. In 8th grade I came across some of my future friends. I became friends with them, but I had been held back on my maturity so I needed to take a big leap and I wasn't ready for any close friends yet. Even so, I would meet people and let them in my life, and throughout all this time, the friendships always ended with the other person abandoning me, causing my heart to tear. It often happened when I needed people most, giving me the idea that in the end, no one will ever be there for me and I should always be alone.Now, even though I needed to mature, I was still a really good friend. I didn't get upset over petty things like the other person taking my spot, or being teased. I rarely fought because I wouldn't fight over stupid things. When I would get mad at them, I'd want the friendship to remain over because it was for a real reason. A reasonable reason. Usually, it was because they were constantly putting me down and telling people I was the cause of their problems and I forced them to do this or that when I had nothing to do with it or discouraged it. But even though I wanted to have the friendship ended, I'm always really forgiving so I would start to miss them and about a month later I would want to be friends with them again. And they would end up hurting me again. Finally, 9th grade came (this was still in middle school though, due to the strange grade system we have here. I didn't go to high school until 10th grade). I was finally doing great. I had taken huge steps in maturity and I was more advanced than most high school students. But then some major issues came up in October and I had to take some big steps back from the first of my good friends. It was January when I conquered those issues and had matured even more so. After that, I grew really close to the group of friends I hung out with and finally felt secure in my relationships.I began dating in April as a spur of the moment type of thing. I didn't really think of what relationships require to last and go well - trust. A month and a half later, we broke up because I had been feeling like he didn't care about me at all and it hurt like crazy. But I had another friend who seemed to really care about me and, though I knew he had issues, I thought they could be handled. Within a week I was dating this friend. I really liked him and thought it would go far and well. I was proved wrong when about 3 weeks in I began missing my ex. We had stayed friends but we didn't talk much. That fact pained me. And I was beginning to identify the problems that the current boyfriend had. And yet, we didn't break up.At the end of that relationship, I ended up breaking up with him because I didn't want to rely on others. I wanted to be single and at peace. I told him beforehand that I wanted to be single again and he convinced me to give him 2 weeks to try to hang onto me. Sadly, I waited too long and lost my ability to be at peace on my own. So when I finally broke up with him, I still wanted someone to be there for me and it still hurt me when people stopped caring.He didn't take the break up well and got really depressed while trying to hang onto me. He wanted me to waste all my time waiting on him to have time for me and I grew sick of it. Finally I told him that I didn't want to waste my life waiting on him. His response was to persist in trying to have me wait for him so much, but after that conversation ended he didn't call me or talk to me again for a very long period of time. During that time I thought of how he acted and realized that he had lied to me a lot. And that he really didn't care as much as he said. It hurt me even more so and I became very angry at him. This put another big damper on my trust abilities since I had let him into my life and he had seemed like a big part of it.I didn't date again for a long time after but I hung out with my friends and stayed close to them. Then my first boyfriend wanted to date me again and I had been missing him so I was already tempted to say yes. I discouraged him and told him I probably couldn't trust him or let him into my life that well but he persisted. Finally I said yes, without thinking of the need for trust in a relationship.We were doing great and then the stress of starting High School attacked me and things started piling up. I was once again reminded that when I trust people, they end up abandoning me and I end up really hurt because one of my friends from my group left me behind and has pretty much forgotten about me since his head is filled with thoughts of his crush. It was made worse because I didn't even know that I had let him, or really anyone, into my life.Anyways, my boyfriend noticed me becoming distant and antisocial so he began asking what was wrong. I'd either answer with there's too much to say, or I just don't want to talk about it. He didn't pressure me but lately he's really picked up on wanting to be part of my life and wanting me to trust him. I don't blame him at all, but I feel torn because I don't want to get hurt again, but I want to be able to trust him and let him in. Not only that, but everyone needs someone in their life that they can trust, so it's hard for me to fight.He's given me the usual reasons to trust him - that he's different from everyone else, and that he promises he won't ever hurt me. That he won't let that happen. I can't say how many times I've heard those before, but pretty much everyone I've trusted since 6th grade has had the same conversation with me. And I really don't want the same thing to happen again. So, how does someone who is constantly reminded by her feelings and the actions of everyone else that trust is a really painful thing, begin trusting again? How can I have a relationship where I won't get hurt and abandoned again? Or at least, how do I make it so I know who to trust? I really need help on this because I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to trust him and let him in but I don't want to get hurt again. Sorry for making this so long, but I have issues shortening stories. Thanks for reading, and hopefully someone can help.
View related questions:
broke up, crush, depressed, my ex, period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (6 September 2009):
 That's where the therapist comes in.
A
female
reader, Shimakasai +, writes (6 September 2009):
Shimakasai is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I've already figured it out really well. It goes back to when I was in Orem. When the neighborhood kids turned on me. It managed to scar me, possibly for life. Almost all of my problems root back to that. And even though Im pretty much over it, I still carry the issues that it gave me. So, I'm kinda stuck not knowing how to conquer those issues
...............................
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (6 September 2009):
I think that you should consider talking to your parents about seeing a therapist. A professional counselor will help you uncover the root of your trust problems and help you learn how to open up your heart again.
Good luck.
...............................
|
