A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recently started going out with my ex boyfriend. The reason it didn’t work out before was because we were both super shy and neither of us had ever been in a relationship before so we found the whole situation really awkward and agreed to stay just friends for a bit. It’s been over a year since then and we’ve decided to give us another go. This time round I am a lot more confident and flirty and just generally more mature than I was before. But he is still pretty clueless. He is such a gentleman, I’ll give him that much! He opens doors for me, lends me his jacket, carries my bags, walks me to classes and just treats me like a complete princess. Which is lovely don’t get me wrong! But I feel like he is trying too hard to be perfect. It is like he is constantly worried about how I am going to react to things! He doesn’t hold my hand unless I ask him too, he doesn’t text unless I text him first, he doesn’t sit next to me unless someone actually says to him “you should really be sat next to her” and he even seems scared to approach me if I don’t approach him first. We’ve spent a couple of evenings together where we’ve just sat back and watched films together and we can sit arms touching but he doesn’t put his arm around me or anything. We’ve been together for a month and I am lucky to get a kiss on the cheek from him. I used to give him one to try and encourage him to be more confident with me but it seems to have worn off. I would really love it if he just relaxed and just hugged me without me asking or kissed me when he felt like it or put his arm around me or just showed how he feels without me having to ask him to! I know he must want to because he is supposed to be my boyfriend but my question is HOW can I get to relax? Do I need to tell him straight out what I want? Do I kiss him on the lips and hope that it helps? Do I just give it some time? He has always been one of my best friends and I love him so much and he needs me and he is the only guy who has ever really cared about me as much as I care about him and I don’t want to give up! Please, if anyone has any tips or ideas on how to get his confidence let me know! Thanks X
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best friend, confidence, flirt, my ex, shy, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): Would you mind an old person's opinion? He treats you well. You LIKE him. He LIKES you. You are both good friends. WHAT is the need to hurry into kissing? Is the physical expression so necessary to your concept of romance? I know lots of youth hurry ahead to adult sexual expressions. You don't have to, though. He doesn't, either. Slow down. It's about the relationship, not the technicalities of lovemaking. You can search through this column for more data on how wrong it's possible for relationships to go, even when they started out as passionate, sexual, and fulfilling. Forgive the "Grinchiness" of the question, but what is the purpose of the kiss? Is it affection? Is it to move the relationship to a "normal" boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic? Slow down. Decide what it is you want, what your values are. Let him do the same. You don't have to chase him down, and give him confidence to kiss you. (I don't think so, in most cases). When he is ready, he'll come to you. If he waits, that's a valid option, too. Don't push him into your definition of "boyfriend" just to suit your concept of a valid romance. You are young enough, and he is young enough, that there is NO great hurry to press ahead. There is EVERY reason to be an attentive friend or girlfriend, a considerate one, and one who is willing to let her partner develop at his own rate, along the lines his values and preferences dictate. Thanks for listening to an oldster. Best success to you. Remember, SLOW, CURVES AHEAD!! (In life...).
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