A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need advice on something. My mother has been fighting cancer for 4 years now. Recently it went to her brain and before that had spread throughout most her body. The chance of survival is quite slim. Currently she cannot drive or do a lot of stuff. I am 22 and in college. Just got my first internship at a major company where I am working as well as going to school full time. This leaves me with little time to drive my mom around for appts and run errands and pick up my brothers from grade school. I cant drop out of college because I have a ton of student loans and only 1.5 years left go. I am doing all I can for them but I simply cant do enough.However, I have a 17 (almost 18) year old sister. She is a complete burn out already. Wont go to school. Wont study the manual to learn to drive, wont even help clean the house very often. I have been harping on her for years to at least go to school. Right now my family really needs her to learn to drive because I have two small little brothers in grade school and my mom with all her dr. appts. Well she just refuses to stop getting stoned and do anything. I have been telling her for months if she would simply STUDY THE BOOK for the written test I would take her down there, pay for her fees, get her permit and teach her how to drive. She just says over and over studying the book is too hard and shes always too stoned. I am at a loss right now as how to go about even talking to her. I always get so mad and we end up fighting. I don’t know how to get through to her. My mom already has to rely on a cab to pick her up for her appts when my dad is working and my family is so poor they cannot afford this much longer. My anger is not working and I have to do something to help convince her. Im at the point where I almost refuse to even call her my sister anymore because she is really letting us all down and my mom is so hurt. Its not like Im asking her to be an adult and take care of everything, just to step it up and help out because our mom is dying!Is there any advice anyone can think to give me on how to get through to her? Ive tried almost everything and nothing works. My parents are too busy or too sick to have time with badgering her anymore. They have pretty much given up after she turned 16 and stopped school. They try to control her drug use but it doesn’t work. They cant afford rehab or anything like that and I just don’t know what to do anymore!!! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (26 January 2011):
 Your sister is hurting. She's being confronted in very harsh terms losing someone important in her life, and she's still a kid. So she's reacting like a kid, by withdrawing by hiding, by basically checking out.
I'm not excusing her in any way, shape or form. You're awfully young to be stepping up the way you have and keeping your eye on the ball of your future. I commend you six ways from Sunday. I've walked some steps in your shoes. At the time I had teenaged brothers who couldn't accept what was going on and who were of no use (but at least didn't make things any worse).
I don't know of any magic that might help you to get her to pull her weight. But perhaps if you can step back from all you're dealing with (which sounds impossible, and I understand) and see her as a scared child whose world is falling in on her and who is hiding from a life of pain? Maybe that perspective will give you a clue. Rather than berating her, your parents and you might give her some love and reassurance as best you can. If you can reach the good kid that's cringing inside of her, she might just manage to step up to the plate.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been somewhere similar. Regardless of your sister and whatever else, be kind to yourself and patient with yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): Unfortunately, I don't know if there is any getting through to her. It sounds like she's in a funk and isn't really willing to get out of her world. Maybe it's just her way of dealing with the stress of losing her mom. Yes, it seems very counterproductive but I don't think you're going to just "get through to her", you know?
As for helping your mom, is she eligible for disability benefits? They can provide monthly income as well as any costs for travelling to appointments (whether by providing bus passes or cab fare) and they will even cover the cost of any health related paraphernalia and medications.
I have somewhat of an idea of what you're going through as I lost my father at 17 (my sister was 25). However, I did drive him to appointments and such...
So if you haven't looked into it, you should see if you can apply for that. A dcotor can make the process a lot quicker in urgent situations.
It's nice that you want to take care of your family but you still have to take care of yourself as well. As for your sister, have you talked to her about it rationally? Like just tried explaining it to her gently without getting angry. (I realize that you're extremely frustrated with her right now) But if you can really reason with her, maybe she'll see how important it is...
Sometimes you just need to have reality hit you hard enough before you get some sense knocked in to you. Maybe a general conversation about the direction of her life and the liklihood that there won't be anyone to take care of her if she refuses to take care of herself therefore she might see the importance of an education and drivers lisence?
This really is a tough situation & I'm not really sure what to tell you. If you ever feel like talking to someone that gets it, feel free to send me a message.
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