A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I keep getting pulled/putting myself into a relationship i consider dysfunctional relationship. I can't tell right now whether i'm in love or just plain obsessed with him, but i can't seem to let him go no matter what he does. I've been trying to leave him alone since i met him, basically. We've been on and off for a year and a half. I found out six months ago that he has a girlfriend, which he denied initially. He finally admitted that they're together but they weren't together when he met me. He's telling me he loves me and wants to be with me, but he's been with her so long he doesn't want to leave her. Everytime i let him go i end up going back or he ends up pulling me back. But i haven't been able to stay away from him longer than 3 months. My problem is nothing seems to work in helping me move on and i have no one to turn to because im ashamed of continuing this relationship so i've stopped talking to friends and family about him. But I feel that i could really use some good advice. I know what to do. let it go. but it's so much easier said than done. And i feel even more helpless because he knows how strong my feelings are and he can be arrogant about it. He never believes me when i tell him it's over because i always go back. But, he can be sweet and attentive also. And it's like he gives me just enough to keep me wanting more of him, his time, love, attention. Sometimes i don't know if its real and he really cares but is in a bad situation (denial?) or if he's just using me for whatever his agenda is. But how long would a guy go on with this if he didn't have some feelings for me? And other than moving away, far far away, how can i get away from this, please?
View related questions:
has a girlfriend, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (18 July 2008):
 Hi there, You should be very proud of yourself for trying to put your life in a better place so that you can move forward and find a healthy relationship, to be involved in. There are men out there who would be happy to love and care for you and respect you, for the good person that you are.
I am not sure that I mentioned this to you beefore, if I did, I apologize, go to: www.socyberty.com/writers/quiet+voice.8137.....look for the title "Letting Go: Stop Chasing Ghosts", print it out and refer to it, put it in your wallet and refer to it to reinforce your resolve. Find a diversion in the meantime, do some volunteer work, be a big sister, or go to a school and sign up to be a mentor, to the kids, they need help these days, you need a cause, something to make you feel like you are doing something very worthwhile. I am sure there are things you are already doing that are worthwhile, but I need you to put a change in place, to replace this thing with him, you need a newness of sorts. Something to occupy your time. You will be able to do this, you have to fight any desire to let him pull you back to the nonsense.
You have it in you to win. Go for it and above all, DON'T LOOK BACK! If he does try to contact you and you want to do this, tell him in order for you to come back, he must change, he must lose the other woman, and he must marry you, otherwise there is nothing to talk about. That should put a stop to him bothering you. I would not want him under any circumstances, but that can be your weapon to keep him away, all you need is some time, to forget him. But he feels he has power over you, don't give it back to him, he does not deserve you. Take care of yourself, and let me hear from you every now and then. You are a winner, and don't forget that. Remember to be your own best friend. Don't allow anyone else to control your life when they do not mean you well. Be happy, the pain will only last so long. Please find that diversion, it's very important. Take care always.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the feedback.
I am in the process of another attempt at letting go of this unhealthy relationship and felt I could use some added ammunition/advice, to help me along. I appreciate all you had to say. Now, it all lies in me.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (18 July 2008):
Hi there, thanks for writing back. These are all good things you point out about yourself. Everyone who starts a relationship where things are good between the two, and then things change after a time, believe deep down , that the person whom they love, is eventually going to come back to where they were, when things were so much better. Sometimes that happens, but not when they are involving another individual, whether it be a girfriend, a mistress, or whatever. If you are depending on that person to change, you cannot effect the change, the person has to decide, that he in this case, will change, there have been women who have done this to men as well. He must see that changing will be for the better for the two of you, my thought is that he is relishing the attention of both of you, and does not want to change and be with only one. His appetite has grown used to having two women cater to him. I am not concerned with him, he has a selfish attitude and as I said before, as long as you two ladies continue to allow him to make the rules, he is going to have his cake and eat it too. If the things I have suggested to you, and what you have experienced with this relationship are not enough to make you change and move on, then I am going to suggest you find a good relationship counselor and have a good honest talk about the situation, they will be trained and professional and will be able to give you sound advice. My theory is that when you were young, you might have been disappointed by someone, maybe your father, and you are trying to hold on to this man to suffice for your dad I may be off track but, you are clinging to this for too long when you see the damage it is doing. Think about it, as you have a deeply rooted desire to not give up on this person, when he keeps on doing the things he wants to do, on and on, with nothing changing except him, mollifying you with promises which he does not keep, time is a wasting. You definitely can be stronger than you think you are but, when you leave, you have to not look back, take back your power from this person, and keep moving forward. There is a storu in the Bible, about Lot and his wife, the Lord told them to leave a certain place and not look back, Lot's wife did not obey, she looked back as the story goes, and she was turmed into a pillar of salt, not good. Sometimes you have too, for your own good, let things go, or they will destroy you.
Try to be your own best friend, as I have said in the pst, I don't think he loves either of you, I think he loves himself, and is going to keep on pleasing himself. It doesn't quite apply, but it's close enough, man cannot serve two masters, two wives or two women at one time is even worse. Take care now, and try to figure out what is best for you. One question, if he cared for you or either of you, why would he hurt either of you, by being with the other, please answer that one for me? It's convoluted, and he is twisted with his thinking and wants you to join in or keep believing in what is going on. It's not good, you realize this, practice what you believe, and if you leave, please don't look back, remember Lot's wife, I sure she was sorry, for looking back. :o) Take it easy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks.
I appreciate the honest feedback very much.
These are things that i'm aware of and have thought of repeatedly. I know it's wrong. I do love myself, have respect for myself. I know i deserve better and I know i can get better, from someone else, but it's like you said, deep down i do wanna change him for hime to come around for my sake, for him to feel for me what i feel for him. I guess i want to be that other woman you mentioned, the one that makes him change, but obviously, im not. And even knowing this, i still go back.
Im thinking that: i'm aware of wanting out, and why i want out, don't need further disrespect from him or losing respect for myself for knowingly continuing, so I leave/ cut him off. But then, after some time, it's like, i don't know what happens or what my thought process is but i end up back in this dysfunctional cycle. I think with time, i start to overlook/fade away from the negatives and just remember the good times.
But i just feel that i need help, further than a regular breakup, cause its gone beyond that point. It's like i don't have control. I've even tried to establish new relationships/friendships with other guys, but it goes nowhere because im not interested in anyone else.
Other than this, i can't complain about my life. I have plans, goals, for my future success. I would like to get married and have kids as well. I know he would not be an ideal partner as a husband, even if he told me he wants to leave her to be with me, i wouldn't trust him. But I keep going back. That's the part i don't get and would like any input. I don't know what's wrong with me.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (17 July 2008):
Hi there Thanks for writing back. I know it is hard, and especially when he is the first real man that you have had a relationship with. But tell me that you feel good about the situation, it has to hurt like heck, I would think. So why are you torturing yourself? It is very necessary that you take control, or he will put you through this for gosh knows how long, when you could break this pattern, find a decent man, get married if you want too, and raise a family if you want children. What are you getting out of this? If, and I say this again, if you feel that this is what you want, him to play both of you forever, that's very sad, you are basically telling him, rub my face in mud, step all over me, do what you want to do. If you don't respect yourself, no one else will, especially men. Addictions have tto be broken, he is basically laughing at you, and you are allowing it. We try to help, but the bottom line is, this is your life and it is worth more than you are accepting.
Don't expect it to get better, he might introduce a third woman into the situation, in fact there probably already is, a cheat is a cheat. One more thing, there may be a woman who comes along and turns his head, good sex, exotic, whatever, and she will not take no for an answer, if she wants him, and he will marry her, and leave you two in the dust, for the third woman, it has happened. One movie star, Warren Beatty, was a playboy of playboys, women, women, women, who all allowed him his way., Annette Benning came along, demanded marriage, they have five or six kids today. So the longer you allow him to play, play, play, the less attractive your stock becomes, and unless you pick up your dignity and go your way and make a life separate from this situation, you are only going to be used. I hope you see the light. Take care of yourself, and be your own best friend.
...............................
A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (17 July 2008):
Hi there, First of all you have to try to realize that you have the strength to do what you want to do. You don't want to leave him alone deep down, that is why you keep going back to him or you keep allowing him to pull you back into the relationship. It can become a habit, but not without your participation. What you must do, if you want to seriously be out of this relatioship, and it is dysfunctional, is to get a brand new perspective on the situation. Your boyfriend is using both of you women, he does not really care for either of you, he may tell you that, but he is having the time of his life with two women serving him, what man would not relish that? What is he offering you, sure he is sweet, that's the least he can do, but where is the respect for either of you, there is none.
Being true to one person is very hard, and if you are going to try to handle two, somebody is going to get the short end of the stick. You must decide that you deserve better than this, that you are entitled to have a man who shares himself with only you, if he is going to be in a committed relationship. This becomes a matter of low self-esteem on your part, pardon me for being a little harsh, but you asked for help, if you thought that you were deserving of better, you would not accept less. Stop doing this to yourself, because as long as you accept his garbage, because it is not healthy, as you have acknowledge, you are going to be emotionally sick. Break this mold, there is a better person out there who will give you what you should have. Go, if you would and look for a good book on building your self-esteem, you have to decide that you should have more, than you are getting, and not to be used, as he is doing. You will be able to look him straight in the eye and not have to tell him you are gone, he will know it by your actions. This person is a ghost and you are chasing him, by that I mean that you want him to be something else, but he is who he is, and therefore you are chasing a ghost. Stop fooling yourself and let this man go away for good. Go to: www.socyberty.com/writers/quiet+voice.8137, look for the
title "Letting Go: Stop Chasing Ghosts", it will give you an idea of what I am talking about. The nice person who is out there waiting for you, who repsects women and does not want to use them, is not going to find you, if you keep being blinded by this person who does not mean you any good. Suppose, God forbid, one of you got pregnant, then what, he will be attached to whichever one of you it is, who got pregnant, and the other one will, hang around, because he probably will not marry the pregnant one, because he just wants to play. Wake up now, you've been asleep too long. Get on with your life, time is short. Certainly, it is easier said than done, but tell me this, do you think your life is productive and how much time, do you spend thinking about him with the other woman, and why should you treat yourself like this? Break free of the garbage, look for a healthier relationship, you deserve better, but you must begin to believe it and it will become easier. Take it as experience, and shake off the whole thing and move on, fast. Please get that book on building self-esteem. Take care, let me know that you are done with the life suspending relationship, as you are not going forward, and you are giving your power over to someone, who doesn't give a darn. Take back your power. Be good to yourself. Be your own best friend.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, maybe obsessed is the wrong word. it's more like an addiction. i sometimes feel like i'm addicted. knowing its wrong/bad, even as i'm calling him or when i'm with him, but yet i still go back to him.
Also, this is my first real relationship/boyfriend.
He's my first everything, phsyical and emotional. And he knows this.
...............................
|
