A
female
age
41-50,
*edecrem
writes:help! my friend/boyfriend and i are very inexperienced in healthy, normal relationships and i need help to know what to do to resolve ours or get things back on track. my long distance friend/boyfriend told me recently that he cheated. there is a history to our relationship, 2 1/2 years, we were together 7 months before he moved out of state somewhat unwillingly (he was 27, it was because of family). we haven't seen each other since. our breakup was horrible for both of us and we've both been kind of illusioned and detached since then, though we reconnected somewhat after he moved. but, sometime at the end of last year he distanced and said he just wanted to be friends, not have relationships for a while, to focus on himself. it hurt me and i wasn't sure what to do, but i ended up going along with it, i somewhat rationalized that i would rather have him as a friend than not at all, because of the platonic connection we had, he said that good relationships begin as friendships. but i didn't work through my emotions and get over him completely (i never did), i didn't take the time and he didn't give it either. i was disconnected from my emotions because of everything so i just stayed in contact with him, mostly being there for him as he needed me with problems in his life, but other things we talked about as well. it was mostly him contacting me. shortly after whenever problems would arise between us he would question where things were going with us and why he even talked to me still, which hurt me.so anyway, he told me last week he had been emotionally and physically intimate with someone else the end of last year (around the time he told me he wanted to be just friends), and i got really mad/hurt on the phone, didn't say much just a couple questions, and it was unresolved. later that day he texted me angrily blaming that he missed class bc of me, bc we talked all night. i let him have it angrily calling him a liar, he said he didn't lie, that he confessed and it was unbelievable that i didn't forgive him (right away?). i said he needed to get his head out of his bum that dishonesty/lying and cheating shouldn't happen in the first place, disgusted, said i was sick of how our relationship had been, it's been a joke and immature, i would find someone who would treat me better, who is honest. he quipped back and it was done. i texted a couple quips last friday he did not respond and we didn't communicate until today. it's been a blur for me, i didn't know how it was on him. i was trying to figure out what to do, make sense of things, figure him out. i had a dream of him this morning, finally starting to feel less angry, some hurt, and feeling maybe that i was approaching a stage of being able to say something to him, not able to hold on to the anger any longer, bc it was hurting me.so, i contacted him today by text just to apologize for calling him names and say that i did bc i was really hurt. he replied that i gave him alot to think about, he is still in shock about what has happened to us, and especially his whole life. i texted him other things i probably should not have, about my dream and basically opening up some of my thoughts, which made things feel weird again. i think i don't want us to talk again when we haven't figured things out, don't want things to go back to how they used to be. i also didn't want to be seen as weak bc i'm afraid he'll use it to take advantage of me or the situation, hurt me more by saying something like "i'm sorry it just isn't going to work out". well i guess i could be angry at him for that and call him for what i think of him. part of me thinks i should have waited for him to contact me and apologize (bc he did not), but i was also hurting by holding things in. i have not liked the way our relationship has been for a long time, it's been hurting me, been distant, not happy, etc. i think we've both been depressed. he obviously opened up to someone else. i had leverage in being angry at him for "cheating", it helped bring disillusionment, gave me time to figure out what to do with our relationship, how i feel about him, and possibly see my life without him. also, it was a wake up call that he needed for his life, and our relationship, since i felt he had been taking me for granted for a long time, even told him so, which he denied.now, i feel like i screwed it up by contacting him, bc he knows some of what has been going on with me, that i'm not so mad at him anymore and i'm hurting. i am not ready to talk yet, i don't know what to do about this relationship. i don't want this to be some power play, but i do want reality hit him, not only about me, but his whole life. i needed it to hit me too, because our relationship needs to change. i'm not sure how to change it, or get it back on track. we used to be happy, very open, talk very deeply, but he has not allowed it for a while. it's been more like friends, but seems screwed up in so many ways, bc i have feelings for him still, and he maybe needed a wake up call that he may have feelings for me still, to be honest with ourselves and each other again.i know this needs to be resolved. i know i've been repressing my feelings for a LONG time, anger, pain, maybe even love. he probably has too, said he's been feeling disconnected and depressed. we did love each other and saw a future together, though we were naive i think. now i just want to protect myself, and want this to turn out right, bc i think we're both clueless about relationships and are just screwing things up.thank you for reading my long story. question is, what do i do about contact with him and what do i do so things can be resolved? do i do no contact until he contacts me (since i opened up some and showed weakness)? what if i am not ready when he is ready? how long is acceptable? how do i resolve our relationship or get it back on track? any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (8 April 2010):
 Wait for him to contact you . If he does not contact you ,he has moved on and you should let him go.
Sometimes , what you want and what you can get can be different. You need to be compatible with each other if you want to resolve your differences.
If you are incompatible with each other, there will be many problems which has no answers.
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