A
male
age
51-59,
*iresurfer
writes:I have been married for 19 years and my wife has to fantasize about other people in sexual situations in order to recieive pleasure. This means she usually shuts me off by closing her eyes and not wanting any talk during love making. It takes her out of her fantasy. Essentially she just lies there and lets me manually stimulate her until her release than allows me to have sex with her as long as I make it quick. She recieves no pleasure in giving me pleasure. What is confusing and hurtful is that her fantasies invlove things that turn me on that she will have no part of with me....her wearing sexy thongs (1 maybe 2 times a year) oral sex (rarely and never to climax) sexy dances (yeah right) etc...She will not do these things for me but thinks about others doing them in order to recieve pleasure. I feel unloved and un desired. We are a good looking and clean couple and she know I would have no trouble finding a lover who wants and desires me but it really hurts that the one I married dosen't seem to want or desire me. I do tons of romantic and thoughtful stuff for her, her friends ask if I can teach their husbands how to be romantic and thoughtful. I am in excellent shape and work as a fire rescue specialist. We have three wonderful boys and I am very invloved in their lives. Prior to marriage I had lovers that really desired me and that felt wonderful to be wanted. How can I get my wife to want ME? Is her behavior normal for women?
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male
reader, Firesurfer +, writes (9 July 2009):
Firesurfer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe only reason my wife told me about the fantasies is because I told her exactly what was going on (half hoping that it wasn't). She confessed and said I was very observant. Essentially she would begin participating in the love making but as she got more turned on she would tune me out. She would get more turned on but a seperation would come between us that was very palatable. She does it because it is the only way she can reach orgasm. In her fantasies (she has shared the jest of them with me) she is more a voyeur than a participant. She watches scenes as if it were a movie. The people are generally nobody she knows or has seen....just hot people. The fantasies get pretty graphic not in a really bad way but more on the "fucking" side than on the "love making" side, if you know what I mean. I think it is easier for her to think of "those people" as being sexy but uncomfortable with herself being sexy. (She is a very beautiful woman with tons of "sexy" potential...and I do tell her she is beautiful ofter) In her fantasies the "actors" wear things and behave in ways that I have asked her to do that she has ignored. Pretty tame stuff really but stuff that would get me excited. She feels bad about the fantasies but needs them to feel pleasure. I am not so much bummed about the fantasies per se..but bummed that she derives little pleasure out of me personally. I wish she could look at me and feel my touch and be turned on by me. What is really frustrating is I am no slob. I take no pride in my looks or body becuse that was just the hand that was delt me but I have been told on more than one occasion that I kinda look like Brad Pitt (emphasis on "kinda") I have very low body fat and thanks to my Dad I am well endowed...not crazy big but about 8 inches and very firm. Again...it is through no credit of my own but just the cards I was dealt by my genetic code I guess. Yet the sight of my naked or even excited body does little to excite or please my wife. Even all the romantic things I plan don't do too much to excite her. I know she appreciates them but it doesn't have the "swooning" effect i would love to see. Her friends however totally gush and swoon when they find out what I have done. So much so that as a birthday or anneversary approach they ask me what I am planning on doing this time. I must say that my wife has been "working" on it as much as she is able. I am trying to get her fantasies out of the voyeur realm and have her envision herself as a participant. I hope this ends up a good thing and not another problem. I just feel that once she sees herself as a "sexual and sensual" person she will be able to share those feeling with me more readily. We have started taking small steps and I hope and pray it will continue (without me being a nag). We both have some deep underlying issues that feed our problems...I was left by my mother at a really young age and had a step mother that hated and rejected me. That has left me with a "too" strong of a desire to be "wanted" by the women in my life. My wife had a father who was into pornography and left the family for a hot sexy woman. So in her eyes "sexy" is the enemy. This might be too much information for a forum like this but I really do appreciate your insights and help.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2009): Firesurfer, I am the person who responded on the 7th of July. I can't speak for the other posters but I did not mean to give the impression that I think your wife thinking about other men is right. I was however trying to explain why she might be thinking about them. I didnt want you to think you were an unattractive man and that's why she was closing her eyes. As a woman I can tell you, yes, we close our eyes but I try very hard not to let my mind wander into any fantasies of other men. For me, it would feel unfaithful. Those fantasies can pop in your head, sure. Lots of things pop in my head during. But I try to push them out because I want that moment to be about me and him, not about me and whatever thing can get me off. You seem very logical so I'll tell you the truth. I have a hard time with what your wife is doing. As a woman, I say she can control those thoughts and for the sake of the relationship needs to. But I stand by everything I said in the last post in that she may truly not have a bad motive behind it. I'm not her so I can't judge her motives or heart. But honestly, I don't think she is doing the right thing by having the fantasies. And more shocking to me is why she is telling you she is having them at all. If you expressed concern over the fantasies she should have stopped them (not that she should have had them to begin with). Has she never given you a reason why she says she has the fantasies?
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A
male
reader, Firesurfer +, writes (9 July 2009):
Firesurfer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe one problem I have with the advice given is that it seems to all of you that it is ok for a women to fantasize about other men while making love to me. By using her imagination she can reach climax. Women tend to be turned on by what is on their mind. So if I am turned on by what I see and my wife no longer turns me on visually is it ok to put some porn on my computer screen and stare at it while I make love to my wife? If I use your logic it would then seem ok. I mean, heck, I need to look at something attractive other than her and she needs to think of something attractive other than me so what's the difference?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2009): Iresurfer,I believe beingblack is right in that most women do close their eyes during sex. But it is usually because looking at anything around us distracts us from the feeling we are receiving. It isn’t an insult to the man or a reflection on how good he looks. However, if a woman is taking it a step further and having sexual fantasies about others during sex that is not a good thing. Especially if it is hurtful to you. It doesn’t matter if it’s OK for other guys or other couples. If it hurts you, then it’s wrong for your relationship. Sometimes women loss their sex drive because of kids, job, etc. This may not be a reflection on you. If that is the case, saying that because she doesn’t want sex that often means you are undesirable is like saying cause she doesn’t want to eat as much as you that means you are a bad provider. It may just be a lack of desire for that act itself, not a lack of desire for you. You said you had other lovers that wanted you but did you have them for 19 years? You seem generous so I bet you won’t just have sex for yourself will you? You want to please her too. So she might be fantasizing to get to orgasm quick cause she wants you to have pleasure but doesn’t want a long love making session. She knows you have to have her come first so she might be trying to get there so you can too before she gets too tired. The other option is that her heart might have gone a little cold on you. Or at least apathetic which happens with time. But it can be warmed up again.From a woman’s perspective I would say tell her about how you feel and ask if there is anything you are doing that she would like to be different. I know that might be hard but it is the surest route to success. Don’t criticize or try to justify. Sex is hard for both sexes to talk about and if she opens up to only get a fight she may close down again. Plus, women love hearing men’s hearts. We love it! So if you can share how much you want to be close to her by making love and make it clear you don’t just want to get off she will hopefully be touched by it. Doing it in a letter is a great option cause the written word is powerful and she has time to think about it and not turn it into a fight. Other options would be to cuddle with her and don’t have sex afterward. Kiss her lovingly without grabbing and trying to take it to the bedroom. Women tend to misinterpret that as a man only wanting to use them for sex, even if it isn’t the truth. Sex doesn’t make her feel desired. You telling her she is beautiful (not hot or sexy, beautiful, use "woman" words), putting the boys to bed, giving her things like a back rub without sex afterward tend to make us feel cherished, which leads to us feeling desirable which leads to sexual desires for the object of the one making us feel all those things, ie you. In the end she may want more cuddling and touching without sex. Maybe you guys could switch off sex for you one day and cuddling for her the next. I know it’s hard to believe a woman just wants that but hugging and cuddling can give a woman a lot of the same protected feelings sex does. And in the end isn’t it just about making each other happy and showing you care? Those would be my best guesses at ways to get it back on tract. I really hope it helps. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2009): I can't speak from experience, but it does you credit to be constant, faithful, loving, and desirous of having a genuinely loving reciprocal relationship with your wife of 19 years. I can't say what's normal for women especially after so many years of marriage, but I would hope your vision of married life over time would be the desired kind. It's a relief to know there are men like you out there.
Try to gently communicate some of these concerns to your wife, and not necessarily all through direct speech. Maybe you need to create a little bit of distance or space so she can see you for you again, and recognize what kind of husband she has and that she should appreciate him more fully. It might help for you both to spend more time in larger groups. It might help everyone gain some more perspective.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (2 July 2009):
 I actually feel that your wife is completely normal. I believe that the vast majority of women close their eyes to slip into their own fantasy world during sex. This way they get to concentrate on the sensations they are having, become more aroused, and achieve their orgasms. Remember that women do not need as much visual stimulation as men. Women FEEL far more than we do, and their orgasms are probably way better. It sounds like your wife does not have orgasms during intercourse, and likes you to manually stimulate her. Thats absolutely fine. Don't worry about WHAT makes her come. Celebrate the fact that she does. In the past I had a horde of girlfriends, and every single one that I recall shut her eyes, and enjoyed the sex to her own satisfaction. Some were quiet, some spoke, but they all entered their fantasy world, and I accepted that I merely 'helped' the fantasy. Maybe they shut my eyes because I'm an ugly beast! I think that you are being a touch insecure. Yes I agree that it would be nice to get compliments, hot kisses, and watch your wife watching you with sheer desire in her eyes. But after 19 years, I would be happy to watch my wife have orgasms, even if she's thinking about Ronaldo in a uniform. She is having sex with YOU, and letting YOU touch her. There is no question of the fantasy becoming reality. She is with YOU. Perhaps you could get her to be a little more giving after you satisfy her, but I wouldnt worry too much. Talk to her about it. Tell her you want to finish at the same time. See what she says, and does. She won't just lie there if she agrees. I personally do not see any problem other than you feeling a little jealous of your wife's thoughts. You can't control those!
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