A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I married my highschool sweetheart after I completed college and we've been together for more than 15 years, and had what I thought was a great relationship. Then suddenly after my wife lost her job as a medical administrator, she told me she wasn't sure she still wanted to be married to me anymore. I thought for sure she was just going through some kind of mid-life crisis but she says the lay off is forcing her to examine all areas of her life and figure out if she's happy or not. We started counseling but nothing seems to be helping. She says she hasn't been attracted to me for many years, and because she was in a stressful job, she never dealt with her feelings. She's stated that she feels like she's been "going through the motions" for years and can't do that anymore. She also stated that she feels our life together is not fulfilling and feels like we've outgrown each other. I know part of it is because she wanted kids and I did not. But I have been a good husband to her and I think that should count for something. We've always been kind to each other, and done nice things for each other. She's been my support system all these years, and I know I'm the strong-silent type, but I thought I was hers too. I know we are complete opposites in many ways; she's very social, I'm introverted. She's talkative. I'm quiet. But we rarely ever fight about anything I didn't realize we had become "roommates" in her eyes because we were still having sex -- though she says she's given in because she knew it meant a lot to me and she didn't want to hurt my feelings. She moved out a few months ago and I am going out of my mind trying to figure out how to get her back. Could it be that I've been living an illusion all this time? When I'm honest with myself, there have been other times in our marriage when she said she needed "space" and considered moving out. I always talked her out of it and thought it was just a phase. I know she wanted kids but I thought our life together was pretty fulfilling without the complications that kids bring. Plus we've gotten to travel all over the world, which we would not have been able to do if we would've had a family. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her but I want her to be happy and she seems to be slipping further and further away from me! Please help if you can!!
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (24 June 2007):
 Firstly, as a man, if your woman tells you that she wants kids, and you do not want kids, you had an obligation to break it off with her so that she could have found someone else in time, before her biological clock stops ticking. Because men can physically have children until death, men tend to underestimate the importance of it.
In my work, I help many guys in your situation. From what I gather in your email, she probably assumed that you would change about the kids thing, and when you did not, her love for you went away.
Also, even more of a major problem that I read based solely on this email is that over time she became more of a mother to you (being your support system) than a lover to you (stopped being attracted to you for many years). You have not addressed her emotional needs, and thus has been made to feel like your mother instead of your lover. This happens with MANY men in long term relationships...and esp if there are no children in the picture.
I invite you to read my research (for free) on lulu.com. Look up the book Everything Out Of Her Mouth Is A Test, and read the free preview of certain pages off that site. It will give you the perspective as to how she would lose attraction for you after so many years of marriage because of feeling like your mother instead of your lover.
You claim kids would have complicated your life? I wonder...is it that you never felt ready enough to be a parent? If so, that is going to be interpreted by her as you needing a mother figure yourself, instead of becoming a father figure to someone else. It was a red flag, and she is kicking herself right now for never acknowledging it.
There are two things I would suggest if you are SERIOUS about wanting her back.
1-Look into foster parenting, adoption, etc...she is probably going to look to replace you with a widower with his own family, so that she can be a mother to a child, not an adult.
2-Read my material, and learn about the emotional needs of women, and how to address them. My guess, based on my years of experience at this, is you have violated them over the years.
Good Luck. It is possible to get her back, but you are going to have to really work at CHANGE.
-Frank B Kermit
franktalks.com
lulu.com
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2007): I am sure she resents you for not allowing her to have kids. Now at an age too old to have them, she's realizing what you have taken from her. No kids in her life and no grand children. You may have seen these things as an inconvenience, but for a woman who has natural maternal instincts to be a mother, having a fmaily is one of the most important things. I am amazed that she stayed with you this long. Let her live her life. She wasn't happy with you, and you'll just be a constant reminder to her of what she doesn't have and can never have. Men never seem to want to compromise or to appreciate the woman in thier life until that woman is gone. Men, take notes.
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