A
female
age
51-59,
*ascar0991
writes:My husband likes anal sex but i find it painful. We have tried lube to no avail. How do i make him understand how i feel?
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 You got two questions going and in both the followups make a simple enough question explode with complications.
This one especially started simple but has ended in:
Husband, abused for years from a small kid till teens by both a brother AND a sister. Has some sexual hangups, cheats constantly and is less then understanding about how some sex acts hurt you.
You, victim of domestic abuse in your youth, married to a cheater and god knows what else.
I am not trying to blame you for not telling everything at once but how can we give proper advice if we don't know all the facts? My first answer to you was pretty lightweight because I assumed it was just about anal sex.
But with what you post in your followup's I am now convinced you both need to seek professional help, this is really beyond the scope an agony aunt site.
Compound cases are hard to solve, this is even true for the pros. It is easy to help someone who is homeless. Just as easy to help someone with mental problem even a drug addiction. But helping someone with mental problem who is homeless and uses drugs. WHOA! That is a serious challenge and these people really suffer from the fact that one of the expert on mental diseases, homelessness or drugs know how to deal with the other problems as well.
You and your husband got a myriad of problems that have combined into this mess and it is going to take some serious work to sort it all out but I really would suggest you start working on it. The anal sex, the lack of oral etc etc are all just symptoms of the original problem, both of you being abused as kids.
Sorry to be flippant but basically your post started a bit like "Help I got headache what can I do" we tell you to take an aspirin and see a doctor in the morning, you update with the info you been shot in the head.
The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. When you skip one, in your case the "whole" truth, people assume you are skipping on the other two as well.
If all you posted is the truth you really need help and I at least don't even want to pretend to be able to advice on this, it is over my head.
A
female
reader, Nascar0991 +, writes (30 April 2008):
Nascar0991 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe affair continued for another 2 yrs after he moved back home because she threatened to tell the kids and would not leave us alone. I talked to her and so did he. Finally we told the kids and we have not heard from her since. Is that enough back ground or do you need more? He had his first affair 4yrs into the marriage. It lasted 6mos. 3yrs later he met the stalker. While he was with her but not with me he saw 3 others. I have real issues and wanted advise and i am told that i dont sound honest. This is why people are afraid to ask for help. What is worse is this a very touchy subject.
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A
female
reader, Nascar0991 +, writes (30 April 2008):
Nascar0991 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhat i said was that after an affair he wanted anal all the time. I never said it was after 1 or 20. This is the biggest problem so i posted it first. If he never gave me oral sex or any sex again oh well. I love him and sex is not that important. I just wanted to know how to make it better. My whole life has been like a soap opera and no one understands another. My father was a DI for the army who beat us every morning for the things we would do wromg that day. I am one of 11 kids. My dad cheated on my mom all the time and would have us followed when he was in the field. I became pregnant @ 17 just to get away from him. When i met my husband i was 21 and he was 18. We were married 4 mos later. We have our problems but he is a good father and i always have what i need. He has never hit me and always been good to me. Even when he was seeing someone else i came first. We were seperated for 2.5 years. while we were not together he began seeing someone and would leave her bed in the middle of the night for me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Hi poster, sorry about this question to u but uve got another thread going on why he won't do or take oral anymre and I think uve got a real issue with him but ure not being honest with us about all the issues. Like in your other post u said he didn't want to do oral coz his brother and his sister abused him but now I'm worried that if this was a real post and all u wouldnt be here for this and especially since you said here one affair and on the other 5 affairs or something like that. Anyways we want to help but u need to be honest and tell the truth so we can try to help otherwise you are just wasting our time and u might not need the help.So plz be honest and tell the whole story in on qustion so u get a real good answer, thanks for that and hope u get some good answers coz I know life is hard and confusing and all.
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A
female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (30 April 2008):
 I love Lazy Guys answers ..especially the last one lol .. good job
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Why not just tell him that you've been diagnosed with hemrhoids and that your doctor told you that any more anal sex will cause them to bleed and lead to infection? Tell him that the doctor told you that the hemrhoids are not going to go away without surgery and that the best thing is to leave the area alone and not cause any trauma. The doctor told you that lube will not fix it either.
Then make sure you have hemrhoid creams in your medicine chest that have been used so that he sees some evidence of that and also leave a bloody tissue in the toilet so that he sees youve got symptoms.
If he tries again tell him ouch it hurts! Tell him Ouch I really don't think it's a good idea and if you really cared about me you wouldnt risk my health.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (30 April 2008):
Wait a second, he had an affair and to make up for this he now wants the same, for you painful, type of sex as he had with her?
Cute.
The male answer is simple, if it hurts, don't do it. Trust me, if males had hymens we would die virgins and if we had child birth the human race would have never existed. Oh and since you seem to have practiced enough and it still hurts, it ain't like your virginity.
Stop doing it and really, be on the look out for a better guy.
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A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 Try going on top and lowering yourself onto him, that way you control the depth and rate of penetration. Once you have done it a few times it becomes easier and you can try him behind you. Lubrication is essential as you can damage yourself which leads to unpleasant problems later in life so my nurse friends tell me. If you still don't want to do it tell him, he should respect that, I agree with LazyGuy, how would he feel if it was the other way round. Try it on him and see what he thinks then!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Tell him to shove a dildo up his.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Have you tried a butt plug, preparing the cavity to relax and permitting a larger object to enter?
If it is gross to you to insert a dildo in his, why isn't it gross to have his penis inserted in you?
I suggest, after the above is tried and answered, to agree to insert a dildo (a big one) into him, and along with the same speed and intensity that he does to you to him.
If it is painful still, you should have a right to stop it, and he should agree with your decision, otherwise, I'd personally would call him selfish.
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A
female
reader, Nascar0991 +, writes (30 April 2008):
Nascar0991 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe says it is his demon that he enjoys flirting with. He started doing it after an affair where she said she couldnt cum unless it was anal. From there that is all he wants. He never wanted it before her.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (30 April 2008):
 Hi again,
your not a prude you are simply a person who doesnt enjoy anal sex?
So the threat to use a dildo on i'm I guess would backfire. doh!!
At the end of the day it is about you and your body and what you enjoy during sex. Have you asked him why he prefers anal over vaginal sex?
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A
female
reader, Nascar0991 +, writes (30 April 2008):
Nascar0991 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe end up doing it 2-3 times a week and have been for the last 8 yrs. I try breathing exercises or thinking of good things. He takes it slow and is very gentle and patient with me. He has offered to let me use my dildo on him but that is gross. Am i a prude?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Did you know that anal sex is more enjoyable for guys (receiving) than it is to women? Not mind blowing, but some men find it very very arousing, because it stimulates the prostate...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Have you really tried relax and enjoy it? Vaginal sex probably hurt the first time but I suspect you got through it. It is the same with anal. If you really gave it a shot you would learn to enjoy it!
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (30 April 2008):
I agree with the above, by a large strap on dildo and tell him that you want to do him first. He may start to go off it rather quickly.
Alternatively, just tell him that it hurts and you are not going to do it again, and what is wrong with vaginal sex? Geez, what is it with us blokes these days - its like the vagina is no longer in. Let me be the guy to say its never been out!! More vagina, more vagina!!!
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A
female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (30 April 2008):
If he loves you, he will understand and he wont make you do something, that hurts you or doesnt feel right to you! You just tell him, that you dont want to do it anymore,because its very painful and uncomfortable and that you would maybe rather try something else but not this ....
Good luck
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (30 April 2008):
Feeling is believing. Ever heard of a strapon?
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