A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex-boyfriend has been harassing me, accusing me of not letting him see our young son. I broke up with him because he was always drunk and had poor hygiene.However, my son does not want to see him, and says "Daddy is a bad man!" "Bad daddy!" and gets frightened if he's mentioned.He likes my new boyfriend better and says my new boyfriend is a great dad. If my son doesnt want to see him, then it's up to him and i respect that, i wont force him to.I've tried taking this to the police, but they dismiss it as a civil dispute.what do i do to make him see sense??
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2007): I agree with Jovial, on this one. Dear, how can you make your ex bf see any sense in 'not' visiting with his son? You can't. He is the father and he's letting you know, that as the Dad, he is going to use his legal right to see his son. I also hope you are getting child support payments from your ex bf? He is financially obligated but access to his child, is his right, by law. I know your son does not want to see him, but you may have no choice if your ex insists on it. This is the heartache and emotionally harmful fallout of having babies with a guy who is not good for a child's life. You are on shaky ground here and you have to be very, very careful. This could end up in the courts. It could end being a judge making the heartbreaking choice that your ex gets to visit his son and you cannot do a thing about it. The courts do not view your son just a 'your' child-they view him as a child of 'two' parents. You ex's rights will be considered but so will your child's. The courts are not in the middle of your life, they will be considering both sides of the issue. So...start documenting everything! Keep records in a daily journal, retain phone call records (what was said) , copies of e-mails, text messages...everything.
Now, I have to say, children do overhear and sense things said about certain people. I am not saying this has happened here, but your ex bf could be wondering if this is a clear-cut case of 'parent alienation'. And how do you ever prove that hasn't happened? You can't. It's your word against his. The 'parent alienation' ploy is used quite often in cases where a parent wants his right to visit his kids. So hunker down , dear and get ready for a fight, but you may have to do it, in the courts, dear. I suggest you contact a solicitor for advice and find out what your child's 'rights' are. The child has to have a legal representation. Look for one that specializes in cases like this. Firstly, try to compromise and negotiate a deal with the ex bf, to see if he will agree to visit your son in a supervised situation, where a relative is present or even with you there. But you cannot legally take his rights away, in visiting with your son. The only person who can do that is a judge. I wish you the best of luck in trying to protect your son. It won't be easy if your ex doesn't give up.
A
female
reader, elsie +, writes (14 May 2007):
 the fact that you are quoting your son as saying"bad daddy"sounds like hes pretty young.there are so many considerations to take into account and you have to think this all through very carefully. my ex was an idiot and cheated,never gave me a penny etc.although i had alot of bitterness and anger for him after a while i realised that as sad as he was he still had a right to see his son.although they get on fine my son will figure it out for himself as he gets older.as long as there is no danger involved to your child ie.your ex drinking whilst he has him or keeping him in unhealthy surroundings(dirty home as you mentioned he was poor in his hygiene?)then you must think long and hard.can you cope when your son asks you in a few years time why he cant see dad?do you honestly feel that there are valid enough reasons behind your son feeling this way.you do need to talk more to your son and id also advise going to family mediation for his sake.is your ex actually know what his son has said?id forget about bringing your current guy into the equation too much as you cant be 100% sure what will happen in the future?the police wont be interested,try mediation then solicitors.hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (14 May 2007):
 Well of course he can't see "sense"! He wants to see his son. Does he pay you child support? If he does then I think if you are concerned for your child then make sure you are with him when he visits his father but he should be able to see his father on a regular basis.
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (14 May 2007):
 hi
first of all how old is your son? is this guy a bad father or he is just a heavy drinker with bad hygiene? the reason i am sking this its because i know there are some mothers who turns their children against their fathers they teach their children not to speak or respect their fathers no matter how hard the father tries to be next to their children especially when there is a new man in their lives they will want their children to choose the boyfriend over their father. i hope this child is saying all this things because he witnessed some bad things that his father did which means its up to you to protect this child, you can consult a legal advisor who will tell you how to take this to a family court and what steps can be taken against the father, you might have to go through custody battles to protect this child if you have to so you must saveup for a lawyer.
but if this poor drunkard is really a "good" father besides his drinking you might have to advise him to seek AA for the sake of this child. do you in anyway want this guy to be a father to his son if he cleans up his act? because if u dont he does have rights to be part of his child's life and you will have to get used to the idea.
if this is a small child we are talking about; i think it will be in the best interest of the child to refrain him from calling his dad a bad daddy if this was caused by overhearing adults chats. dont encourage that at all cost psychologically its not healthy, i know to you it might sound good because he likes your current boyfriend but the difference is you can have another man but he will only have one father even if your bf can marry you and adopt him he will still be his father. sometimes its better to swallow the pain and make things right for our children.
fortunately for u if this child is old then the father will have to prove himself to this child so that he can earn his child's trust again, and in the meantime he need to respect his child's wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2007): first ask your son why he feels this way about his father, make sure that he isnt just repeating what someone might have said, like children so often do. And if you find that his explanation is based on what he truely feels then maybe have him talk to his father ( on the phone or somthing whatever works)and go from there.
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