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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hi, I would really appreciate some advice regarding my daughter's boyfriend. His mum threw him out and he was living with me full time for a while but i couldn't sustain it because I was made redundant and didn't have much money plus I was unwell and he was on benefits and I couldn't afford it, in addition to the fact that he kept late hours, made noise and mess and was just generally not tolerable. He is a nice enough guy in some ways but has a sort of 'freebie' mentality. Recently he resolved things with his mum and I asked him to go back there and agreed he could spend 3 nights a week at my place but he has to contribute. I am still looking for another job so have little money. When I anm in work I earn quite well but I still think I shouldn't have to support him. I have two daughters and a dog and I'm a single parent with a health issue so I have to be careful with money, even when I am earning well. He found part time work and I asked him to contribute £25 per week but he still complains that that is '£100 out of my money as soon as i get paid'. He uses gas and light here and the washing machine and soap powder and sometimes eats here too. I also provide wireless etc etc .. This might sound 'petty' but I'm just going over all the costs that he would have to pay for if he lived alone. My other daughter gets annoyed and thinks he should contribute at least a nominal amount. I can't understand why he doesnt just get a full time job (he is 22 and doesnt seem to have done much with his life so far). I am finding it stressful and frustrating. Some of my friends say they wouldn't have him here at all and if he was here, he would most definitely have to contribute but I wanted to get some objective outside thoughts/advice if possible. Has anyone had a situation like this with their own daughter (she is 22 and in her last year of university and she wants him here!) and if so how did you deal with it. I am tired of having to keep asking and reminding him and the other day he actually lied to me and said 'i was only here for 2 nights last night' - this is patently untrue .. he was here for 3 full nights using a laptop all day in the bedroom and eating and having baths and showers. I know this isn't a relationship question as such but I'm struggling a bit with this situation. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks very much. Jane x
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): Talk with your daughter ASAP...is she wants him in home she will understand..and he will do the right thing, pay for living in YOUR home or is your daughter able to pay for his stay???
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): Hi, I posted a note saying thank you for your answers a bit earlier on but I'm not sure if it got added so apologies if this messages comes up twice! Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my question. I also forgot to mention that he clearly does have some money because he got $150 tattoo done the other day, even though he knew he owed some 'rent' money here. I live in North London and the cheapest room that students/young people are saying they can get is £60 per week not including bills and food etc .. but actually the average is more like £80-100, just for one room in a shared house. I therefore think that asking him for £20 to £25 per week if he is here half the week is not unreasonable. My daughter thinks he 'doesn't really have that much of a good deal' and he was heard to saying to her over the weekend 'your life is neat, you have a little garden and your wellies are by the door' ... which makes me thinks that he does manipulate her. Her life is not perfect and we have had our struggles including domestic violence from her father which is why i asked him to leave years ago, so I also feel angry that this guy, nice as he can be (& he is not really a bad person I think ..) is selling her a kind of 'sob story' about his own life and trying to make her feel guilty for having a stable home life .... Either way, I do feel strongly that I am not s shelter for every boyfriend my daughter wants to bring home (the last one was even worse but that is another, long story ..). Thank again for your help - much appreciated. I'm certainly feeling stronger in my convictions now not to allow him to manipulate the situation. Jane x
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A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 Get your financial details together, bills and other outgoings, including food, and show them to your daughter. I did this to my two sons when they thought I was asking them for too much financial contribution towards household expenses. Their reaction was 'God mum, we didn't know it cost THAT much to run a house!' Now they don't complain because they know it would be far more expensive to rent. After your daughter has seen your expenses show them to her boyfriend and tell him to either pay up or go out and find somewhere to rent (quoting a few rental prices to him) because you cannot possibly keep him. Keep going on at him constantly and make him feel uncomfortable.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 If you have ANY adults living in your home, whether they are your own adult children or not, you should be charging them for room and board. It doesn't have to be a fortune but it should be something. Nips that "the world owes me a living" attitude in the bud. If they truly have no money then assign chores, and be firm, work or get out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): Hello! This is the original poster here. Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my problem - much appreciated. I meant to mention but forgot, that this guy paid £150 for a tattoo last week even though he was behind with his contributions here. I don't feel that £20 or £25 a week is an unreasonable amount for someone who is here half the week. I am very generous with food and if I cook I always offer him some. I feel much better after reading your answers because somehow they DO manage to make me feel as though I am being mean or unreasonable.....thanks again xx
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 Kick him out if he can't pay his rent. He doesn't get to stay for free, plain and simple. The choice is his. Either he pays or he goes to live for free back with his own mom. It's not unfair, and it's not being hard on him either, it's simply the way things work in the real world. You're in no way responsible for him. If your daughter wants him there so badly she can pay for him herself, and at least she should persuade him to contribute. I can only imagine what kind of life they will have together once she has graduated and moved out on her own... with the freeloader boyfriend tagging along. Sounds great. Remind your daughter of that, and stand your ground. Your house, your rules.
He needs to contribute, and you're not asking for much. In fact you could aks whatever you please, it's YOUR house, YOU get to decide who stays and YOU get to decide how much money you need/want from him. If he doesn't like it he can leave!!! You're not some youth shelter for heavens sake....
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (31 January 2011):
 I think you need to talk to your daughter and make sure she understands just how serious this is. Tell her you understand she wants him at the house, and you are happy to have him around but you cannot support him on your current income, therefore he will not be allowed round unless he contributes.
It is your house, therefore you set the rules. If you are out of pocket because of everything he is using in your house, then you are well within your rights to make him pay or dont let him in. Simple as that.
But you need to go through your daughter to make this clear - she will obviously love him but also you are her mum and she wont want to see you struggle either, so if it comes from her then maybe her boyfriend will take more notice.
Maybe even try breaking the costs down on paper or on a spreadsheet to show just how much he is costing. It might take some time to work out with all the figures but it will be worth it, as when he (and your daughter) see just how much he costs they wont be able to argue with cold hard evidence. So look at your food bill and how much it has gone up since he has been around, look at how often he showers and work out how much water that will cost, look at the extra electricity, the internet data usage...etc. Gas, electric and water bills normally give the unit rate so you can work it out from this roughly how much he is costing.
At the end of the day, your daughter should respect your house and your generosity - you have been very good to him so far so it is really bad on their part that they continue to take advantage of you. Sit your daughter down and explain how it makes you feel, and that you dont want to get to the point where it is awkward between you and her boyfriend, but it cannot continue anymore.
Be firm with them both, and if he continues to avoid giving you any money then simply dont allow him around to the house and tell your daughter if she wants to see him, she has to either go out or go round to his mum's house. She is 22, so presuming he is 22 as well, then they are both adults and should be able to take care of themselves never mind having you forking out for them. Just be strict with them and stick to your principles - you are totally in the right here.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): You sound like a nice woman but you are letting this man walk over you. He is not your son, you owe nothing to him yet he is taking total advantage. Why has his mum kicked him out? maybe because he was lazy and didn't pay his way and now doing it too you. Give him a warning, pay rent or he is out. He isn't family so I do not see your stuggle here
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