A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 26 year old male and I came out of a violent relationship just over two years ago. I was with my ex for a little under three years. She would drink bottles of wine every day and get violent towards me. I lost count of the times that she punched me and made me bleed. She would always accuse me of lying to her from the smallest things to fairly big things, but I never lied to her. She would demand money from me saying that I owed it to her for this and that but I didn't owe her anything. If I didn't pay up I would end up beaten and bruised. If I ever tried to defend myself then I ended up the bad guy in her eyes and she would tell her family how awful I was to her. I finally found the courage to leave her and went to live with my parents. Shortly afterwards she started calling me and sending abusive text messages saying that if I didn't pay her the money I owed her then she would see to it that I end up beaten within an inch of my life. I didn't owe her anything so I just tried to ignore the messages and get on with starting my life again. As she wasn't getting a response from me on the phone calls or text messages, she started to call my parent's home telephone number and told them how I am a horrible person who would beat her up and that I owed her thousands of pounds. Of course, my parents told her where to go and there was peace and quiet for a while. After a couple of months she started texting me saying that men love her and she is getting lots of attention and sex. I didn't care one bit and thought that it was a rather pathetic thing to do. A couple of months afterwards I met a really lovely lady. She is everything that I have always wanted in a woman and I love her more than anything and anyone. We are getting married next year. After a couple of months of dating my fiancee, I told her about my past abusive relationship. She was very understanding and comforted me. Soon after, I started receiving text messages again telling me to pay up or face the 'consequences'. I ignored it and soon after received another message telling me that she will 'get me'. I also ignored this but started saving the text messages just in case I needed to go to the police. Needless to say, nothing happened to me. In the end I changed my phone number so she couldn't contact me. Then, on my birthday this year I was at my friend's house when one of my friends received a phone call out of the blue from my ex saying that I am a liar and a thief and I owe her thousands of pounds. Of course my friend told her where to go but my ex replied that she would come round to show 'evidence' of this. She never did. That was the last incident. Now, I have started having problems. I keep getting flashbacks in my head of being abused by her and it is driving me crazy. I havent told my fiancee about it as i don't want to upset her but I think I may be sinking in to a mild depression. I can't afford to talk to a professional but I need to talk to someone about it. I don't want it to start destroying the beautiful relationship I have now because then my ex has won. Can anyone offer me any advice? I need to get it out of my head.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): Gosh, you have been to hell and back with this screwball of an ex gf, haven't you. I honestly think you could be experiencing a an anxiety disorder, or something akin to a form of post traumatic stress disorder. This just doesn't happen to military soldiers who served in wars...it happens to survivors of physical abuse and let's face it, you did suffer through a lot of traumatic events here. Having this awful ex gf haunt your life in the way, she's doing this...has been building an annxious thought process in you. You are re-experiencing the trauma which includes the intrusive memories and flashbacks. I think you should be on the look out for other anxiety/trauma symptoms and you should get into your doctor for a full medical and tell him what is happening. I also think you are right, if you aren't careful, this could over take your life and could cause trouble in your current relationship with your fiancee and could effect your mental health and physical health. If you feel you are experiencing some depression, that could a sub-symptom of trauma. And you got to watch that. Depression causes one to detach from those you love, it causes you get irritable and angry, you are always on guard, paranoid...looking over your shoulder. And from that comes the medical problems ...sleep problems, headaches, stomach /intestinal troubles......the list goes on.
I am concerned that if you don't seek help to learn coping skills to combat this anxiety, your life could get very difficult. And you need to always, always remember: Think clearly, think rationally and make time to keep reaching out to those who do add meaning to your life. Try to decide here and now, what is most important to you and stay focused on that. And refuse to allow this past pain keep trickling into your present happiness now. You have to do this, because unfortunately, these anxious feelings of anger and resentment can seep into a beautiful relationship and poison it. The only way you may be able to pull through this, is to seek some counseling. If you do, ask for a therapist that deals with trauma. They will teach you to let go of the past...which in turn will provide you with a springboard for you and your fiancee's lives to move ahead. Just make your mind up to rise above all this and refuse to allow such a horrid time of your life, to control you any further. Good luck and please stay strong.
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