A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm only interested in advice, not judgement. If you don't have anything constructive to say, you should not even bother responding.My husband and I been married for 8 years, and have a 5 year old. We were together for 2 years before that.I've also been having an affair for over a year. I know I need to end it, but I can't.I love my husband, but I also resented him for a long time. I'm a sexual person, and I have a slutty side. I get turned on by performing oral sex. I like dirty talk, slightly rough sex (like hair pulling), different positions, sex in places beside the bedroom, and so on. When we first got together, sex with my husband was fun and unpredictable. I'd go down on before work, we would have sex in the kitchen, in the shower, or fool around in public secretly. We even tried anal sex a couple of times. This all changed after our son was born. Sex has become predictable. He no longer wants me to perform oral sex on him, he only wants to have sex at night in the bed in 1 or two positions. I've told him that I'm dissatisfied, offered to go down on him more than once, and he refuses. He says he doesn't want the mother of his child acting like a porn star.Sex became routine, and eventually I wound up laying in bed mostly passive while we had sex and faking any kind of enjoyment. I started to resent my marriage.I started having an affair to fulfill my sexual needs, and it's made my marriage more tolerable. I'm not in love with the guy I'm cheating with, it's just to get the satisfaction I need. I need to end the affair, but I can't as long as I'm not satisfied with sex with my husband.I need help. How can I get my husband to understand that we not in the same place sexually, so that I can put an end to my affair? I've tried talking and suggesting counseling, and he will not for it.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (18 October 2014):
Dear OP,
I agree with the first agony aunt that it would be best to put your cards on the table.
Not because of a moral reason, but because your marriage is slowly dying. And you just can't get someone to understand something, if you don't tell the whole truth.
If you're honest, you risk a divorce, but if you're dishonest, you risk him to find out later anyway, and also nothing will change until then.
I guess you both need some honest and painful talk about what's going on in your marriage. Maybe it's not just that he doesn't want you to act like a porn star, it may as well be just a thing said to hurt you so you won't ask for the true problem. He used to like these things and now he doesn't. So he has changed, his desire has changed, and there may be some deeper reason for that.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 October 2014):
 For some reason he just stopped seeing you as a sexual figure. Some men who witnessed childbirth described it as an experience that changed their brains forever. What I would be curious though, is if he still has that animal passion in him, like does he desire that with other women, or did that part die after your son's birth.
If you want to preserve this marriage and not open it up, then see if it's possible to enjoy good ole love making. I understand that when a man has backwards thinking, it makes women angry, resentful. It makes women insecure about men's attraction to them. It also seems like a sexist thing to do, to compartmentalize women into mothers and whores. Let's see if you can get past this anger and maybe forgive? Maybe your husband did not mean to upset you, and he can't help how he feels.
I had had rough sex before but when it comes to different boyfriends, I just go with what they like. Maybe it's my easy going personality that helps. I also find it helps if I let go of the past, what used to be, and just accept the way things are. You know he can't change, so it has to be your ability to be flexible.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 October 2014):
 "How can I get my husband to understand that we not in the same place sexually, so that I can put an end to my affair? I've tried talking and suggesting counseling, and he will not for it."
He knows you are not in the same place sexually. That's why he "says he doesn't want the mother of his child acting like a porn star." He doesn't want to have sex in the way you did in the past. He's not into it.
You already know this though. You built up resentment and started the affair as a bit of revenge for his lack of interest in having sex the way you would like to.
If sex is this important to you that you had to go outside the marriage to meet your "needs" then you're not in the right relationship.
You can't continue the affair without his knowledge as that's not fair because you could be exposing him to the STDs your man on the side may be contracting elsewhere.
So you'll have to deal with it by asking again, and you can try to get to the bottom of his statement about not wanting the mother of his child to act like a porn star. That suggests a level of sexual conservatism that is incompatible with your stated need for less vanilla sex. Why it took him so long to tell you will be the mystery, of course, but as he won't talk about it and won't go to counseling, you may never know.
You could ask for an open marriage, so that you can have sex outside the marriage with his consent. Though of course a man who says he doesn't the mother of his child acting like porn star, it's extremely unlikely that he'd be happy to have the mother of his child have sex with other men.
So that leaves you with the last option of leaving the marriage, finding a way to co-parent your child, while you pursue the sexual life you so clearly feel you need and deserve.
Keeping on with the affair without his knowledge is not responsible due to the risk for STDs, so that's really not a good choice for the long term. Plus your level of resentment will continue and that's not healthy for the marriage either.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (16 October 2014):
 Maybe if you told him about your affair he will understand how important sex is to you. Of course he may also divorce you but then you're pretty much are heading that way anyway. At least then you can hook up with guys without any guilt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2014): First of all apologise to him for breaking your vows - confess.
Then let him know that either you rekindle things or you walk or you have an open relationship. Give him those three options.
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