A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I've been going out with my boyfriend for seven months. We'd been acquaintances for four years, but had only seriously started talking and hanging out since the middle of June. He'd been in two other serious relationships before ours and I'd never really had a serious relationship before him. The only relationship I'd had, I was cheated on and found out much later that my boyfriend at the time had a girlfriend the entire time he was with me. For the entire year before I started dating my current boyfriend, my best friend at the time and I went crazy with partying and drunk hookups. I got drunk all the time and got myself into terrible situations and pretty much always ended up hooking up with some guy at whatever party I was at. In June, when my current boyfriend and I started hanging out and really getting to know each other and I realized that he and I were getting along extremely well and I was really starting to develop strong feelings for him. In early July, he was going on vacation for a weekend and my best friend and I got extremely wasted that weekend. The night before he left for his vacation, he told me for the first time that he liked me. He'd already known I liked him, but he kept telling me he wasn't looking for a relationship. He'd just gotten out of a serious relationship a few months previous and had been really hurt by his ex. I'd been told that same "not looking for a relationship" line so many times that I felt like I knew exactly where it was going...just like every other time I've ended up hurt. The weekend he was gone, my best friend and I went to a party at the house of a guy I'd been crushing on for a year. He and I were both extremely drunk and ended up hooking up. We didn't have sex, but we went as far as we could without it. I was not into it at all. I'd dreamed about that exact situation for the past year and all I could think about was the boy on vacation. After we hooked up, all I could think about was how much I really was starting to fall for this new boy. I hadn't kissed him or anything yet, the most we'd done was hold hands, and I decided that night that I was going to go for him, whether he wanted a girlfriend or not. The next night after all that happened, my boyfriend was still on vacation and my best friend and I went back to that same house. Again, I got incredibly wasted and ended up downstairs with a guy I had just met. He took advantage of how drunk I was and kissed me and I immediately told him I was uncomfortable and left. I'd discussed the idea of telling the guy on vacation everything that had happened when he was gone, but my best friend at the time (we're no longer friends) convinced me that it wasn't a good idea and I respected her opinion so much that I decided she was right. In August, my boyfriend finally asked me out and everything was really good. He'd known a few days after he got back from vacation that I'd hooked up with that first guy when he was gone, but he didn't know how far we went and I was scared to tell him. It wasn't until September or October when he finally found out how far we really did go and that really hurt him. I felt terrible and he really isn't one to talk about his feelings, so it was dropped and we didn't talk about it for awhile. Then in December, we got into a fight and I told him about the night after I hooked up with that guy when the other guy kissed me. He was so upset and so hurt. But again, we didn't really talk about it and it wasn't brought up for awhile. Then last night, we got into the biggest fight we've ever gotten into, after we've been going out for 7 months so strong. He told me how terrible he feels about what happened that weekend and how he's always tried so hard to get over it, but just doesn't know how he can trust me when I lied to him about it. And how he really does believe I've changed (since I dropped my best friend, I don't drink too much anymore), and wants to trust me, but sometimes questions whether or not I deserve that trust. My boyfriend has never done anything to betray my trust. He's never been cheated on and doesn't really know how to deal with this situation. And I've never loved someone as much as I do him to really want to fix things between us. He says he's stayed with me because he really does love me and he does see a very serious and committed relationship at the end of this. We're extremely serious now and we've even talked about far in the future how we want to get married and be together for the rest of our lives. I just don't know how to fully gain his trust back and I want to so bad. I want to prove to him that I will not and could not hurt him again. I've explained to him everything I've explained here, and I really am not holding anything else back. All secrets have been revealed. I just don't want him to constantly be upset about this. I want us to get past this and we both want to get to the point where he doesn't have to constantly worry about what I'm doing and if I'm safe and if I'm being smart and making good decisions. Like I said, I don't drink much anymore. Mostly it's just with him, but occasionally if someone invites me to a party, I'll come along and drink. I really do think though that since I've been with him I've made better decisions and I want him to realize that I'm still trying. We've both learned that I learn pretty much only from making mistakes. We both want to get to the point where I don't have to make those mistakes to find out that something is bad. And because I only figure out my wrongdoings AFTER making those mistakes, he doesn't know how to trust me because he fears that I'll keep making mistakes that will hurt him. I really just don't know what to do. I want to change and I'm 100% willing to make those changes, especially after the last conversation we had about all this. That conversation reminded me how important he is to me and how much I love and need him in my life. I just don't know where either of us go from here. He asked me what I would do if I was in his situation and I told him that I want to have another chance (which obviously he's already given me) and that if I screw up again, he doesn't deserve someone like me. I just really don't know how to move on from here. I need him to trust me.
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best friend, crush, drunk, his ex, move on Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010): I think it is a good sign that you are both so willing to try and make this work, despite everything that has happened. You have been open with him, and he has been open with you about his feelings in turn.
I think that you just have to keep doing what you are doing. Keep communication between you open, talk about how you are feeling, and prove to him that you are serious this time. It might take him time to get over this, but if you stay faithful and honest to him, and give him no real reasons to doubt you, then time may heal what has happened. There isn't really anything else you can do. You have explained, you have apologised. The rest lies in continuing from here, and building that trust again.
It may be that he never feels able to completely trust you, and that could be a problem in the future. If that is the case, the damage may be done, and it might be best to walk away from each other, if trust cannot be rebuilt. But hopefully it won't be like that!
I honestly think you are going about this the right way, and that you both have a good chance at working things out. As long as you are both willing to remain open, and to try and heal things, I think the rest will depend on time. I hope it works out for you both. x
A
male
reader, MichaelProops  +, writes (23 February 2010):
On the one hand, you're young and maybe you need to 'play the field' a bit so that you can understand who you are and what you want. On the other, whatever age you are, it is clearly wrong to lead someone who has feelings for you on and hurt him. You need to show respect and consideration. Always try to 'do as you would be done by' and put yourself in their shoes - how would you like it if he got drunk and started kissing other girls? Not very much, is my guess.
I think you need to work out what it is you actually want here. What you have been doing does not really square with what you say you want from the relationship with this new boy.
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