A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm 48-years-old. My husband is 63. We dated for 2 years then bought a home together. After another 2 years we were married. Now, 2 years later, he has walked away from our home and my life.Let me back up a little bit. He is an alcoholic. When sober he is the greatest, sweetest man in the world. When drinking he is a monster. This past summer he was on a 3-week bindge. That is, he started to drink and never slept. He would pass out for about 20-30 minutes at a time but as soon as his eyes opened he would drink some more.This bindge ended when I took away his beer. He got mad and left me, never to return. I knew that I shouldn't do it but he was saying such horrible things to me that I just wanted it all to end.I've talked to him by phone a couple times. He has no intention to return to me or the house. He says it is worth losing everything just to get away from me. By his tone of voice I could tell that he was still drinking.I love him so much that it hurts. I cry myself to sleep every night and spend most of the day crying. My home is so quiet and lonely without him. Is there any way I can get him to realize that I didn't destroy the relationship and that alcohol is to blame? I'm an attractive woman with a lot to offer. Men have all ready started to hit on me. I know that I could fill the void. I know that there are other men that I could love if I let myself. But, I want my husband back.Am I hoping for something that just will not happen? It's been almost a month without him. He found a rental home a few days ago. Is my marriage over? Do I need to let go of my dreams of a life together with him? I'm ready to accept the drunk if that is the only way he will come back. Do you think he will come back? At what point do I have to give up and stop grieving over him?Thanks in advance for any advice that is offered.Abandoned, Small Town, NY
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello SeeingStars,
Thank you for your response. Most of all, thank you for the compassionate way you responded. I see a lot of wisedom in your words.
Of course it is hard to let go but you really are right. We've been through this in the past, although not as bad, but it's like a circle. The alcohol always comes back into the picture, along with the pain. Once I get past the denial I know that it really does get worse.
Thanks again. I appreciate your response.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): Oh, I am sorry to hear of your situation. It must be very painful for you. In all honesty I don't think there is much else you can do while he is like this. While he is under the influence and control of alcohol, there will be no getting through to him. And I don't think you can convince him that the alcohol has destroyed the relationship, as I think he will simply deny it, and deny that he has a problem.
I have been in a relationship with an alcoholic before, and I had to let him go. It was not easy. I loved him with all my heart. But the alcohol made him someone I did not even recognise. His relationship with alcohol was his main priority, and there was no reaching him. He was unwilling to accept responsibility. I tried to help him, but it was futile and pointless. And it was all destroying me.
You cannot help someone with an alcohol problem, they have to be willing to help themselves, and to accept help offered to them. If they can't or won't do that, there is nothing you can do. I know you must miss him terribly, and wish he could be the person he is when sober. But the reality at this moment is that he is in the grip of an alcohol problem. He is not the same man.
I really do not think it is a good idea to "accept the drunk if that is the only way he will come back." I can understand how you feel, but that is not a wise thing to do. By doing that, you will be giving him the message that it is okay, that you accept his behaviour and treatment of you. You will be saying it is okay for him to drink. Nothing will change. And the situation will get worse for you. It has already caused you a lot of pain. If you take him back now, it will be the same, maybe worse.
I think it is best to let him go for now. He needs to sort himself out, and only he can do that. And he needs to choose to do that. If he gets help and at some point wants to try again with you, then there will be hope. But until that happens, and if it does...there is none. I am sorry, but that is what I think. And that is what I have learned from my experience.
I think you need to focus on taking care of yourself now. It must be flattering that other men are asking you out, but I don't think that is what you need right now. You need time for you, to heal and become stronger. Rushing into another man's arms will just make things more confusing. And there is no right point to stop grieving and move on. The right time is when YOU are ready. It cannot be rushed. There is no hurry when it comes to your feelings.
Again, I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing, and my heart goes out to you, truly. Please try and focus on taking care of yourself. You can get through this.
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