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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and seven months. he's my first boyfriend and I'm his longest, most important relationship (he even says he'd like to marry me).However, now I have a problem. His mother got fired, and wel she's not very young so the odds that she gets a new job soon are well, low. So obviously this has ben a lot on my boyfriend's mind, so much, that's he's become a bit colder and less of a joker around me. I can tell his concerned and everything, and he even told me that's why he hasn't been very affectionate, 'cos his mind's somewhere else... the thing is, he won't open up about it!I told him I'm his girlfriend, so I'll be there for him if he wants to talk, because obviously he's sad, but he won't. He says he's never liked talking about his problems with anyone, because he doesn't like people to feel sorry for him, or to worry other people. But it's different,I'm supposed to be there for the good and bad times, not just the good ones. But he went on how he just can't open up, that he can't be weak because he's a guy, and that "boys don't cry...", that he has to look strong to me, that society has conditioned him to be like that, that it's the way it is and he deosn't want my image of him to change. Actually he has only opened up about a problem once, and he cried and everything and it made me feel so much closer to him. I want to be there for him, but he just won't allow me.How can I get him to open up? I told him it's unhealthy for him to bottle everything up, but he wouldn't listen. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): I think you might want to stop putting pressure on your boyfriend to open up so you can be there for him.
When I was young like you I made this tragic mistake in all my relationships with men. I assumed that if they did not let me in to their most intimate thoughts most of the time that meant he did not care for me.
Men really are different than women, this book gets recommended a lot on this site, but it is for a reason, it is a really good book for understanding the difference between men and women "Mars vs Venus" is the name of it, it is famous go to the library and they will point you right to it.
I think you need to realize that true intimacy comes around sporadically and can not be forced, think of it as a Kodak moment, fleeting, but worth it to be there when it happens. Right now you are putting more pressure on your boyfriend to be something he is not when he needs to withdraw and work out his problems so he can come back to you with them all worked out.
Really, you wouldn't want him to take the role of the man in the relationship and have him always be dumping his problems on you.
Men don't swim as well as women do in the stream of words and emotions, they get flooded, and then just shut down.
He isn't supposed to be like your best girlfriend, he is something different, he is your partner, appreciate the differences and you will be happier with your relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): Guys find it harder to open up I guess... it sucks.. Just keep telling him that your there for him and keep trying . there's not really much more you can do . Maybe eventually he will come around . Tell him that him telling you will only make you closer . Try it and see what heppens....
that's all I can tell you to do
I hope it helped
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