A
female
age
36-40,
*sk_Pol_25
writes:How do I get guys to go from just wanting sex to wanting more with me? I like this guy and he likes me but he won't date me because he says he isn't after getting involved with anyone at the moment and says that he doesn't want to hurt me. Its not like I'm asking him to commit his life to me I'm just asking him to go out with me and get to know me and not just think he is gonna hurt me cos I want more than just sex. I just don't know what I can do other than walk away but there is something about this guy that I can't walk away from. The chemistry between us is like something I haven't expereinced in a while. Any ideas on what I can do? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (7 August 2012):
Hi. As you have said that you haven't slept with him as yet, well then it's just a case of getting to know him well and finding out what he is interested in, and his likes and dislikes - in life generally.
Most relationships usually start out as being good friends, and as you get to know each other better, well then you become emotionally close.
And it's the emotional closeness that is the glue that really keeps two people wanting to be together and to stay together.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): I don't understand. How can you not be sure if marriage & family is what you want from him? If you only wanted to get to know him, then aren't you doing that already? What's the point of wanting a CHANCE with him when you yourself aren't sure if eventually you want to be his wife or not? My dear, the love of a man is something you have to be 200% sure in your heart that it is what you want. Don't dillydally. Life is too short. If you want him to be your man for life, make sure in your heart & mind this is what you want, so that people like us can be more than happy to help point the right way for you. I'm only writing this to you because I want you to succeed with him. If all this is too much for you, than forget it. Just continue as you are being his buddy & hope somewhere down the line, you decide that he is the one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012):
If you haven't had sex and he has still told you he 'doesn't want to date you','isnt after getting involved' and 'doesn't want to hurt you'.I would say he is pretty clear in his mind. He doesn't want to just use you either as he must respect you,which is good. However you can't expect him to do what he doesn't want to do. You could be the most amazing girl on the planet but, he has made up his mind,your not for him.
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A
female
reader, Ask_Pol_25 +, writes (6 August 2012):
Ask_Pol_25 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know if I want those things from him. I just wanna get to know him better and spend sometime with him and see what happens in the future. I don't know him well enough yet to know if I even eventually want a relationship with him I just wanna have to chance to get to know him and him know me and sees what happens.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2012): Okay then. That's a relief. How you said it kind of misled me. I'm sure you're an honorable woman. Before I write anything, let me make something clear. I can suggest a way that he can want you & eventually love you & only you. But you have to let us know wether you want this relationship to be permanent or temporary. When I say permanent, I mean marriage permanent. You want him to be your husband & father of your children. If you are into him for social reasons, then I don't want to waste my time giving away good info.
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A
female
reader, Ask_Pol_25 +, writes (5 August 2012):
Ask_Pol_25 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to inform everyone who is answering this question for me. I haven't slept with him. I'm not the kind of girl that will jump into bed straight away. If my question made it seem like I have slept with him then I gave the wrong impression.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2012): I agree with 'old bag' & 'I'm here to help you'. Having sex before having a relationship is always disasterous. If you want to earn a mans love & affections as well as his respect & honor NEVER hand him sex on a golden plate. A man will always value a woman he feels he has put effort into loving. Don't think that giving sex is a shortcut to his heart. We are not like you. Women naturally bond to men both physically & emotionally. Men naturally get physically attracted but takes time to emotionally bond with women. Personally, I don't see both of you getting deeper in a relationship becauseyou both already had sex outside of the context of an intimate relationship. Sorry but you just gave him a one night stand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2012): Unfortunately if he doesn't want a relationship, there's not a lot you can do about it.
You may just have to walk away and find someone who does.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (5 August 2012):
 Hi
This guy doesn't want to give you a chance,he has been totally honest.Chemistry can be one sided.
The only way you can stop other men just seeing you as sex, is to not sleep with them until your in a relationship,till you have formed a bond and feel secure.
Attraction has to be a two way thing for a relationship to develop.When it doesnt develop sometimes its that,others its bad timimg,sometimes your just not their type long term.Its all part of dating,finding the two way attraction.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (5 August 2012):
Hi there. Well the one thing you DO NOT want to do, is to apply any pressure on him for more than he is ready to give.
At least he is being honest, when he said he wasn't ready for a relationship.
So you know he's not messing with your heart - and that is a positive thing.
The other thing to consider here, is if you and him have slept together, which it seems that it has, you are at risk of it becoming a "Friends With Benefits" relationship.
And it's possible that it is that way, or could become that way - if not already.
To answer whether it is an FWB relationship, there are a few things to consider here.
Things like:-
(1) How did you meet in the first place?
(2) Did you meet when you were both out with your friends, and then you went home with him - and had sex?
(3) Does he ever take you out, or has he ever taken you out and spent money on you, in the past?
(4) When he calls you up, does he ask you to come over or does he pick you up at your house?
(5) When you do see him, do you just get physical - kiss, have sex - and then you either drive home, or he drops you back to your house?
(6) How many times a week does he call you up for this to happen?
(7) Do you ever have any meaningful conversations, or is there no real talk between you at all - after you have had sex?
All these points above, describe a typical FWB type relationship, which very rarely goes beyond being a casual liaison - simply for sex, and nothing more.
It's so easy to get into one of these type of relationships with a guy we fancy, and us women always hope that it will eventually evolve to a romance.
Unfortunately, it never does.
And it's partly because sometimes women go too quickly into sleeping with a guy straight away after meeting them, believing they won't be interested if we decline.
The truth is though, that if you say no to sex on first meeting them, they are far more likely to invite you out on a date in the very near future.
And it seems that the reason for that, could be that if you jump into bed so easily with a guy you've only just met, well then there is going to be an assumption made by that guy, that you may not be trustworthy.
And so, it becomes a friendship where you only see each other for one single purpose - for sex.
And while ever you keep on saying "Yes" to him - or anyone else for that matter - it will probably only ever be an FWB relationship, and will go no further.
While you keep on saying "Yes" to him, he will keep on calling you for sex.
If you suddenly say - "No, I can't - I'm busy."
Well then, you might just have a chance of it evolving into a regular relationship, which is what you really want, isn't it?
So when you go out with your friends in future, to avoid this type of disappointent again, you can either just NOT go home with anyone, OR, if they take your phone number well then the chances are excellent that they WILL call you over the next week. It could be 3-5 days, however it probably will happen, nevertheless.
And when they do call you, don't act over anxious or over excited, just act normal.
You don't want to come across as needy and desperate, because that pushes men away - they get scared.
And when you DO go out on that all important first date, DO NOT jump into bed with them on the first night, because if you do, you may not see them again.
And also, you risk being in an FWB relationship again, and history repeating itself.
Wait for one or two more dates, until you are really sure you DO actually like them enough in the first place, to get that close to them.
And if you do that, you will then have their complete respect right from the outset.
And that's what you really want, isn't it?
And it goes without saying, they will also TRUST you.
And that's really important in any relationship.
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A
female
reader, MandiSaur  +, writes (5 August 2012):
 It isn't that every guys wants sex from you, it's that the guys you begin to like only want sex from you (that's what it seems like). There are men out there that don't want just sex. But there are also guys that want sex and that's it. So find a guy that wants a legit relationship from you, and if he is willing to have make it work without the sex, the chemistry will be unbelievable. You were lucky to have found out that is all he wanted from the get-go. It could have ended with him getting what he wanted and you left with a broken heart. There is an amazing guy who is waiting for a self-respecting girl like you to come along and blow his mind away with an amazing relationship just waiting to happen.
Good luck!
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