A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:There's this woman that I work with that took a liking to me. At first she would subtly show interest by asking me how I was and if I needed anything, I could ask her. I never thought anything of it so I started to talk to her on a friendly basis from time to time. As time went on, she got bolder and started to flirt with me. Again, I didn't take this to heart as I thought it was harmless. I did decide that I shouldn't flirt back because I didn't feel any kind of attraction to her. As even more time went by, she has went from shyly flirting to outright admitting she wants me. She's also done very provacotive things like hugging me while I'm sitting down. Nothing wrong with that, right? Well, she made everything uncomfortable when she decided to wear a low top and basically nuzzle me into her cleavage. I don't find her physically attractive so this wasn't a turn on in any way. It was just an annoyance with the fact that she's getting bolder and bolder with her actions despite me not giving her attention. I've talked to a close friend about this as I was seeking some advise to get her to leave me alone. He said that I should just continue to ignore her. I did do this for the last month but she is still trying to get closer to me. Just the other day, she cranked up the radio in our department and tried to put on a sexy dance for me. I just walked the other direction in hopes that she would get the not-so-subtle hint that I wasn't interested.I know I risk sounding shallow but I don't care. I don't find her attractive because she's overweight and almost twice my age. I work out in the gym four days a week and I tend to keep myself physically fit. I'm not asking for a girl that's as motivated as me to be healthy, I just find it a REAL turn off when a plus sized girl takes her interest this far with me. I don't have a problem with her as a person. I just wish she wouldn't flirt with me anymore. There are other girls that have shown their interest in me as well. She has made it a point to ruin that for me. Ex. Two days ago, a girl who has been talking to me for a while made a very flirtateous comment while we were around other coworkers. I guess she heard the comment and came between the girl and I saying "You're not flirting with my husband, are you?"The girl walked away, obviously embarassed by the interuption. How can I get this woman to leave me alone for good??
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co-worker, flirt, I work with, overweight, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 August 2012):
 You tell her face to face that she needs to stop. If she doesn't respect that do it when she acts up in front of other. And again, if that doesn't help.. HR ( human resources or personnel manager.)would be the next stop.
Some people can handle harmless flirting, others can't - seems to me that she falls into the latter category.
But DO try and be professional at work it gives you much more credibility.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes she is definitely flirting with me. I did take into consideration that she might have just been playing around in the beginning, but all doubts were erased when she admitted to me that she wanted me. Also the cleavage thing is a bit out there for just harmlessly playing around. Even if she was just fooling around, she has to realize that she is causing me great discomfort in my work place. The end result is the same. I need her to stop.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): Are u sure she is flirting with you? Her last comment about you bin her husband made me thinking that may be she is just a foolish woman with bad jokes.If she is twice her age especially, I don't know, would you tLk to her? And ask her if she is actually flirting with you? Because some women adapt this kind of behavior as a joke. My Spanish teacher has a habit to call stud every cute guy in my group. And we laugh about it. She also cLls them my love, and my handsome boy. And she is in her 50s.You know , it's like its an obvious fact that she is not a match to you, that's why she is goofing around with you. I m pretty much sure if she knew you take it so seriously she would stop. But again thats just my opinion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionKarlos5021- I did lie to her in hopes that she would leave me alone. I told her that I had a girlfriend and I was faithful to her. Her only responce was "there's nothing wrong with having a little fun on the side. I can keep a secret." Thank you Ciar and Tisha. I understand the work place isn't meant for flirting. I will keep it to a minimum so that I can have some credibility.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2012): Why don't you just tell her you've been talking to a girl away from work settings, and now you've started dating? This may work in putting her off you.
Other than that, you need to be firm and assertive with her and tell her how it is.
And if that doesn't work, maybe you should report her to someone of authority in the work place about her harassment.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (20 August 2012):
 Most welcome.
Most people, like yourself, will err on the side of caution in social settings. Your colleague, however, is so starved for attention, affection, validation or whatever it is she seeks, that she ignores those subtle hints. She sees them, but as long as she pretends she doesn't and as long as you care too much about hurting her feelings to say something outright she will continue to intrude upon boundaries.
Imagine someone who hasn't eaten in days. By the time they do get food, they're so ravenous they don't care about table manners or how they look while they're eating. She is that way socially.
Tisha has given you some good examples of how to put it to her and she raises an excellent point about preserving your own credibility at work by not flirting with others. Even as a joke.
Flirting is, in my opinion, a playful way of letting someone know you're available and interested. If you're not then it sends mixed messages, causes confusion and leads to awkward situations, so save it for when you really are available and interested.
I would not involve management just yet. Try this approach first.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 August 2012):
 Have some lines already memorized and practice if needed.
"Brunhilda, you are overstepping the bounds. Stop now."
"Brunhilda, your actions are becoming offensive to me. Stop now."
"Brunhilda, I am not flirting with you. I need for you to leave me alone so I can do my work. Stop harassing me."
"Brunhilda, this is now harassment. Stop. I don't appreciate it and I want this type of behavior on your part to end now."
After a comment like she made to the other girl about flirting with 'her husband,' you could have said, "Brunhilda, that kind of comment is not welcomed, it's not wanted and it's not appreciated. Please. Stop it."
As Ciar said, don't hang around to have a discussion about it or allow her to go into an apology. If she does start one, "Brunhilda, I appreciate you trying to apologize. I will accept your apology if you stop these types of comment and actions in the future. Thank you and let's not discuss this any further, I think we are both clear on boundaries now." Walk away.
Don't open yourself up to being targeted by her by flirting with other people in the office, either. If you want to maintain some credibility here, leave flirtatiousness for after work.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Ciar. I have to say, I love your approach to this situation. I was really dreading having to talk to her about this situation. Your approach on the other hand will let me act out how I really feel about her. I am really annoyed at the fact that she's so forward with me. I've been trying to do this the nice way because I didn't want to come off as a jerk.What I think annoys me the most is that she DOESN'T know how to take a hint. When I flirt with a girl and she shows a disinterest to me, I simply stop and walk away. I don't return, I don't stalk and I certainly don't lower myself to the level of desperation. She on the other hand have no concept of that. I guess what really drew the line for me was when she actually did chase away someone I liked. The girl that walked away didn't know me well enough to know whether or not she was serious about us being a couple. I had to explain to her that it was just a co-worker being silly. She still thinks I might be an under-cover player so she's cautious in being around me.I'll try your approach because I'm really sick and tired of being hounded by this woman. Thank you for your advise.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (20 August 2012):
 Hi,
I think you should speak to your boss and then to the woman, and then report back to the boss with how it went. I think you need to do this in case she reacts badly after your talk and tries to get revenge or something.
You could tell your boss what's been happening and that say that you'd like to deal with it yourself but wanted them to know beforehand. It doesn't mean that she'll get fired. You could tell the boss that it isn't your intention for her to be disciplined, but you're informing them because you feel they should be aware of it.
Chances are your boss is already aware of this since she's being none too subtle! And It is sexual harassment - no doubt about it.
Have a quiet word with this woman and tell your boss how it went.
I know you don't want her to lose her job but you also want to keep hold of yours. And you're not in the wrong here, she is. And she's old enough to know better.
Good luck, hope it all works out.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (20 August 2012):
I was typing my answer before I saw your follow up.
My advice....do NOT try to explain where you're coming from. All she will understand is whether you're going to give her what she wants or not. If not, she will keep trying to get it and become a bigger pain in the ass.
Direct, brief and unapologetic.
If she were receptive to a 'clear the air' conversation, she wouldn't need one in the first place.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (20 August 2012):
I had a feeling your colleague was an older, overweight woman before you mentioned it. Her behaviour is consistent with someone who either missed out on a wild youth and wasn't part of the 'in crowd' or did and is trying to relive it because she hasn't done anything noteworthy since.
You know that expression 'object of [one's] desire'? Well that is exactly what you are to her. An object. She doesn't see you as a dynamic person, worth impressing and worth getting to know. She doesn't want to woo you. She wants to wear you down.
She doesn't have real friends because she doesn't know how to make or keep them so she bribes others for flattery and attention by offering the only commodity she has - sex. You, being a man, and a young one at that, she's decided you're a shallow, one dimensional, sex starved pig who'll follow whatever tits are jiggling in his face.
Subtle hints only work on those who care enough about others to be on the lookout for them. This colleague requires the direct approach. Very clear, very direct, very brief and totally unapologetic. The nicer you are, the weaker she'll think you, harder she will take it and the more attitude you will get from her. If you act slightly irritated, impatient and don't wait for her to reply, she is more likely to give you your space.
Next time she's pressing her cleavage into your face, making crass jokes or chasing other women away, simply tell to 'knock it off! and resume whatever it was you were doing, or whatever conversation you were having (with someone else). Catching her off guard without giving her a chance to react is the best approach I think. Act like you're the injured party (which you are) and don't give her a chance to apologize or explain.
I know that last bit sounds heartless, but she will use the chance to apologize or explain as a means of worming sympathy, reassurance and flattery from you. It would just be more of them same except then you'd 'owe' her for being so mean.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys for your responses. I didn't want it to go as far as me talking to the manager because I didn't want to put anyone's job on the line. I'll try tslking ot her face to face so that she can understand where I'm coming from.
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A
female
reader, cute angel  +, writes (20 August 2012):
 Oh wow I think she has definitely crossed her line,the whole cleavage bit??ummm you need to stop this right here..
What I think is rather than talking to your friends about it,you should talk to her staright up..
Tell her' I respect you,but the way you have been behaving these days is just over the top,you might have noticed I never reciprocate it,that's because I have never ever seen you in that way,I was just being nice but right now all this is getting to my head and I just need to request you to stop flirting with me,cause your just wasting your time'..
If you don't talk to her straight up this is going to continue for as long as you can remember,which is awful..you'l be losing out on the girls you actually like so be a man,go talk to the woman in a polite way so that she gets the point!!
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (20 August 2012):
 HI
I would tell the manager straight away, this is now sexual harrassment. I don't think your shallow for not taking an interest in plus size women, we all have our own taste in people. However make sure you also keep your opinions to yourself in regards to any future female co-workers, as she may take things the wrong way too if you catch my drift. Never mix work with pleasure, I would strongly advise NEVER to date a co-worker, But I can understand your annoyance with this obviously desperate woman. Don't leave it a minute longer,get to your boss asap.
Mandy x
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (20 August 2012):
 It's got to the point where you need to address this head-on, so you need to speak to her about it and ask her to stop. Tell her you like her as a friend but no more than that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2012): Hey sweetheart i'm a 20 year old girl and I understand the feeling all to well! I am a barmaid and My boss was exactly the same way towards me. He would always introduce me as his little sexy princess to costumers and make me feel extremely uncomfortable. I am 4.9ft and slim and he would always do things like lift me over the bar or try and get me to dance with him whilst I wrapped my legs around him. One time he actually told me if I continue to talk to boys at the bar I will be fired! He is only 30 and is attractive but his behaviour is a complete turn off! I eventually told him that I would like to stay professional In the work place and that I would appreciate it if he wouldn't treat me like a little doll anymore just because of my size. He actually said sorry to me and couldn't have been more embarrassed. He said he didn't realise he was being so forward with his crush. Now we have actually became friends and he has stopped his behaviour. I think the best thing for you to do is just come out and tell her You have no attraction to her what so ever and she is making you dislike being around her. Hopefully this helps hunnie xx there is nothing worse I know xx
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