A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was in a long distance relationship for 1.5 years. Was the hardest relationship i have ever endured. When we first met it was instant attraction and the trust didnt take long. She was up front with me on how she felt but i thought i was being cool not informing her how i truly felt b/c previous relationship ended b/c i did just that.So throughout the relationship we went back and forth to where we live to see each other obviously and we talked for hours everyday. It didnt matter what we talked about b/c conversation always flowed.To get more to the point after seeing her the first time i decided i wanted to better myself and get a better job and possibly look into a career or back to school. So i saved up 3 months of bill money to allow me time off from my current job and look stress free. Well i didnt find work for almost a year and i vented my anger and frustrations on her. I would start a fight for the littlest things and really mistreat her.We talked once about it and the fact that i was a bad boyfriend and showed no affection and never told her how i really felt. A few days after this talk i really thought about me and my actions and made the decision to change and be that guy she was in love with and show her i loved her every day from there on out like i should have.It seemed like it had worked and i was on my way to turning this around. A month later she ended it. Saying i was a mean person to her and she didnt deserve it and she needed space. I gave it to her but when we talk now she says all she gets is angry when she talks to me and tells me there is no second chance possible b/c its hard for her to look past how i was to her.Im willing to do anything to fix this and get her back and show her that i have loved her since the moment i met and her and that she is everything to me. Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks I appreciate the time and answers.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2009): hmm Ok. My generalizations on women aside, yeah I realize you want her back more than anything and want a second chance. I've been there, with my first love. Did I get it? No. I'm just telling you what happened to me. Maybe through some prodigious sequence of luck and events, you will turn this all around. I would be happy for you if you did.
But, she IS holding it over your head right now, and you aren't even together. That's what the anger every time she talks to you is, after a fashion. A grudge. A holdout.. a chip on the proverbial shoulder. She can't let it go right now, if ever.
"I went through a rough time so it wasnt something that i did intentionally or purposefully."
We've all had rough times, some more than others. I stand by my previous statement though. Be careful with those you love, take that lesson with you. And I think its time you owned your actions. Moving on isn't even probable if you continue to paint yourself as this victim that was helpless to circumstances. You made a choice back then, now you have to live with it. And that's it. It sucks. But that's what it is.
Its not healthy to throw all these excuses up, they just slow down the healing process. You should accept your responsibility and forgive yourself. Also, forgive her for whatever transgressions she's done against you (if even applicable). Her forgiving you is NOT necessary for moving on.
You might be saying through all this, "But I want her back! I'm not going to move on!". But in a different relationship I went through, that's exactly when I could have got my ex back. When I had moved on and healed, and was living a healthy life. That's when she started scrounging around my way again. It might seem paradoxical to you, but when you have shown you can live a perfectly happy and productive existence without your ex, That's when she is most likely to try to get back with you.
But do what you do..its obvious you will anyway. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont know if my hurting is not allowing me to agree with you or not but I think the always holding over your head bit goes both ways man or woman. Really just dependant on the situation but its a two-way street in my opinion.
I would love the second chance because i really do love her. I went through a rough time so it wasnt something that i did intentionally or purposefully. If she did hold it over my head it wouldnt be that bad b/c by her always remembering it keeps me to always remember it. Allowing me to not participate in that way to her ever again. Im just too hopeful I guess....
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): "when we talk now she says all she gets is angry when she talks to me"
I have encountered this phenomenon. Whereas we men seem to have the ability to put our past behind us and cope with emotional pain, the vast majority of women in my life did not have this ability..
Running away from, or shutting themselves from the pain and acting like nothing happened is not coping..neither is channeling all of it onto you. Truly coping with emotional pain, is letting go of its potency. Its to forgive...
As to forgiveness... I have not met a women yet that truly forgives, in the technical sense of the word. They might give you a second chance and all that, but they will always remember what you did, how you did it, when you did it, and ect. And they will hold it over your head as a sort of unfair bargaining chip whenever they please. And, use it as a part of their pseudo excuse when they leave you the second time.
Better you start over with a new woman, and take your valuable lesson that once a hurtful act is done, its done. Be careful with those you love. Far better to be mean to some random guy, or whatever, than a loved one.
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