A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm a male virgin who's never kissed a girl and I've never been on a date. I'm don't have a particularly attractive face, I'm overweight and bald, and I'm an awkward quiet nerd.I was recently talking a girl that I was interested in pursuing a relationship with. We had a conversation over some beers and eventually got to sex. She asked what's the craziest thing you've done and I said: "I don't kiss and tell." And she deduced I was a virgin from that and asked if I was. I answered honestly and she laughed in my face. She asked "how is that possible?" and then avoided me after the night ended. I can understand why maybe that would be considered odd and not normal. A guy is supposed to be in control and know what he's doing. I can't be that guy. A male virgin (who's not for religious reasons/choice) is clearly a guy who's not in control and therefore useless. So I have to ask, if women love experienced men, what's a male virgin supposed to do to hit the ground running? Lie about it and just be an awkward awful mess? Pay for it to get the monkey off my back? Would a legal brothel be ideal? I don't have a lot of money so I don't think I could so what other options are there?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2015): I dated an older male virgin (though they wouldn't admit it - it was very obvious to me by they're reaction in bed- not that I was bothered). However I do not date people based on sexual experience. I date based on stuff like- I duno- enjoying their company maybe! A virgin maybe didn't meet the right person etc I would not be bothered by a virgin. I would be somewhat creeped out\put off by someone who had been with prostitutes though. Everything about that would really put me off.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 December 2015):
 That girl just wanted to talk about sex. On the first few dates the conversation topic should not be about sex. If she could deduce that you were a virgin she shouldn't be surprised and ask you how come. She avoided you maybe because there's not much for her to talk about and she is shallow. There are many things to talk about, such as career, family, the news and hobbies. She found the sex topic to be representing of her. So that's all you have to know about her. Good riddance.
If you had said that the craziest thing you have done is to hire a hooker so you are no longer inexperienced, I think that is a turn off when for many women, virginity is not a turn off at all.
The point is not to have experience to attract women but to find a woman who appreciates the qualities you have. For Hollywood actors, I like fat guys like Jonah Hill, Nick Frost and John Candy. You can also find that it's the unattractive ones that have the most successful marriages.
You seem to think so low of yourself that you would accept anyone who would go out on a date with you. You forget that you also can set standards on who you think is suitable for you.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (14 December 2015):
 I can only speak for myself but I have never found an experienced man to be overly attractive. I steered clear of men like that my whole life. So what if they know things? It also means that they have done everything..many of them with EVERYONE. I don't want someone like that.
My husband was a virgin until he was 26, by CHOICE. The only woman he ever had sex with was his wife. When I met him he was 34 and was very sexually inexperienced, even though he had been married before. I found it very refreshing and was so happy that he had not slept with every woman that moved!
You are being far too hard on yourself. Yes, there are women that want experienced men, but not all of them. The girl that you talked to was immature and quite foolish in her ideas.
I agree 100% with Youwish that you lack self confidence in yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a virgin. Its not something that you should wear like a badge of shame! If it comes up in the conversation, you should say with pride "yes, I am a virgin, what of it? I am waiting for someone that I want to give it to, so it can be a memorable and cherished experience". It might sound a little sappy..but its true.
You have got to believe in yourself and who you are. Confidence goes a very long way. A sense of humor can make what you deem an "unattractive" man into a very handsome and stimulating man. I have never went for the good looking bad boys..I like a man who can make me laugh and has some brains. Sell yourself sweetie..and don't sell yourself short! BELIEVE IN YOU.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 December 2015):
 Well, as someone who dated and eventually married a virgin, I think you think less of yourself than you should. I also think that your encounter with this lady turned out the way you were priming it to be, as in, you expected the outcome, you semi-consciously steered it toward that outcome, and when she laughed, you basically capitulated rather than stand up for yourself.
I have many thoughts about your post, so I'm going to number them based off of things you said in it.
1. "I'm don't have a particularly attractive face, I'm overweight and bald, and I'm an awkward quiet nerd."
So, much of this you can change, and the "particularly attractive face"? I've seen WAY too many average looking guys go out with knockout women to know that personality can disarm anyone. Same goes for bald guys. I am personally very attracted to bald guys, and I want to smack any guy who talks about that in a bad light. The weight is no problem for anyone wanting to make a lifestyle and diet change, and the "awkward quiet nerd" part? There are many girls who are the same!
2. "She asked what's the craziest thing you've done and I said: "I don't kiss and tell.""
Yeah, that's the universal "virgin" code, and she laughed because you shrank from that! Had you said "I'm a virgin", and upon her asking how it's possible, your answer could have been something like "I can't stand the casual sex hookup scene" or even "I haven't found the right woman yet" or something along the lines of the fact that you're selective and not desperate. That way, the laugh will stick in her throat that not all guys will screw anything with a hole or are players.
3. "A male virgin (who's not for religious reasons/choice) is clearly a guy who's not in control and therefore useless."
I could count 99 different ways in which that is incorrect. The real truth is that YOU feel as if you're not in control and are useless. And what does sex have to do with control anyways?? Why is the fact that your penis hasn't entered a vagina the basis for your entire self-identity?? Funny - I've talked to girls *IN* the religious environment who found their self-worth IN virginity and felt worthless when they lost theirs, even after they married the guy. The problem is *them*, and the problem is *you*, not your virginity. Stop waiting for some outside event to tell you how much you're worth!
I can't give you advice on what you need to do, except that you maybe should work on your confidence. Sex isn't the only measure of worth! Some guys in your shoes pay for sex and feel fine. Some bitterly regret that the story they tell the woman they finally meet and fall in love with is that they lost their virginity to a prostitute, or worse, that they start a relationship and build it on a lifelong lie about some anonymous girlfriend.
Be honest! Like I said - I dated a virgin. He chose to wait until marriage, which I honored. VERY HARD for me to honor! One of the best thing about virgin guys is that they are really teachable! Any smart girl knows that if they like kissing a certain way, and if the virgin guy is adventurous, you don't have to deal with a guy who's the most efficient about pleasuring HIMSELF and is used to using women as a way to get himself off.
The girl who laughed at you was an idiot, and you need to just go for a woman, not be all awkward around them. Make it clear that you want to date someone, not hang in the friendzone!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2015): i think the person you were talking too assumed at first that you were an experienced sexual male but realised from your sincerity that she was wrong so she was laughing at herself because she had misread you.Possibly she assumed you had a religious background and as she was hanging out in a pick-up joint without a religious morality she realised that she was wrong to further entice you.I don't kiss and tell usually means that you discretely bed a lot of women.You need to redefine yourself through your qualities; not your appearance or sexual expertise.you unnecessarily carry your virginity like a badge of shame when it is not.But before you define yourself sexually you need to think about other aspects of your personality.Are you a kind and caring person?This is usually a quality that is very high on an unattached woman's wish list.Do you hear a person out or do you talk over them.Would you consider a non virgin female as a partner?Would you begrudge their earlier romantic experiences or judge them on them?Are you kind to children and animals?Do you have a violent background or are you a well minded citizen?Do you earn a living?Are you creatively minded either musically or artistically, and do you have any musical likes or dislikes?Did you ever win the lottery and blow it all on fast cars?Most of us didn't by the way.So don't view yourself through such narrow vision.It makes people fearful that you will view them with the same distaste for all the things they're not.And personally if your hair is receding do the brave thing and shave it all off Kojak because some women love a bald guy.
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