A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi I was hoping you could help me with some advice, insight into my situation as Im desperate.I was in a relationship for five years I adored him, it was very passionate but fought a lot too,I was always afraid he would leave me for someone as he had a lot more female friends through work than male.I was worried about one girl in particular and we fought about this, he would call me crazy, psycho paranoid. When we broke up he was going out with work friends without me a lot because he said I would embarrass him with my jealousy so I gave him space to prove I trusted him.Then he broke up with me saying he needed to be single and didnt want to be with anyone for at least a year he wanted to go traveling solo. I was convinced something had happened between them. We tried to stay friends I foolishly thought I could win him back but six months later he admitted he was with that girl but that it only just happened, I do not believe this. It's been over two years since we broke up and I still cant get over this hurt and betrayal. I would never of done anything like that to him and he knows how fragile I was and he did this to me it makes me feel worthless and like I never meant anything to him. I feel like those years were a waste of my time and the memories are tainted I cant even look at the pictures. I have been consumed with anger, hurt, anxiety that everywhere I go that I will bump into them, I havent spoken to him in a year, but know they are still together and happy and he never did go traveling solo, Im still alone and miserable. I have worked on myself a lot the last two years but how can I accept that the love of my life betrayed and broke my heart.How can I forgive them and move on when they're not even sorry. Ive met guys since who are into me but I feel like I will never be able to love again or trust.If this is too long feel free to cut some out before publishing it I wanted to include as much detail as needed. Please dont use my real nameThank you for taking the time to read this I appreciate any advice xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2015): I dont know how to reply to your answers but thank you so much to everyone for taking the time to listen and respond your truly kind and wise you all said some spot on things xx
not sure if the other people who replied will read this but to clarify for
'notsohappy' I typed incorrectly, I meant to say the few months before we broke up he was going out without me with his work friends and I had been suspecting something with that girl already we had argued but i decided to give him his space and stay home to show i trusted him even though deep down i didnt really, I am my own worse enemy because i facebook stalked and found lots of pictures of nights out, in all they were sitting beside each other like a couple when we broke up I asked was it because of her he said no but six months later he was with her, he is the sort that cares what people think of him so i presume he didnt officially get with her till then so as not to look like a dick.
extra details to help everyone see the bigger picture yes i did have insecurities because i have borderline personality disorder and issues from my upbringing but i was a loving loyal kind girlfriend and just because i was insecure doesnt mean i deserved or pushed him to do this, he is responsible for his own actions. we didnt only fight he said the nastiest cruelest things to me, hit me, gave me a burst ear drum once, spat on me, went to choke me. he always put me down so i guess i stayed and put up with it because thats what happens, abusive people tell you no one else would have you and you start to believe them, from the outside i look like a confident strong woman, i even surprised and disappointed myself how i ended up so weak and desperate.
why do i expect them to be sorry? because i was with him for five nearly six years, you are meant to be faithful in a relationship, i was completely loyal to him, she had known he was with me, met me was rude to me while she flirted with him in my face and had no problem seducing a taken man, and he ruined all our precious memories together, he knew my history and knew i would likely self harm and he did it anyway, I dont know how people can behave in such ways and not feel remorse, i could never do it and one of the com-mentors said i am childlike this is so true i dont think anyone has ever analysed me so well (im getting upset thinking about how right you are)i live in a fantasy world expecting too much and get shocked when humans/adults behave so badly when really its not shocking it happens all the time, i thought we had something special no one else had I was a grown woman acting like a teenager when really looking back we had a very nasty destructive relationship and i suppose i should thank her because she took him and freed me I don't think i would ever of left him because i was in denial and whorshiped him. he did say when he broke up with me that he didnt treat me well and he didnt like the person he was with me, but he used to say he would never hit anyone only i made him that mad, so that is just blaming me for his actions which is unfair i think. again to 'notsohappy' your response is quite cruel and could of been written by the other woman or maybe you have cheated why else would you be so quick to condemn me and say they did nothing wrong. I hope your not answering many other people because your not being helpful on further putting hurt people down which they/I dont need anymore of thanks.
also to the people who advised counselling I am waiting to get on a program that is suited to my history and is free because i cannot afford therapy presently.
thanks again to you all, I wish you all the happiness and love in your lives :) 3
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2015): To the anonymous female who started your reply with shiiiiiiiiiiit... wow, just wow, so spot on and helpful and amazing advice. Some of it even helped me and I am out of an abusive relationship for a year and a half now. Take my hat off to you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2015): Shiiiit...Basically,I just had to reply, because not the same thing,but almost the same thing happened to me (I'll give you a bit more details: we didn't fight/actually never fought which also might not have been a good thing). We were also together for nearly 5 years and were about to move in together.A month before...Well,let's just say that some things happened with another girl that he had mentioned (i.e. coming onto him) two months before it happened.So,yes, like you, I just don't buy everything he told me (i.e. for them to be in a relationship now a lot of talking/flirting must have happened before the actual act. that's also cheating in itself). Yes, he is with her now."...he did this to me it makes me feel worthless and like I never meant anything to him. I feel like those years were a waste of my time and the memories are tainted I cant even look at the pictures.I have been consumed with anger, hurt, anxiety that everywhere I go that I will bump into them, I havent spoken to him in a year, but know they are still together and happy and he never did go traveling solo, Im still alone and miserable. I have worked on myself a lot the last two years but how can I accept that the love of my life betrayed and broke my heart."Yup! You've described my feelings to a tee- I just felt that all that time together mattered zilch,zero,nada to him in order for him to be able to do the things he did (and to tell me the things he told me!!). I can't remember anything good either. For me it felt like he threw ashes over all the good memories with his actions, broke my heart and just stomped right upon it.I was in a black hole for a while too-couldn't eat, couldn't sleep etc. etc. because it just hurt too bad and because I considered him not only a bf,but one of the closest friends I had. The betrayal stings!!!But enough about the similarities, let's go on to what I'd do if I were you (and what I did):1) If you find that friends are not enough, talk to a professional (I mean,let's face it, even the best of friends will have enough of your moaning after 6months/a year,but your feelings won't necessarily change in that period of time. Mine haven't and it's a bit disheartening for me to see that yours haven't either in 2 years :/ )2) "How do I forgive and let go?" Don't forgive. just TRULY let go.Everybody was telling me that I need to forgive in order to move on. B*****ks!I found that nearly impossible to do! That's not to say that it is impossible, but like in your case-if they don't feel sorry, then it kinda feels like they don't deserve that forgiveness. Because they are not even repenting for their actions, that's why you find it hard to give that forgiveness.So don't.Also, for ME both respect and forgiveness are EARNED, not just given. I realised that the hard way.But what you should NOT do- keep a space for him in your heart/mind. Or hate him. Or her. Not productive.They seem happy. Ok,so what?Really, SO WHAT? Why are you concentrating on THEIR happiness rather than concentrate on creating YOUR OWN happiness? (helpful tip: they might SEEM happy...but no one knows what goes in a relationship behind closed doors. For all you know, they are putting a united front and are actually miserable. I'd be if I knew deep,deep down that I can't actually trust my partner,because whatever he did with me (i.e. you suspecting something happening between them-sorry, but our intuition is normally right on the money-it most probably did), he can do with another woman down the road of our life journey together... I.e. if it started with a bad foundation...Ok imagine it this way:IF the foundations of a building are rotting,sooner or later that building will collapse.)3) As I already mentioned-really don't look at their building and see how "high" it seems to go. Concentrate on your own! take care of your body (healthy body=healthy mind) and heart!!I repeat: LET IT GO. LET HIM GO.4) And know I'll tell you why it is essential that you do let him go and don't keep any doors in your mind open about you two happily strolling into the sunset:IF he TRULY was the "love of your life", he would have NEVER HURT YOU!!He wouldn't have done ANYTHING to hurt you, because if he truly LOVED you YOUR HAPPINESS would have come before his own.5) Remember the bad things: right them down!! All of them-they'll remind you why it would have never worked out in the first place.6) You mentioned you were "fragile"? Concentrate on making yourself a strong, independent woman. Like goes with like.7) Have you read the "Attractor factor" by Joe Vitale? Some of the stuff in it I don't agree with, but the underling current and what it boils down to: we SUBCONSCIOUSLY attract certain people and certain things in our life because we send out a certain signal.Forgive me if that's a bit forward,but I'll do a mini-analysis as per the book: have you considered the possibility that you attracted this person in your life to show you that you are NOT fragile? That you can't be broken? That HE (or anyone else) will not break you?I mean,it's been 2 years,right? Ok, you haven't found anyone else maybe, BUT you haven't betrayed your morals ,your value system and you've stayed true to yourself!8) I found it difficult to be "intimate" with another man after such a long time with the same guy. I had a barrier in my head that was like:"beep,beep,beep,nope,I don't want another man to see me naked beep beep beep". If you are the same- find coping strategies, don't force yourself to overcome those feelings too early and I'd say-maybe go on long kissing dates? ;) Kissing makes me euphoric and allows me to forget. Don't know if t will work for you,but worked for me ^^9) If you made it this far: BE KIND TO YOURSELF!I think sometimes we can be our own harshest critic. If we haven't reached certain goals by a certain age , we tend to feel like a "failure".Well,DON'T! Does it really matter WHEN you find the true love of your life? For me,it only matters that I do and not when. And you need to believe that you WILL find it in order for it to happen.All the best of luck my dear and many,many hugs!!x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2015): When you say "I was always afraid he would leave me for someone" this suggests two things to me: 1. that your gut instinct was telling you that he was untrustworthy and that ultimately the situation wasn't right but that you didn't/couldn't listen to this feeling because the passion and the fights that you had made for a bit of a rollercoaster ride and you never quite knew where you were, so just listening to your gut was very difficult and very hard to act on. 2. That you were inclined ANYWAY to feel insecure in a relationship AT THAT STAGE IN YOUR LIFE. I'm not saying that this is ALL that you were - you seem to have also been passionate, loving and stable as a person. And I'm not saying this is what ultimately caused the relationship to end. But I AM suggesting that this is a clue to why the relationship even began. I think that you were then/are still now, insecure about yourself as a person - by this I mean that I don't think you had very clear values, goals, aims etc. I'm not saying you don't have them, but that they were and are a bit muddled and a bit 'on a low gas'. This means that you would be attracted to someone passionate and who has confusing values (such as going out without you and blaming you for this) BECAUSE there was no strong set of values coming from you, just a little, frightened voice inside you protesting that this was wrong but being too scared to really object, probably because you feared rejection.I'd really suggest that you look into why you were in this insecure state BEFORE you met this guy. Unless you do that, you won't be able to fully understand how he played into your fears on the one hand BUT through his very confusing behaviour, also made it possible for you to AVOID fully forming and living by standards of your own, one's that would prevent this kind of relationship from ever happening. The situation that you've been left with now is one in which you have no choice but to face up to the adult task of understanding yourself and your values and what YOU WANT - and I mean what you want beyond anxiety about being alone and about being rejected. I mean desire and values and principles that you could put in place if you had full confidence in yourself to go and get them and to find someone who you can share these values with. What you've been doing is staying in 'child' mode, letting someone else make the rules for you and letting someone else fully take advantage of that. If you stay in this child mode you will always see this as a problem to do with someone breaking your trust and will always worry that you won't be able to overcome your fears and will keep looking for someone that you think is trustworthy (ie. that won't hurt you). But it's not really a matter of trust. It's more a matter of you behaving like a grown up and extending ADULT, rather than childlike trust to someone FIRST. It's through expressing adult values and sharing these with someone first that, over time, a more childlike, deeper trust can emerge. You've basically been behaving like a child, expecting someone to not hurt you because, in your head, you are still a child. So when you express shock and incredulity that someone could behave like this, it's from a child's perspective. I'm not saying the child's perspective has to go and you should get rid of it, I'm saying you are prioritising this first and foremost, so that you don't have to act like an adult.The guy in question is just a shit. And your instincts have known this all along and were spot on. So be grateful, really, that you have this ability because many people don't. But realise it was YOU who let this happen to you by neglecting yourself and not acting like an adult - I don't say this in a blaming way to make you feel bad, I say this so that you can see that, all along, you did have a say in what was going on and you chose to speak into the situation by behaving like a frightened child.Go to counselling and get some help with dealing with the insecurities that led you to begin this relationship in the first place. Passion and great sex and the rollercoaster experience of intense pleasure and then fighting and intense pain all, ultimately amount to a massive distraction from the adult business of getting on with life in a stable and differently passionate way. It's like saying to the world "I'm just going to go down this amazing, alternative pathway because I can't handle the world as it is because it seems dull, scary and limiting and i want more". It will only work for a while. And ultimately it can make it harder to step back into the real world and live an enjoyable adult life where some of that passion remains but gets incorporated into a functional living, with yourself first and then with someone else.As to the girl he's with - well, maybe something longer term will work out between them or maybe not. Sometimes relationships that start off with a shitty man can 'work out' depending on how much they click together and are able to develop over time. This is the hard reality that hurts when we realise it wasn't us who was able to change the shitty person. One can feel inadequate and powerless as a woman, thinking that things could work out between the shitty guy and someone else. There is some sense in which he was able to get away with being more of a shit because you didn't call him out on it - you couldn't because you hadn't sorted out yourself enough - someone else with more confidence would have just left when he said he wanted to go out alone without you. So his shittyness in your relationship is partly because you didn't stand up for yourself enough. On the other hand, it HAS to be there in someone in order to be brought out by someone else. So he will always have the ability to treat people shittily, one way or another, it will never really leave.Be glad that you are out of this situation with him and that he did end it. At least he had the balls to do that. Other, nastier men simply keep stringing a woman along for years and years and years sometimes with the woman never able to find it in her to walk away. Had he not ended things, I suspect you would have become addicted to him and the rollercoaster situation you two got into together, because I don't think you would have found the guts to walk away and grow up.I may sound harsh to you right now. If you act on the things I'm saying and go to counselling to figure out how you attracted and stayed with this loser, then it will unlock a lot of insight that can equip you for a happier future.
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A
female
reader, Delphi  +, writes (11 February 2015):
We women have instincts that are really good.It is good that you picked up on their chemistry. Now where you went wrong is that you couldn't trust him.Without trust there is no love.If you cannot trust a person,you do not love them.It IS as simple as that. The important thing to remember here is that you guys have broken up.He owes you nothing,no explanations whatsoever.What he does with his life is his business. Maybe he cheated on you.Maybe he is never going to accept it.Does it matter?.Thinking about it is going to make you miserable.Life is meant to be happy.So not worth it.I have seen people who are consumed by their past,they fail to look at the beautiful present.It is called present for a reason. Stop thinking.Write all your feelings on a paper,take his picture,tear it into pieces and flush it down the toilet.Imagine you are flushing the bitterness,pain and anger too.Do this till you get closure.One fine day,you will realize there is nothing to flush anymore. He was the love of your life.You were not.As we basketball players like to call it,"Where is the Defense?".Where is the healthy self esteem?Show some pride.Do not waste one more moment on this guy. Start volunteering at children's hospitals.There are 3 year olds undergoing chemo that will make you realize all the drama that happened is pointless and there are lot more people to worry about in life.The smile on their faces when you help them will be worth it.Start living...
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