A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well, I posted a question yesterday, but I didn't give many details, so I shall give them now.Three and a half years ago, my boyfriend and I started dating. We were both 17 then and we had been each others firsts. We've always been happy together and have never really had any big fights. Well, after about a year of being together, I noticed him acting a little weird when he was on the computer and once when he was scrolling down a LONG message from a friend of his (a girl), I THOUGHT I saw the word 'handcuffs'...so I got curious and checked his messages on his myspace. What I found was horrible...he had described in detail what he wanted to do to his friend. He said to someone else that I wasn't fun in bed (which is ridiculous cause I want to do more than he does =K) and he wanted to do her cause she seemed fun. I asked him about these and we've talked a lot about it. Unfortunately, I forwarded the messages to my myspace and it's extremely hard to delete them. Every now and then I go back and read them and it just gets me upset and he can tell.Also on his computer, I found pictures he had taken of his erected penis. He told me he was going to send them to me on my phone but he couldn't figure it out. But what doesn't make sense is he took multiple pictures at different times and he deleted them. Also, some were taken when I was in our room waiting for him to get off the computer while he was in our living room. What do you think that was about?Well, after a year of nothing else, I found out I was pregnant in October of 2009. He was unhappy at first, but then he started getting excited! But then one day in February, I was on his computer since I didn't have one of my own and was looking at the pictures on his computer. I saw some on there of random girls, which I was confused about. I looked in the history of the computer and saw he had been accessing his e-mail (which he NEVER did before). So I (unfortunately) changed his password so I could get on there and see what he was doing. I thought he was just e-mailing some sluts, but it was worse. I saw he had made some posts on craigslist looking for "Fun in the car" and other stuff on Tuesdays when I wasn't home and he was home by himself. Sadly, one of the days he made a posting was on Valentine's Day. I was devastated and called his friend over so I could get some advice from him...because even though he has hurt me in a few ways, I didn't wanna leave him...especially since I was pregnant. His friend helped me think and I decided to talk to him that night. I started it by asking him something like "You'd never hurt me, would you?" and he said that he's done some bad stuff, but he'd never hurt me again. I asked him if he meant the stuff with his friend I found on myspace, and he said yeah and other stuff. So I asked if it was craigslist stuff and he said yes. We both started crying and we talked that night. It was extremely hard. Since then, he hasn't done anything, but I still get paranoid. Any time I've seen that chick friend of his, I get upset. Any time he says some chick is hot (celebrity or not), I get upset. I HATE being like this and I'm trying to forgive him. He answers any questions I ask him about what he did and he's even told me that he thinks about it every day and he hates himself for it. I don't want him to beat himself up, but then again I do, since he hurt me bad, ya know? But I do wanna forgive him, and I've been trying, but it's hard. I don't know what to do to forgive him or how to even start forgiving him. So my question is, what's your advice? How can I start on the path of forgiveness? I don't want to break up with him, so please don't suggest that.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 February 2011):
 It takes time to forgive someone, what he has done to you now will make you paranoid for a while until you can learn how to trust him again. He needs to know exactly how he has made you feel, dont try and cover it up. Also dont let him think he is off the hook explain to him that he needs to work very hard as well in order for you to gain your trust back.
I guess for you to forgive him you need to tell yourself that nobody is perfect and that we all make mistakes in life that we later on regret. Therefore if he is regretting it and he knows how badly he has made you feel hopefully this will be enough for him to realise that he will lose you if he ever does it to you again.
Also I think you both need to sit down and discuss it properly in order for you to get some closure. You both need to discuss where you go from here and also what needs to change in order for the relationship to work. He also needs to take time to explain to you why he done it, he needs to tell you exactly his reasons and dont let him off the hook until he has explained it enough for you to accept it. I guess the key really is to fully understand why he done it and to accept that it is done now and the only way is forward.
Councelling can also be a good way for the both of you to come to terms with things and also to get to the root cause of why he done this and he needs to learn to accept that he cannot do it again. Therefore if things dont improve I suggest going to couple councelling. If he loves you he will do it for you to get closure.
Everyone makes mistakes and am sure you are feeling hurt and angry while he is feeling guilty and annoyed at himself, this is a lot of emotions to have in a relationship therefore you really need to work as a team to get to the root cause of why he done this and work from there. Time is a natural healer. Goodluck Sweetie.
A
male
reader, 1000lies1000sorrys +, writes (13 February 2011):
 Reading this brings back some bad memories. i had the same thing happen to me but not the whole story was the same. the thing was she never loved me. i was so angry i nailed my best friend, breaking his cheek bone. Regarding your answer id say don't forgive him. it could get even worse.
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A
female
reader, sharlou17  +, writes (13 February 2011):
 Hi there...And wow, I'm so sorry your going through such a tough time at the moment...All I can give you is my take on this and my point of view. Don't worry, I'm not going to suggest you break up with him as I know the way your feeling right now that option isn't possible for you...I myself have a love/hate relationship with the net...it can cause so so much trouble in a relationship (as I know myself)...So many guys I know of can become addicted to it...And live their fantasies through it...if you know what I mean?...I think what happens is this...(with some anyway)...When a guy gets a little bored and needs a distraction the net and various 'social' sites are very appealing...they can be fake and someone else over it...that's coming to what I mean about 'fantasy'...It's a good sign though that he admits all of the things he has done over it though...But that doesnt mean he is 'let off'...he might think if he keeps on admitting it you will somehow excuse him...I don't know...but please make sure he fully UNDERSTANDS how this is making you feel...he needs to be aware of this so much...And the forgiveness thing will hopefully come in time....and that also depends on his behaviour...if he stops the things he has been doing and doesn't let a bit of time go by and starts it all up again...All you can do is keep talking and making each other aware of how you feel...I hope this helps you a bit...I wish you strength and good luck...
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