A
male
age
51-59,
*omansoldier
writes:How can I trust my wife again?We have been married 10 years and we have 3 young children. I thought we have been very happily married with no major problems, but got the shock of my life last week when I found some very inappropriate text messages between my wife and a man who is her dad's cousin and also our daughter's god father. My wife has been very close to this man in the last couple of years and I didnt think twice about it as I believed it was for the charity work they did in the village and the fact they are related. The man is a well to do farmer, and has on a couple of occasions taken my wife shooting and fishing to Scotland. All the time she said there was a group of about 10 of them. However, now I am not sure if they slept in different rooms at all, and I cant prove it. I am at my wits end, and in the last half year our sex life has been going downhill. We are both in our early 40's and I am very sexually active, but my wife occasionally complains she is too tired to have sex. We had a very heated argument about these text messages, with my wife swearing they were totally only messing about as she wouldn't have sex with him. He later sent me a text apologising and promising they would never be sent again. My worry is that I know they still text each other, although she shows me some, which she claims 99% of them have been like - totally innocent. She now keeps her mobile very close to her at all times. I am almost thinking of employing a private eye, I am that worried, I want to know the truth and I don't know if they did sleep together or not. I know the man is having serious problems with his own wife, and apparently haven't slept together for some years. They have been married 30 yrs. How can I find out the truth without losing my mind and tearing my young family apart?
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male
reader, romansoldier +, writes (28 May 2009):
romansoldier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, and once again thanks for your replies. My saga is ongoing am afraid! The latest update is that after some more talking and rows, the wife has now said she wishes to work on the marriage, and thats after I had gone as far as seeing a solicitor to start divorce proceedings. Another thing is that the other man has finally come clean to his wife and admitted the affair. I am left wondering if my wife has changed her tact because the guy's wife wont leave him or she genuinely wants to work on things. We are still in the talking stage, and she still insists she is not interested in sex but realises that I cant live in a sexless marriage, so am waiting to hear what compromise she has to that. In the meantime, she is still taking her pills, and the last time we had any sex was almost 2 months ago! Sometimes I really feel like ending the whole thing, but then I think about my 3 young kids growing up in 2 separate homes etc, and I really dont want that. I dont know what to do, as the pain is so strong, we are virtually living like distant friends, not husband and wife, with no intimacy, no goodnight kisses and hardly any contact during the day from work. I have come to almost accept in my mind that a divorce would be the answer, yet I know the fact that I am about to sit an exam for a new job, and all the upheaval would be terrible on all of us. Should I give it a try, and how long? I still dont trust my wife fully, she said her affair was like a drug, and she is weaning the guy off, yet I caught her texting secretly only last night because when I walked into the room she hid the phone! I am hurting and confused!
A
male
reader, romansoldier +, writes (14 April 2009):
romansoldier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello guys, latest update on my situation. We have had some heated arguments relating to my wife's infidelity, and I have on several occasions urged counselling, to no avail. She wont even consider it, saying the counsellors make matters worse, etc. Anyway, the situation has got even worse, sex is almost completely gone now, she claims she has some sort of psychological problem, but when I mention going to see a doctor, she wont have it, saying its embarrassing! She claims she is "off sex", whether with me or the other man, but I notice she is still taking her pills. Anyway, on Easter Sunday, we sat down and had a chat, and she now wants a trial separation. I asked her if she is convinced we have exhausted other avenues in trying to resolve issues, but she is happy with this, that time apart may do both of us good. I am, however, of the thinking that she really does not really want to get back together, if there is a time after the separation. It is hurting me terribly as we have 3 young children to consider, and we haven't yet decided the logistics of the separation. How do I handle this, I do still love my wife, but I am beginning to think her love for me has eroded to a great extent. She has all her family to inform (my family are all 200 miles away in London), and doesn't seem worried about that, which makes me think she is ready for anything. I also believe she will move in to a recently purchased property of the man she has been having an affair with. I feel like the life I have known for 10 years in marriage and 5 before that with her is falling apart, and is making me extremely sad. I am finding it hard to cope with right now, and not sure where to turn. My mother-in-law seems to have a clue that something is not right, but my wife hasnt told her yet (we are actually going to discuss that tonight, what and who to tell!!!). What do I do, or is there anything I can do? Ideally I would like to save my marriage, but I suppose that depends on my wife too.
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A
male
reader, romansoldier +, writes (6 February 2009):
romansoldier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all, and again thanks for all your replies. Its been some time, but now the whole affair has been exposed and my wife and the guy in question have been speaking and texting to me and trying to offer some explanations etc. The problem I am uncomfortable with right now, and we have had some furious rows with my wife, just last night I confronted her with further evidence that she has still kept some sort of contact with the guy. She came out and said she doesnt really want to cut him off completely from her life and that she find it very hard as they have some emotional bond, yet she says she doesnt want to hurt me any more. I find this hard to comprehend. I told her last night that she has to make a decision, its me or him, coz I cant take this hurt any more. I am beginning to get affected, I cant do my work properly or even eat! A mutual friend says I should start to start thinking of myself and I am worried about the kids too. I have been to see 2 solicitors already for some advice. I do really love my wife, and she claims she still loves me too, but I dont know what to do now. I reached a point of conclusion that I may be ready to let her go if she wants to. She cried a lot last night saying she knows she has hurt me and feels very guilty, but is struggling because of the emotional bond she has with the other man. We ended the night agreeing to give it our best shot at saving the marriage. What should I do?
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A
male
reader, romansoldier +, writes (9 January 2009):
romansoldier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, and thanks for your responses. The situation at the moment is, to say the least, hectic. I did take drastic and uncomfortable steps, and did prove my fears right. Basically I had her followed and got evidence. I confronted her with those last night and she admitted, but couldnt give me reasons or answers as to why they happened. The problem is that I do love my wife and when I threw the ball onto her court, she says she wants to fix the situation and still loves me too. I feel so hurt right now, I even went to see a solicitor about the whole thing. What do I do now? I am trying to contact the man, coz I thing he has to pay too. The shock of the whole mess is too much to handle, and my wife agrees exposure (at the moment, only the 3 of us know anything, apart from the guys who followed them) of the affair will be damaging to all concerned. I also found out its been going on for about a year. I am sure if it wasnt for the kids, I would not think twice about exposing and throwing her out. What should I do now?
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A
male
reader, romansoldier +, writes (4 January 2009):
romansoldier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys, thank you very much for your replies. Since the last time, I have started seeing pieces of evidence that my wife is still in contact with this gentleman, and even though she erases all texts from him, I have seen contact list on her phone, and his name has been there. Two days ago I found some christmas, anniversary and love cards from the guy, wel hidden by her in her drawers. I dont know whether to confront her with these or bide my time and really catch them in the act. Just this morning, (Sunday), she as usual said she was going to Church, left at half 10 and came back after 1pm, via Sainsburys. I suspected something but didnt say anything, and when she left her phone unattended once, I saw hi text at 10.45 with one line - "on way". I dont know how long I can keep this down, its getting pretty unbearable. What should I do???
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): Sex life can be kind of a measuring stick for these things. Your sex life might not need to always be at its peak or anything just for your marriage to be okay, people have ups and downs. But if it has gone sharply downhill at about the same time as all this other stuff, then I think that is a sign that she's having a sexual affair. Or at least she's having an emotional affair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): I think it's better to trust your wife. If you found out they had slept together what would it achieve? If you would stay either way (which it sounds as though you may) I would focus more on trying to make her remember why she loves you. Women generally cheat when they feel they're not getting the love and support they need at home. If they feel lonely, neglected, ignored, unattrative....
Trust that they have not slept together and try and make your relationship so good she would never consider cheating anyway.
Good luck
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