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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I've been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. As with most relationships, it was absolutely PERFECT in the beginning. Then we found some astoundishing incompatibilities between us which caused problems with jealousy and trust. But we fought to make it work. We're still together, although we've argued so much, and it's been such a dramatic, yet passionate relationship.The problem is I have a tendency to depression, I think I've been like this my whole life but it wasn't until 3 years ago that I actually discovered it. I got diagnosed. I felt indifferent and pathetic towards everything, including life. Nothing filled me with joy, not even my pastimes. Nothing seemed interesting or exciting enough, including him. I felt like I had fallen out of love with him.Now, lately, I've been having that sensation of not loving him again. I don't know what to do, I don't want to stop loving him. He has so much in common with me, he's hot, etc. Sometimes, I just feel like I never want to be in a relationship again. I don't know why. I even lost my sex drive completely (this isn't related to him though, since I don't even masturbate nor feel the need to fantasize). I don't know, the relationship has been tough but I don't want to lose him. However, in general, I don't feel happy. I don't know what to do, but lately I don't miss him much if I don't see him on a certain day, etc. I don't feel much like doing romantic things. It's been tough, I've done many sacrifices for him, and maybe so much arguing has worn me out. But the top thing I don't want to do is stop loving him and losing him.Sometimes though, I feel like being on my own for a long period, I don't know how long, it could be forever, and just do different things, like travelling. Maybe it has to do with me feeling, in general, that life is so dull and predictable and I just want some excitement. I'm about to graduate and start working, so maybe I'm scared of settling down? But just having to settle down and getting a job, having kids and paying the mortgage just doesn't seem exciting or like a definition of happiness. He tells me he loves me and wants us to get married as soon as I graduate and start building our life. A couple months ago it would've sounded great to me and I'd been a bit happy, if not totally excited because I think I still haven't totally recovered from the depression as I never felt like I was completely myself after it. This is so confusing as I can't even describe how I0m feeling. All I know is I don't want to stop loving him. What can I do? How can I be happy again? How can I heal my soul, etc? I'm completely desperate.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 April 2010):
 Great answer, Miamine! What she said.
So what have you done to treat this diagnosed depression? It just doesn't go away without some kind of effort--treatment, therapy, medication.
Part of the problem with depression is that the same brain (and body) that is so severely affected by it is also the thing that controls what that brain and body do to fix it. It sounds to me that despite the diagnosis you haven't made any steps to treat it it yet. If you had, you'd be further along on your path to recovery.
Please don't be put off by people who say drugs don't work. They do, for many people, like me. They can turn your life around and get you back on track. I acknowledge it doesn't work for everyone, but why not at least try?
Go get help, then report back on what you've decided to do.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (10 April 2010):
 Yep, you show all the symptoms of serious depression. When your depressed, you are sick and you are not thinking straight. Please go and see your doctor as soon as you can. What you describe sounds like clinical depression (I have it) and it can not be cured by just trying to tell yourself to feel good. You've got everything going for you, your young, you have a boyfriend you love, you have plans for your future... But it still dosen't make you happy, you don't care, it's like someone turned out the lights and everything has gone black.
Depression can be treated, but you need to go see a doctor. Untreated depression can get worse, so go and see someone as soon as you can.
You've done nothing wrong. Your not thinking straight. Your brain has gone funny because of a chemical imbalance. You need medicine, or you need techniques to rebalance this bad feeling you are having.
"Shoot the Damn Dog" By Sally Brompton is one of the best books I ever read, it explains exactly what depression is and what it feels like. (note, her depression is bad, and it can't be treated, but she is one of the rare ones)
Depression is a sickness a disease, same as broken leg or diabetes, but this time you've got a broken head and it's hard for people to see.. Depression is life threatening, if your mood stays negative for too long, you may become suicidal.. :)
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (10 April 2010):
 I am speaking from experience when I say that just because you want to love someone, or because you DO love someone doesn't mean that you are meant to be with that person. A good indicator of whether you should be with someone or not is your overall attitude. Are you, for the most part, happy being with this person? Or is being with this person causing you stress and unhappiness. Or worse: is being with this person preventing you to find peace in your life.
You say you've been with this guy for three whole years, and judging by your age range, I'm assuming that he is/was your first serious relationship. It's really hard to justify leaving or taking a break from your first. I was in love (and still do love) with my ex for two years. He was my first, but I found myself becoming deeply depressed. We had trust/jealousy issues, and even though we really did love each other, we were at very different points in our lives. Also, we had different priorities, and I also think we had different definitions of what love was. He was talking about moving in together and eventually getting married, but something inside me didn't settle well with the idea. I wasn't ready. And the issues we did have in spite of these talks would only get worse with further commitment. I really feel for you.
One of the hardest decisions I made in my life was breaking up with my ex. He was one of those guys who said that once he breaks up with someone, he can never take them back. Maybe your guy will be able to take a break and allow you to find yourself again. But I personally know that you can never be happy with someone else as long as you aren't happy with yourself, and it doesn't sound you are at peace with yourself, or maybe you haven't had the appropriate amount of time to find out who you are and what you want. Only then can you give yourself completely to someone. I think that after three years of depression, the factor isn't him, it's you. And you need to be on your own for a while to heal yourself. That's what I'm doing right now, and I am attempting to get over the guy I was with. I made the decision that fixing myself and finding personal independence was more important than his wishes and restrictions. If he really cared for me anyway, he would have allowed me space instead of stating that he would never take me back if I needed a break.
So I hope everything gets better soon. And really think about things before you make any quick decisions. This is your life and your happiness, so do what you feel deep down would be best. Best of luck to you, and believe me: you're not alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2010): I think you should seek professional counseling. Your depression could be the main problem. You might be suffering from committment issues as well. You may want the distance to prevent from getting closer than you already are to your bf. Keep the communication open and share with him your thoughts and feelings.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, cnith +, writes (9 April 2010):
 Have you been to therapy for this?
I think depression is as bad as you want it to be. You can let it overtake you or you can move on.
I've been told I'm depressed for several years. I don't really have the time to for it. All I know is I'm always tired but I push on.
I get my moments but I don't wallow in it. I move on. I have to. I have a child so I need to be there for her. Once you're a parent, you cease to be you, out only for you. They didn't ask to come here, so it's your duty as a parent to put them before you. ie. their needs before your own. You don't have kids yet, so what I'm saying doesn't matter right now, however, should you have kids soon, keep it in mind and you too won't have time for depression.
They tried to give me drugs, doesn't work. I've been to therapy, counselors, doctors. No one can help me. I've just accepted that something's off and move on.
Whatever is going on right now, talk to your bf about it because after you get married he'll have to be there with you as you go through, whatever this is. Don't spring this on him, that's not fair.
If you're scared of commitment and using depression as your excuse, that's different. Nonetheless, you still need to talk to him. Maybe you two DO need a break. Maybe you need to go your separate ways. You guys need to talk, it's that simple.
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