A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyoneSo heres my situation...I was born with a birth defect of my hands where a few of my fingers are shorter and honestly I'm comfortable enough with myself where I can admit it's weird and not a turn on for girls...it's gotten me denied by girls more times than I like to admit. The thing is im a true gentleman and I treat girls like princesses when we date it's just really hard getting from talking to dating cause they don't understand my situation. it's really hard to explain everything... when I say I'm on disability and have a birth defect they automatically rule me out. I'd really just like to hear some feedback on how to explain things better to them. There's probably no real answer out thrre to give and I'm not 100% sure what I'm looking for, anything is better than nothing Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 November 2013):
 "where do you work" 'i'm not working I'm in school right now but I'm planning to work in the criminal justice field"
as for your "disability", I'm friends with a guy who has a similar "disability" we are gamers so we are putting our hands in front of everyone all the time. Both of his hands are "abnormal" he has thumbs but only 2-3 fingers on each hand... (note that I have never looked hard enough to really know for sure what the makeup is) AND no one cares.. no one says anything and he wears his wedding band on his left hand just like normally handed folks...
I'm disabled... I have ADHD, (truly my biggest problem) I am blind in one eye and as I've aged my back has deteriorated to the point that I often need assistance to rise up out of a chair. I get being different.
And yeah it's much harder when you are younger... folks have not yet mastered the fine art of NOT staring... and not judging... this will come in time.
OH and if smoking pot calms you, go see your doctor and discuss the potential of some anti-anxiety meds for things like dates and new situations...
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 November 2013):
 Just say you don't have a job right now because you're focusing on your education.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2013): Ok, hope you take this advise.
1. You do not need to tell anyone how you make money. It is no ones business- you are in school and the rest is private information.
2. I too have a disability ( injured at work and being discriminated by employers). Let this be a lesson or you that you need a career where you are independent and not reliant on a company to hire you. Your doing a degree in criminal justice- great- head to a great law school after your degree is done & work for yourself or a law firm. I'm telling you this right now- it's VERY important for your future.
3. Don't smoke pot, it. Makes you dumber.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers
To explain better about me on disability...I'm in college working on getting a degree in Criminal Justice, but the part time jobs around here refuse to hire me(yes, I know, it's discrimination but there's no way to prove it) so I've been forced to resort to living off the government until I get my degree and can start my career. But one of the first things a girl is ask where I work and "I don't work" seems to be girl repellent. but you guys brought up the same mutual answer, I just need to relax about it. it's just really hard being 21 and seeming like I'm impossible to date. Honestly I probably need to start smoking pot again haha, just kidding. Thanks for your answers...
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 November 2013):
At your age, girls aren't looking for Mr Right. They are looking for "what they think" is an adult...usually leading into guys who are a couple years older, and have a lot of confidence in themselves. These guys can be assholes or good guys, but they definitely share those traits.
My advice will be strange but hear me out for a bit. I think you might be focusing on the defect too much. If you are comfortable with your defect, then you shouldn't even bring it up in conversation. In fact you should leave it to the lady to ask and even then you don't have to give a clear answer (something more like, "I will tell you when the time is right"). Mystery is attractive and if a girl really does like you, she will look beyond a simple thing. All the explanations you give isn't going to make you more attractive, but instead you may seem desperate and needy for someone to understand you. So I think you need to relax more, and reanalyze the girls you talk to. Instead of worrying about your defense you should look at your offense.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 November 2013):
 As I began reading your submittal, I started answering to you: "What kind... and how shallow.... of a girl would discard you as a prospect because you have some fingers that are not as long as "typical" (fingers)"....
Then, when I read, later, that, "when I say I'm on disability...." my alarm went off..... and lead me to THIS question: Does the deformity of your fingers prevent you from having gainful employment?
Unless the answer to that is: "Yes, I want to have a career as a concert pianist... and the shorter fingers thing prevents that...." then the issue (you have) is REALLY that you are on disability....... and some women (many of 'em?) find that to be an unacceptable trait in a partner...
What say?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 November 2013):
I would just wait until you get asked about it or notice staring before bringing it up and when you do bring it up, just say "born with it" rather than "defect" and leave out the disability until part until later.
At the beginning just act normally. Don't sit there worrying "when is she going to ask about my hands" just go on a date and talk about your favorite foods and stuff. If you can bluff your way into basically making it totally normal, most girls will buy it.
Clearly if you can actually get them to go on a date, it's not driving everyone away, it's something about the way you are talking about it and bringing attention to it. So don't! Just pretend it's not there until SHE brings it up, and then downplay it. It's not fair or right, but most people when they hear you receive disability money hear that you will never work, have no ambitions, and are housebound. Even if you try to explain otherwise, that is what will stick. So don't bring it up so early!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): There are a lot of comments we can make to give you encouragement; but there isn't any real answer to your question. We can offer some helpful suggestions.
I do want to suggest that you just relax and not treat girls like "princesses." Being "too nice" is trying too hard. Your birth defect may not be the total problem; your own fear they might not like you; or self-consciousness might make them feel awkward. They might feel guilty if they don't like you the way you want them to; so they don't bother to even try to get to know you better.
Not seeing the defect doesn't really lend us a visual to fully get the point; but I can pretty much guess that girls in their teens(and older) find a lot of things gross and eery about guys anyway.
I would be inclined to just say if you ignore your defect; attention wouldn't be so drawn to it. You don't have to explain the obvious. Anyone too dumb to realize you were born that way, just fell off a turnip truck. If they don't ask, don't bring it up.
You are who you are, and you can't spend your whole life trying to ease people's ignorance's, discomforts, and prejudices about things that are natural. Some girls are just plain stupid; and all the explanations in the world isn't going to make them accept what they see and feel uneasy about. That comes as they grow used to you; and realize the young man, not just his body parts.
If girls tend to stare at your hands, point at your eyes and simply say, "my eyes are up here!" Then just relax and be yourself. Only go out of your way, when you find that one special girl you like who doesn't see anything; but how sweet of a guy you are, and doesn't need to see your medical chart.
Women tend to see past the surface better than we men do. After all, they know better than us guys, what it feels like to be body-conscious. Men often make them feel that way.
Each of us have a few unusual traits or characteristics that won't always go unnoticed.
Some are visible, some aren't. Confidence, decency, and strong character get us over a lot of hurdles, when it comes to attracting people.
You have to be comfortable in your own skin. If they can't deal with it, you just continue getting to know girls until you hit the jackpot. Physical defects and disabilities don't stop people from finding people who are attracted to them. Just ask war vets and victims of accidents who weren't born that way, and had to adapt to it. Life goes on. Everyone gets rejected. Even supermodels.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 November 2013):
 I think maybe you need to explain your situation better to us before we can give good advice.
Can you explain what "on disability" means? From what I can tell, it is you being on disability (not working I presume?) that is a turn off. While many will not mind a man who is incapable of working, as long as he has enough to support himself, it isn't exactly something that makes a good impression and makes women swoon. It's not a "wow"-factor. It's not something to be admired, it's not impressive. Even if it's not a turn off it's not a turn on. Know what I mean?
My father has been unemployed for as long as I've existed, he's just had stray jobs in brief periods. He's also drowning in debt, which he's getting rid of now. And during the period of losing the debt, he hasn't worked either, and that's some 6+ years now. But that never interfered with his luck with women, and you can top it off with him having bipolar personality disorder, so his mood swings and he's all over the place (doesn't take medication).
I'm thinking the number one reason he still had success with women (and those in the same position as him), is because he takes a lot of pride in himself, and doesn't see not working as a negative thing at all. He prides himself with not belonging to the conformity of society. As do all artists, musicians etc who live lives outside of the norm. They are usually extremely attractive to women, because they are passionate and dedicated, and take a whole lot of pride in themselves.
If you find your disability, your birth defect, to be a problem, then so will all women you date. You speak of explaining this to them, almost excusing yourself. You sound so humble and weak when you talk about it. You're not proud, if you were you'd not feel a need to explain anything. You'd say "This is how I am, deal with it or walk away".
So, without knowing really anything about your situation (I hope you come back and explain better) I will say that you SHOULD NOT explain yourself to women. At all. If they see your birth defect and ask about it, tell them. If not, don't say anything at all. You don't owe anyone an explanation for being who you are and how you are. As for you being on disability, you don't owe anyone an explanation on that either. You can say that you are on disability, but you don't need to explain. I don't see why you would explain, it is personal, it is none of their business.
My father hasn't worked and he's a VERY private person, there is no chance he'd go around explaining his situation to anyone. He's barely told me about being diagnosed bipolar, an diagnosis he doesn't agree with even. He's not going around telling people about that diagnosis! He fears the stigma, among other things. But he's without a job, and hasn't had on for many many years. I'm guessing, if people ask, that he doesn't even mention it. I'm thinking he just tells them it's none of their business and starts talking about his passion instead, which is his art.
Now, my dad can be very rude, and takes way too much pride in himself, and completely lacks perspective and humility. But you could do good with a dose of his self righteousness. It'd make you more balanced, because you need to take more pride in yourself and develop an attitude that tells everyone who has a problem with it to piss off. People respect that a lot more than some weak explanation that implies asking for forgiveness for being born the way you are.
Sorry if I got it all wrong, do come back with more information if this was way off.
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