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writes: Hello about 2 weeks ago I wrote about my husband going away for training and me not being able to trust him. For reasons like him texting a escort. But when he came home I felt I should let go and maybe try to trust him. But then 2 days later I looked on his game and he had messaged a girl telling her she is sexy and wanted her to send pictures. I haven't told him I know anything. (yet?) my problem is how much can I take? I love him so much. But how can I ever trust him? He makes me feel like I'm just not enough. I don't know why I give him whatever he wants. what should I do?
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male
reader, Harold154  +, writes (20 November 2016):
If your sons teacher called and told you that he caught your son cheating on a test would you bake your son a cake, make his favorite dinner and give him fifty dollars?
I would hope not but that's what you are doing for your husband when you give in to him if there's no consequences the behavior will continue and possibly get worse!
Like someone else said on here YOU ARE NOT A DOORMAT!
You deserve better than that.
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female
reader, Madeliene +, writes (11 November 2016):
I am women have a lot of things I want my husband to do tomake me feel sexy and hot like taking me in a romantic getaway and being like Rhett Butler and Cary Grant James bond etc but Brownwolf do u really think my hisband will jump through all the hoops???? But you want us to jump through hoops to keep the male interested. Do you really think that just because we gain weight we are not attractive beleive me there are men out there who find us desirable only we remain loyal unlike men who like animals will pig it out with anyone anywhere as long as they are titillated. For you female reader :Divorce is a very big decision think a hundred times and logically about finance childrens future and your responsiblities. Give your husband equal sharing in their rearing and responsibilty where money is concerned. But think hard. No relation survices without trust and distrust eats at any relationship alternatively dance on his tunes like brownwolf suggested and see if anything changes for the permanent!!! Who knows miracles happen i personally believe once a cheat always a cheat
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2016): Hello Brownwolf, I appriciate your reply. I'm not sure I totally agree with it. My husband gets sex when he wants it. When we met I had 3 kids. So I feel I have always been sexy to him and hopefully still am. I have told him many other times how Jim flirting with girls on his game make me feel. He completely disregards my feelings.
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (8 November 2016):
My dear...Divorce is always the easy the way out. Divorce is control by anger....and any decisions made in anger is NEVER a good one. Sticking around and fighting for what is yours...much harder.
Men and women do exactly what your husband is doing. The difference...women are more emotionally attached to the man, and therefore, less likely to cheat first. Men are more emotionally attached to their own hormones. Therefore...are easily distracted by sexual excitement.
In a relationship, things become routine, boring, and blah. Happens to many of us...including myself. Women are a man's greatest pleasure and source of excitement...however, lots of women forget that, or simply do not see themselves as such. You may gain weight, have kids, work, and housekeeping. These things distract you from being the sexy women that you are inside. We men notice, and soon begin to loose interest, since it seems you lost interest. Then the longing for that exciting woman returns...we look at you, and you have no interest in sexy, due your distractions. Is it bad?? Of course not...you keep everything going.
Men in most cases do not see all that you do. He is driven by hormones, not emotions. We need excitement and entertainment. Why do you think they have strip clubs? Do you think it's just for the perverted men? WRONG!! It's for the men who wish their wives would show that much interest in turning them on...The issue... These stripper women don't normally have kids, a house to look after, a 9 to 5 job, daycare, pick ups and drop offs, sporting events with the kids, and the list goes on. Most husbands see that you are busy with everything but not him.
Take a look back in the years before the invention of electricity. What was the entertainment then?? Women...Dancing women to be exact. Belly dancers, show girls, and so on. Men would work hard to save their money to go to the brothels. The warmth of a woman more important than food. Women have always been the source of our excitement, and our weakness. If you women truly understood that...we men would be in some real trouble.
So here is your husband...Driven by hormones, looking for excitement, and entertainment...and his wife, is distracted by life. Men will always look for the easy way to get something...and I mean always. We are practical to a fault. How??
This is how we think... Wife is busy doing everything, and no time to turn me on, or be sexy...so...I will look for someone who is not too busy to send me naked pictures, or watch porn, so I can please myself. Easy enough....If course it is not right, or logical...but to a man...simple, easy, and practical. We are fixers...Give us a problem and we will fix it. He has a no excitement problem, and he wants to fix it.
When was last time you felt sexy? If you say it's been a long time...then you understand why he is looking for it. You may say "why is he not looking for it from me?" Because we don't know how to express that to a woman. It's like expressing to a man that you want him to be more macho. We believe sexy is a woman's soul, and she knows how. So when we don't see it any more...we feel like you no longer have interest in us. So we start looking for any woman to show us interest. To make us feel like a man, to be noticed, or to stroke our hormonal egos.
Do we really want to cheat..no...not really...we just want to feel alive again. To feel like a we can rock somebodies world. RRRRRR!!! I am man...I sex you good!!! Pretty much it. We need you...wife...need you to keep our hormonal egos in check. How does it work? You need us to touch your heart, and we need sex to touch your heart... What men fail to realise is this...the more you touch a woman's heart, the more likely she is to give you sex. Seems simple enough...but not easy enough. It involves a man showing emotions, and that is something we struggle with. So he will look for ways to get what he wants without the need to show emotions. Less work.
Yes your life is busy...get him to help out. Remind him...less I have to do around the house...more time I have for you. If he starts helping out more...make sure you reward him. Because he will loose interest, and it would be very hard to get him back in that mood.
So...Go get your sexy back. No woman out there is better than you for him. You already beat all the rest to get him to marry you. Now you are just going to give up and let them win?...OH HELL NO!!!! You got the same things they do, and you know him better than them...so...Advantage you.
Some men are just as afraid to ask for sexual things, as you maybe too afraid to ask him. So look at what he is asking for...And don't be afraid to express your sexual needs. His need to fix your sexual desire could be the turn on he was waiting for.
Remember this...He did not marry you just to cheat on you...You both have lost sight of each other, and the need to fix each other...get him to see you again...the woman he loved so much, he married. :)
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (8 November 2016):
 You are more than enough just in the wrong way. You give him whatever he wants and you sit idle letting him cheat on you. He simply can not be trusted as proven time and time again. What do you think will happen if you decide to tell him this time- the same ol same ol gas lighting bullshit. He is who he is and what he does. Why do you stay, I mean really is it love on your part or do you need validation that you have the power to make him change his wicked ways, his be all and end all, his WIFE? Love him you may but he is making just as much a fool out of you as you are yourself. Personally I would put effort into restoring yourself instead of trying to win over his gigolo ways. After a while Some things just belong in the too hard basket
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you All for your helpful advice. I really have alot to think about.
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (7 November 2016):
 If you allow these behaviours he will continue to show them. I really couldn't imagine him changing because he knows that you're accepting what's happening.
You may love him but you're not a doormat so don't let him treat you like one. As singinbluebird said, love shouldn't hurt, it's the lying and chesting that hurts.
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male
reader, Denizen +, writes (7 November 2016):
 I have seen this question on here before. You know where the door is. If you want be a doormat stay and let him do whatever he likes. You will be a fool if you do.
Loving someone doesn't mean you have to take whatever they dish out. What will it take to make you see sense? How bad does it have to get? Draw a line and when that is reached get away.
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female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (7 November 2016):
 You need boundaries hun. IDK how long youve been enabling his cheating and complete lack of respect for you but it sounds like its been going on for way too long. You cant change overnight thats for sure. You need help and self esteem and much much more, esp tough tough love. I hate to break it to you sweetheart, but if you enable a cheater once, he sees you have ZERO backbone and hes probably smiling because his sweet ol wife gives him whatever he wants. He prob can hit on a girl in front of you and youll just say youre mad but you love him soooo much.
I can tell you this much: LOVE DOES NOT HURT. Cheating hurts. Lying hurts. Being lead on hurts.
SET YOUR BOUNDARIES. You need to learn how to say no and thats a long long process. Go online and read materials on how to gain self esteem and how to say NO. And seek a professional therapist if you can. Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2016): Hi. I am so sorry you are going through this. :( I will send you hugs right off the bat.I understand what you are going through. There are no words to describe the depth of the agony and anxiety you must bear every waking moment when you are married or involved with a man who is not worthy of you. Remember this. It is HE who is NOT worthy of YOU!!!You ask HOW can you trust a cheater? YOU CANNOT. You will NEVER be able to trust him. The trust is gone. Long gone. Even if you made the conscious choice to excuse him and cleanse him of his sins, you will forever live in agony wondering what he is up to every time he is not around or every time your little voice kicks in, never believing and always questioning every word he says to you. Talk about compounding your misery, anxiety and continuing to feel like crap about yourself. Not good. Just so you know, you can kid yourself that you trust him again but your trust will NEVER be recovered as long as you are married to a cheater. Because that is exactly what he is. And the longer you stay with him and put up with this behaviour, the more he WILL DO IT. He feels there are no repercussions. He feels he is getting away with it. And he will become more arrogant and entitled about it the longer it continues. Because he is SELFISH and is all about his own needs. He does not care about yours. You can tell yourself the guy loves you but to do this to you, NO HE DOES NOT. A man who loves a woman would never put her through pain or do anything that would break her heart. No matter what. He would love her, value her, cherish her, respect her, care for her too much to ever be the one responsible for destroying her.You have the proof. And I do not blame you for looking. You have every right. Because this is YOUR life too. And you need to know the TRUTH. A lying, cheating selfish womanizer is never going to respect you enough to tell you the TRUTH. So, you had no other choice. In fact, good on you for doing it. It shows strength. Some women would pretend. Bury it for the sake of continuing a sham of a relationship. I can see you value yourself more. And do not want to be with a man who is treating you like less than you are.What to do next? Well, you are smart by keeping this under your vest for now. You not confronting him is your greatest weapon. WHY? Because if you do, he will just DENY, DENY, DENY and turn it all on you. Calling you insecure, paranoid, crazy, say that he loves you and how could you think such a thing?... There is just no winning when you accuse a cheater. They will go to any and all lengths to protect their secrets.In addition, he will become much more careful with his extra curricular activities. He will hide things better. Perhaps password protect his phone. He will become much slyer and more much more cunning to hide his tracks. But all the while, he will continue doing what he has always done. Remember, it is an addiction for him.I just want to let you know it is NOT YOU. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. He is the one with the PROBLEM. He is the one making these choices. If he was not happy with something about your relationship, he should have sat down and had a heart to heart with you. Tried to work on it and fix it as a couple. Not seek temporary, fleeting outside distractions, which in the end do more damage than good. I can tell you that these women are likely just sex toys to him. To boost his sagging ego. It is like a little side fantasy to help him feel more alive, virile, wanted. He feels there is something missing in his life. He is trying to fill in the missing pieces by escaping in this other life. It rarely lasts and he will leave a trail of used up conquests. You do not know for sure whether he has taken this sexual innuendo with random women he flirts with to the next level. He might have. Highly likely in fact. Or maybe he has just been working on it? But does it matter? The end result is that cheating or having the INTENT to cheat are the very same thing. Guilty on both counts. Men are as faithful as their opportunities if they are looking to cheat. So, they can keep trying with several women until one of them gives him what he wants. So your husband could be flirting by text or online sites hoping to reel in somebody. Or he could have done it already with one or several and has now developed an ADDICTION to the thrill of the chase, the sex that ensues and then off to another conquest.You have to decide if you can live with this. If you can live with a man who does this to you. Or if it makes you ANGRY enough to say to him, HOW DARE YOU? I AM WORTH MORE! I WILL NOT LET YOU DO THIS TO ME! I know it hurts. I know it is hard because despite it all, YOU LOVE THIS MAN. And love does not come with an off switch. BUT, I would think the minute you see your supposed loyal partner is cheating on you, that switch would work perfectly. OFF IT GOES. The love is gone. For many, they are so disgusted, angry, enraged that their husband would do this to them that they would say ^^^k you and never look back. Sadly, this is the way it needs to be. The many women that forgive indiscretions only set themselves up for future indiscretions at the hands of their husbands. I don't think they ever stop. They just get better at hiding it.So, in the end it becomes a question of stay with him and put up with his affairs or leave him and find a man who will love and respect you enough to never hurt you by cheating on you.What do you do in your immediate future? If you are serious about confronting him and building a solid, bullet proof case against him, then I would hire an investigator. I know it costs money but isn't your peace of mind worth it? I would catch him in the act on his "business trip" because you know full well he's planning to have a tryst while he is there. Use your credit card. Ask your parents. Somebody for the money. It will be put to good use. The only way to nail him is to get the evidence on tape. That way he cannot DENY it. But beware, some jackasses will still TRY to DENY IT even when confronted with video tape of their indiscretions! LOL The nerve and ego of those men! But what do you expect from those who display narcissistic behaviour?Are you serious about finding out? Or are you hoping we will tell you that you are wrong and that he is not really flirting? But it is quite obvious that he IS. Any man who is married who is texting other women, calling them sexy and asking for their pictures clearly has the intention of hooking up with them.YOU KNOW WHAT HIS INTENTIONS ARE.Now, what are yours?To stay with a cheater who will keep cheating on you? Or to make the decision to leave him and reclaim your self esteem and self worth and find a man who loves and respects you, a man who lifts you up, makes you feel safe, secure, cherished, valued? A man who does not only see you as enough but much more than he ever dreamed or felt he deserved...I have gone through this myself. It is hard when you make the choice and follow through. Your husband will plead and beg because men are just big babies. They cannot handle losing their comfort zones or the woman who takes care of them because oftentimes the floozies on the side do not measure up to the whole woman they have LOST. But you must remain firm. He would only be begging and pleading because he GOT CAUGHT. He has no remorse. So, stand tall. Stand strong. Yes, there is a hard, grieving period. But once the dust settles, you WILL come out on the other side. And YOU WILL FINALLY BE HAPPY. And STRONGER. PROUD of YOURSELF. I am. I am now with a man who loves me. I have peace of mind. And feel good about myself again. I am happy. I went though hell to get to this man. He was worth it all. And SO ARE YOU. PLEASE MAKE THE DECISION TO LOVE YOURSELF MORE.
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