A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I realize I am being a complete hypocrite and I hate it but I can't change how I feel. BACKGROUND: I grew up in a Bible-based church where soul-winning, youth conferences, missionary work and Bible memorization were expected. Most children were homeschooled or in an approved Bible School and most of us were groomed for Bible College. All five of my older siblings went. Siblings (brothers) 1 and 2 became pastors, siblings (sisters) 3 and 5 became a Sunday School teacher and Church secretary, and sibling 4 (brother) is a Church music director. I followed my sibling's footsteps and my parents expectation and went to Bible college myself. I plan to be a pastor because I thought that was what was expected, but even at college, it was pretty obvious that my heart was not in it. They sat down with my parents and told them that this simply was not my calling. we're disappointed, but I was doing a lot of work for the church and for others in the church doing yard work and landscaping. I have always loved the outdoors and I seem to have a gift for anything from landscaping to gardening and growing flowers and vegetables and fruits. I have also always had a head for business and I love giving to charities and helping out the poor in the community. I also like to help the and I feel that keeping them busy and teaching them these skillcan help keep them out of trouble. I got my degrees in business and in landscaping and I started my own very successful business that encompasses all of the above. I met a nice young lady at church who had only moved to town two years before, and I waited until she was 18 before I asked her parents permission to court her. She was my first love, a wonderful, intelligent, sensitive young lady. I have always wanted to have a spouse who was pure and I kept myself pure as well. I wanted to marry her, but the day I was planning to propose, she did not answer her cell phone and nobody knew where she was. She was supposed to be coming back from a retreat and this was very unlike her. The weather was terrible nd our worst fears were confirmed: there had been an awful car wreck and 10 vehicles were involved. Four people were found dead and she was one of them. This hit me very hard and I'm ashamed to say that I did not show up for her funeral. iI instead went to another city, got a hotel room, and a bottle of liquor. I remained in that hotel for a week. my business by then was thriving and I lived alone.I was able to afford to lock myself in my house with liquor. I stopped going to church, remained a functional drunk, and only stayed dry long enough to do the bare minimum for my business. this went on for five years. Everyone tried to get me to come back. It was only when I was up for assaulting a stranger in the middle of the night in a bad neighborhood that I came to alcoholic anonymous. I began to attend the churCH it was held in and I have not had a drink since. I rebuilt my life and I have never been happier. Of course my parents and former church members don't pray for me as the wayward son but I am happy where I am. I am dating a nice lady and she does not drink and only has very socially and very minimally. We want to get married, and I've spoken to the pastor there for pre marriage counseling. Here comes the problem:It came out that when she was in college, she had a wild streak herself that also included alcohol and some experimenting with illegal drugs. That part does not bother me. What bothers me is that she also experimenting with sex. It was not just a one-time-thing for her, she has had multiple partners. She has been tested for STI's and states that she has not been with a man since she was 22 years old. I believe her. She also states that she felt and still feels very dirty and ruined and that she had a hard time forgiving herself. I believe that too. I asked her point -blank if this resulted in any pregnancies and she paused too long before nodding. She was very quick to add that the man wanted her to have an abortion but she refused. He then asked her to marry him and she also refused. She moved back home with family, did not speak to that man again nor did she tell him where she was going. She put the child up for adoption and has virtually no with the family that adopted the baby.I absolutely appreciate her honesty and I understand why she made the decision she did. The problem is that I cannot get past this. I know this is hypocritical on my part because even though I was able to keep myself away from women when I was drinking, that is only because I drink at home and was more likely to get into fights than anything else.She of course is very hurt and angry and said she feels betrayed. Right now, we are on polite terms, but our relationship is on hold until I feel comfortable. Our pastor pulled me aside and asked if I would come speak with him alone. Heis a very wise man and he asked me that if she told me that her ultimate dream was to marry a person she was in love with and that person died and she turned to the bottle instead of God, would I be able to forgive that provided but she no longer drank and stayed away from situations where she might be tempted to. Right away I told him that of course I would. I understand exactly what he means by that.I know that I should forgive her and move past this but I can't stop being judgemental and hypocritical and it is really messing with my head and my heart and my soul. I have spoken to the pastor and my alcoholics anonymous sponsor and I still cannot let this go. I feel like the whole relationship is ruined and that it was all based on a lie. I don't know what makes me so angry because logically, having sex before marriage even with multiple partners is no worse than hitting the bottle. I am able to see past those things and people in the program but just not in her. I also cannot let go of the fact that she gave that baby up and did not communicate with the father of the child. I cannot place my finger on why I am so resentful towards her for all of this. Does anybody have any insights?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2015): I applaud you for at least recognizing that you are a hypocrite. it sounds like you really want to be with this woman and you really do want to let go of this. you understand logically, that you could very well have had sex with women when you were in a blackout. I am an alcoholic myself and I have left my apartment without knowing it Or remembering it. sex is looked at as a worst sin than anything else, especially if it is a woman who did it. that is not fair but society has trained you to think that way too. if you are working in the community with people who have pasts, wicked sounds like you do, are you judging these people the same way? or are you harder on her because purity is so important to you? she probably did not want to tell you that she put the baby up for adoption because of this exact reaction! people, especially women, can be very judgemental of a woman who has her child adopt out. I have seen people be more forgiving if Children Services took them away then when a woman voluntarily give her child up. especially if the woman wants no contact with this child.it sounds like she's trying hard to put this behind her and have some closure. she also still seems to be knocking herself around over this.all I can think of is for you to keep talking to your pastor and you're Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor and for you to keep praying or the ability to forgive this woman as you would have wanted to be forgiven. we can't talk about churAlcoholics Anonymous but most Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and with the Lord's Prayer. please, listen carefully to the words. Please, reading the big book but they say to do about resentment. the Big Book suggest that you pray for the person or thing you resent but they had everything you would want for yourself. it takes time, but I think you'll get there.
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (31 December 2015):
 Even though you see your situation as very complicated, it might be so complicated because there are lot of issues in this drama that are improperly construed.
First, every sin is unique whereas all purity is the same, therefore, your attempt to compare what's forgivable between her sin and yours is impossible. You both committed sin in your own unique ways.
Second, these sins are not against one another, so whatever you did has nothing to do with her. Therefore, there is nothing for you to forgive about her because her transgressions were not against you but others. Likewise about your sins.
Third, your dilemma cannot be construed as some sort of an inability to forgive her, but rather it is your inability to accept her character given what she has done. Her history, like yours, is a legitimate resume which you have to judge whether her track record in life is sufficiently good to inspire trust in you.
Fourth - and I think this is the dilemma - the person that you perceive her to be now is incongruent with the person that she was in the past. Basically, everything that makes you love her now is so out of match with her action of the past, and this mismatch is what hurts in the gut with endless wish that it has never happened, but happen it did.
Therefore, stop viewing this situation as some sort of an inability to forgive because you owe no forgiveness to her... instead look at two things: her character and her desire to change.
Character is a static view of person's past and it is often a good predictor of the future. So sure, her sleeping around with few men, inability to own up to an unwanted pregnancy... all point to a character flaw.
However, the way you describe her now, she seems a person who has learned her lesson, seeks change for the good and is after purity.
So your job here is simple: decide whether her past is such a deal breaker that no mutually beneficial future can be gotten. In other words, decide if what she has done in the past has tarnished her character so much that her aspirations to change are worthless. Once you decide which overweighs - her past or her present - then act on it and don't look back.
Sometimes, people do stupid things because they never met a person that will inspire them to do right. This applies to you as well because I read it in your post. Maybe you are the agent of change that inspires her to do right?
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (30 December 2015):
 This isn't going to work out for you. If, with all your Christian upbringing you cannot forgive what is not even yours to forgive then it will always be a stumbling block between you.
You probably expect god to forgive you, but you can't accept he has forgiven her. It isn't your place to forgive her because the sin if you see it as that (some might say it was a mistake - and we all make those) doesn't concern you.
Let her go. She has had an interesting past and you aren't ready for this. Back to church brother.
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