A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have had a really hard time over the last year and a bit, and now i'm wondering whether it has left a permanent scar on my life and my perceptions of things.I used to have loads of confidence, and be willing to do anything for a laugh or just because i felt like it but now i have no confidence.I find it hard to go out and socialize, i even have a hard time leaving the house on a regurlar basis, i'm constantly worrying, it get so bad most nights i can't sleep. About 8 months ago i lost all my friends and was hopsitalized due to a mental breakdown for many reasons. Ever since all my friends turned on me and bullied me. So my perception of people in general have changed completely.I see people as all the same and can't seem to find a person who appeals to me or i seem to like in a friend way, i see them as all shallow and almost like their all out to get me, and if they are generally being nice to me i spend ages worrying if they were infact being sarcastic and i just didn't pick up on it. I worry somtimes about nothing and i can't seem to get the anxious feeling to go away, some days i'm constantly on edge for no reason. I have very low self esteem and low expectations of people,I get extreamly lonely sometimes and even though i do really want a friend deep down and wish i had someone my own age to talk to, i just see it as pointless in making a new friend as i beleive they will betray me or just won't like me. Trust is out of the question i find it hard to let people touch me and i can't stand to even let my family members hug me. Most the times i feel insecure and a nervous wreck i do think about my past a lot and it makes me feel horrible. i used to stalk people on social networking sites who used to bully me. or I would be friends just so i can see how there lifes are going. If i see somthing on facebook that reminds me of someone it can make me cry or feel depressed it seems somtimes even though i know it makes me feel awful i can't help but hope that my old friends will come back to me and i can feel like i have someone again. I know in reality, that some of them are not good for me they were never real friends but yet even though they made me feel terrible about myself, somtimes i wish they would understand or talk to me again, but in reality i'm just hoping as it won't ever happen.And apology from some of them would be nice. But that won't happen either. I am also having bad sleeping problems and am having a blood test soon to see if i am anemic or if i have M.E I'm going to a new high school after the summer holidays, and i want to enjoy the rest of my teenage life and not have to worry about literally everything. Ive been so wrapped up in my problems for the last 8 months i havent had a life of my own. I want to have fun have friends have my first boyfriend and not have all these negative emotions and perceptions of people constantly on my mind. How do i enjoy my teenage life stop worrying about everything including my new high school and just let go and have fun and get rid of my anxcity and turst problems ? (btw therapy is an option but its the last options so different solutions would be great)Thanks !
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