A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I just started dating someone new. Before meeting, we were in touch for 10 days quite intensively by text/ SMS. Couldn't meet up sooner as he was away.Then we met up and had a nice first date as far as I was aware (we were intimate, yes almost certainly too fast but the prior ten days had created an *illusion* of intimacy). I heard nothing for 3-4 days after that, swallowed my pride and sent a Happy New Year message and he replied and we had a bit of banter but then he disappeared for 7 days. We started chatting again when he got back in touch, had a second date, again very nice as far as I was aware! Again, he's done the disappearing act since then. I don't mind if he's not that interested (well my ego minds a bit but it's not the end of the world), I don't mind if he's having a bit of cave-man time out, but I want to know which of the two it is!! Not sure how to approach this. I don't want to end up being a f-buddy (and have told him this), I don't want to chase him, I just want to know where I stand without swallowing any more pride.Any clues??
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFemale anon, I fully accept that I'm just as much at fault for creating the odd dynamic. I Wanted to clear the air with him about that but it seemed heavy and now it seems pointless. Yep, I won't be using this approach next time/ ever again!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2015): I just don't understand. You say that you do not want to be a fuck buddy, and told him this, yet you are enabling that sort of relationship. You are saying one thing but acting a completely different way.
He doesn't know you from a hole in the wall. He chatted with you over texts for ten days. Not even in person. But in texts, which is so impersonal. He's gone out with you twice and both times got laid. The message you are sending him is, "I just want to fuck." That is all he is hearing by your actions. And he is treating you no better or worse than how you are acting.
You want to know where you stand? Well, he calls you periodically when he wants to have sex. That's where you stand. But you are just as much at fault as he is for creating this dynamic.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (12 January 2015):
 What Honeypie said.
If he wants to date you, give him the chance to ask you out. If he doesn't, then, well, his loss. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSound advise and thank you Honeypie. Slightky lost sight of things for various (health) reasons/ lost my grounding. If/ when he gets in touch I will just say that we're not looking for the same thing but keep it light. Likewise If I bump into him.
I agree re early intimacy. I needed a hug and to be held (more than sex) and I got that so I can't say who was using who more. I know I derserve much more, though!
Thanks! X
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 January 2015):
 I wouldn't worry about what to say if/when you meet him. Just treat him like an acquaintance. Wave hi, but not try and start a conversation. IF he asks or suggest another date, tell him:" thanks, but I think you and are not looking for the same things", then wish him luck and walk away.
No need to "pretend" to want to be friends or anything like that.
He wasted some of you time, no more.
And I'm not saying you should regret the sex. No point in that, and if YOU enjoyed it, well then what IS there to regret? I'm just saying if I were you I'd go a LOT slower and wait with the sex till you actually KNOW the guy. I know talking to someone over text/e-mail/chat/sms can SEEM like you get to know them, but if you took ALL the "text" and stuck them together in ONE conversation, it would cover a whole lot of actual getting to know someone. Regard texts/sms... as sales pitches in the future. A guy can sound GREAT on a dating site profile and in text, but CAN he "bring it" in person? Is he someone you WANT to get to know?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks both. I'm not contacting him. Not to lure him back or to make him realise what he's missing but because it doesn't seem 'right'. I'm not so sure I like him much, anyway, and I'm sure as hell not accepting crumbs.
Regarding his first disappearing act, well Fool me once, etcetera.
Honeypie I don't regret the sex. It was good. But the hangover is lasting a bit too long! I agree with the overall sentiment however.
Question now is I suppose, how to nip it in the bud if and when he does get in touch again? Ignore or explain politely that I am looking for more? He lives locally (same local bars, train stations, etcetera) so it's a bit weird.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 January 2015):
Honestly, I'd let this one go. He has already shown you TWICE at least, that he isn't interested in a relationship. Why do I say that? Because he will disappear and "forget" or ignore you for days and then only getting back into the flirtation when YOU reach out to him.
Just because you SAY you don't want to be a f-buddy doesn't mean he cares or that your ACTIONS match your words....
Don't contact him no more, if you want a BF, look elsewhere and.. next time don't jump into bed so soon. GET to know him first, SEE where he stands BEFORE the sex.
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