A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice about my overbearing mother. I'm 23 years old and have always been controlled by my mum to a certain degree. Through out my childhood, I was held back from doing the things other children were doing for fear of me getting hurt. As a teenager, if I went out I had to txt her every 30 minutes to tell her where I was, who I was with and if I was at someone's house, their full address. I wish I was exaggerating this, but I'm not. When I went to university, I managed to stand up to her a little bit and got my own life, but she just found other ways of controlling me. Her main way of controlling me now is through judgement. Whenever I do anything, she tells me it is my choice but that I will regret it. She says I'm allowed to do what I like but then follows that sentence up always with a big speech about why Im doing wrong. Whenever I have a problem in life, she just wades in and takes over, often without asking, when I do tell her to back off, she flips and says I either let her help with everything or nothing at all. When I say that I'd rather she helped with nothing, I get called ungrateful. Recently, I've felt myself just closing down to her. It's like I just block her out now. I hear her, and I imagine these shutters coming down all around me, just drowning her out. I've stopped telling her my problems. I don't even tell her about the good things in my life. I recently started a business and am making a fair bit of money. I struggled with the business for the first few months and my mum was quick to tell me it was failing. Then finally the hard work gave way and suddenly the money is pouring in. I'm not rich yet, but I'm definitely getting steadily wealthier. She hasn't a clue because whenever the subject of my business comes up, all she cares about is picking holes in it. She still thinks its a failure. Its actually a huge success and I just haven't told her. She has no idea how hard I work. I'm now settled in a long term relationship, engaged and planning my wedding. As I've got older I've come to realise my mother probably has a mental health problem. She has never went for help, but it's almost like she has a split personality. She is very controlling all the time but flitters between controlling me passively to controlling me in a rage. As much as I love her, despite everything that happened when I was younger (parents divorced after she repeatedly walked out on my father and I, who is now passed on), as I'm coming to this next chapter in my life, I'm realising I don't want her as involved in my life as she is currently. Recently, as I've thought about having my own children in a few years with my partner, I've been having panic attacks. I'm terrified of her trying to control my family. Im worried that she will disagree with how I will raise my children. shes christian and my partner and I are both atheists and will raise our children as such. I can see she is going to meddle with that straight away. I'm even panicking about the wedding. My father is dead so she will be giving me away. The thought makes me feel so uncomfortable. True to form, when we spoke about button holes and flowers for her as mother of the bride, she refused to wear the flowers my partner and I have chosen for our day. She says they won't go with her outfit and she doesn't like the colour so she will pick her own flowers. It's just flowers but I'm hoping you guys can see a pattern here...I'm doing a lot of thinking ahead of my wedding and I've realised that my life is with my partner now. We have our own home and our own lifestyle. No, it isn't my mums cup of tea but I don't really care anymore. I'm at that point where I really don't care what she does or doesn't like. I'm also realising that I'm probably going to move away with my partner after the wedding. We're moving about an hour away. Partly due to wanting a change of scenery, partly because I'm running away from my mum. I don't want to sever ties with her completely. She's my mum. But how do I diplomatically put down some boundaries without flicking her switch that turns her aggressive and nasty? Whenever I think about being near her, I get panic attacks. I'm finding myself avoiding being around her and avoiding speaking to her. Whenever I get a text from her, I feel myself tense. My partner can even tell straight away without even asking if its a message from my mum because I just start to panic and breathe heavy. When I know I'm going to see her I get anxious and worry about it fortune days leading up to it. Help? I'm ready to cut the apron strings.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 March 2013):
 The easiest and most diplomatic way to distance yourself from your mother is to do it gradually. I do not recommend announcing your intentions as it would provoke an argument. Besides, talk is cheap. It's actions that count.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): Hi there it sounds like we have the same mother!
First off congratulations on the success of your business! That is a big accomplishment. I can sympathize how terrible it feels that your mom chooses to see it as a failure. You could win a Nobel prize and she would still see only imagined flaws in you and nothing else.
My mom is just like yours - controlling and suddenly flying onto rages at me and nit picking looking for something wrong with me so she can get aggressive at me over it. She especially loves to do this in public and goad other people to take her side in criticizing me wheher those other people are my other relatives or my husband or in laws or friends. It makes them very uncomfortable to witness her lashing at me suddenly yet when they try to intervene she insists I "deserve " such a tongue lashing for being so stupid /incompetent /whatever.
I am an orthopedic surgeon and well respected in my professional circle. Yet to my mother I am just a silly child who can't do anything right on my own without her intervention and direction. It is like we are stuck in these roles where i am still a 5 year old to her. She has even at one time tried to insist that my husband and I hand over control of our personal finances to her, believing we are incapable of paying our monthly bills on time. She demanded we put her on our bank accounts. Needless to say we didn't do that and she flew into a rage. I have had landscapers show up on my doorstep saying my mother hired them to do something to my back yard and of course this is the first time I am hearing of it. If my husband isn't around she will then start critizing him to me and raging at me. (At least she is civil enough not to do it to his face) .
Like you I simply shut down and stopped talking or sharing anything with her. I am now in my 40s and for the past 20 years she has been complaining how i never call her and she doesn't see me enough. One day a few years ago when she was ripping into me again for some trivial thing I finally lost it and yelled back at her to BACK OFF. It was the first and only time I have ever raised my voice to her (whereas she routinely does to me) . She was completely shocked. Then she backed off. Since then she has not been as bad but she still likes to nit pick and go off at me. Thus I still avoid her and do not share any personal information about my life (neither good nor bad) with her. This is how it has been for the last 20 years and I am ok with it because it is better than the alternative of her suddenly flying off the handle and raging at me.
I think you really need to just cut off contact or at least limit it severely. Do not make her a big part of your life. Keep an arms length distance from her forever if need be. That is the only way to set and maintain your boundaries.
And if you are in her presence and she starts going off on you then immediately get up and leave and end that interaction. She will rage at you for being a bad daughter for not calling /visiting enough. So what. Let her. She will rage at you no matter what so at least this way you fey some peace on between! Maybe one of these days she will realize she is a lonely old woman because she drove away her daughter and caused her daughter to want nothing to do with her. But I doubt it. Some how I think she will just keep blaming you.
Yes I do think your mother has some undiagnosed mental health issue. The sudden flying off the handle and raging is an indicator. I have often wondered if someone who videotape my interactions with my mom and then play it back for her so she can see how she suddenly goes into raging mode and just what she looks like. Maybe you could try doing that.
You don't have to cut off ties completely. Sending a annual Christmas card only is still maintaining some ties.
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