| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: After a year of dating exclusively my ex admitted to cheating once, while on a 'boys night' seven months into the relationship. He said he felt like crap and didn't know how to tell me. I could feel something was wrong-so the relationship declined until I ended it a couple months ago when he refused to go to counciling. (He didn't confess until after I broke it off.) In the last two months he has dated and described a sexual encounter with an (in his words) 'unsuitable' female. He now wants our relationship back. I'm holding him at arms length and testing his proclaimation of 'love' for me. Is it true that once a cheater always a cheater? He has slept with three women just in the time I've known him (including me.) I've only been with three men (including him) in my entire life. We are both in our thirties. He says that he has spent some time with a very aware man who has offered council and he is now ready for the next step in our relationship and wants more from me. Is this man to be trusted? What can I use to determine if he is being honest?
View related questions:
my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (8 September 2006):
 Well anon,
I cheated on my ex and I can say that the phrase, "Once a cheater always a cheater" is very empty and dry. I did it once and I have vowed never again!!! I felt just as much pain as she did and I cried just as much as she did. When you love someone you don't want to hurt them at all. If you do you would walk thru hell holding Satan's hand to take it away. At least thats how I felt. I agree with stina. Go to counseling and see what is said and weigh out if you can deal with it or not. Its obvious that you are willing to try because you have posted the question. My relationship ended because of it but I figure if I can help someone else understand that its not the end of the world and you can get back what you feel you have lost then is some way I am regaining my own self-respect and dignity. Good Luck.
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (8 September 2006):
 Hi Anonymous,
First I need to say that you shouldn't even consider the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater." Those are just empty words. That's what people spout out when they don't know what else to say or when they don't really understand the situation.
What you really need to do is focus on this guy. How you feel about him. If you can get over the fact that he cheated. How he treats you now. What changes he's made recently for you and him. If you *really* want to try to have another shot at the relationship.
I think it's wonderful that he's telling you that counciling is an option now. I would definitly go to counsiling with him and get all of your feelings out in the open and listen to what he has to say. This way you will be able to not only listen to everything the other has to say, but *understand* it, as well. See, in my experiences, outside of a therapist's office, things can be said but not understood. Or even worse, one person might not even finish their thoughts because the other doesn't want to hear it. Or else people get very angry which does the opposite effect of what the conversation was supposed to do in the first place. With a therapist involved, he will be able to help the both of you cope with feelings in order to get everything out in the open with minimal yelling, etc. that usually happens in these kinds of discussions. And a therapist can also help the other to see things from a different perspective.
Listen, if things were good in the relationship other than this fling that he had, I would go to counseling and see what is said. Then I would make the decision about progressing the relationship based on what happens there (you may have to go several times before you make your decision). It sounds like you want to get back together with him from your post.
I hope all goes well for the both of you and he goes through with wanting to see a therapist with you. Take care.
...............................
|
