A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need to ask u guys this question as i really need an advice on how to stop reacting or i d say overreacting when things like this happen to me. I know it may sound silly to you, but these things upset me to the point that i become depressed so deeply, understanding in a same time that it probably not worth all the emotions.i need to learn some so called technics on how not to let people get to me as much.Right now i m traveling in a town that i used to live while i was in college and few years after. I made three very good friends and every time i visit, i always do things with themOne of then is my girlfriend who for the past years started acting a little distante. It was her burthday yesterday, itook her out, treated her to a birthday dinner. We met the day before and had a night out till late. I slept next day till 3 p.m., so when dinner time came i was very much awake, and was ready to go somewhere dancing as we planned. She looked exausted during dinner complaining how she got to wake up early, and so on.... To the end of dinner i told her, listen, if you are so tired may be we ll call it a night? She said, yes i would, but i dont want you to go to hotel and spend the whole nite by yourself. I said, yes, but i also dont want you to feel so tired and go dancing just because of me. SO WE WENT SOMEWHERE, I HAD ONE DRINK, SHE HAD COFFE, AND WE SPLIT. She calles me the next morning, asking how i ended my day, and told me that on a way home she was passing neighborhood bar and heard nice music so she stoped and had a few drinks and danced another couple hours.I couldnt believe my ears. I said: what are u saying? you didnt want o go out with me, knowing that i m in town just for a few days, complaining all nite how tired you are, and then you did go out and had a great time the same nite just without me? She said yes, i was just passing by and heard the music, and so on. I just said by and hang up the phone.I was upset. I also realized that she doens t think for a minute that she did something wrong, otherwise she wouldn t tell me. I know she loves me, and i know the last thing she wanted to do is to hurt me, but i just got really upset about itFew hours later, i go to Starbuck for coffee, I m killing time for a few hours before lunch with my other friends. And this nice lady in her 70s puts out booksa on a counter. I asked her what is it she is doing, she said o, i just do t because i have so many, and i put it here for people just to take them.She said , i m going to bring some books now, i live right around the corner, I THINK I HAVE SOME BOOKS THAT WOULD PARTICULARY INTEREST YOU.So she leaves, and i look through the books she left, sipping my coffee. She come back, hands me a bunch of booKS and pointing to one she says:i think this one will be very much for you. I look at the title. It says:fear of becoming 50, crisis of middle age.I didnt know how to react to this first. I know she didnt mean any harm. But the fact is that i just turned 40, and i hear all the time how great i look. EVERY TIME I tell people that i have an 18 year old child, i hear that i look 30. I mean of course everyone have different expectation on how a person looks for a certain age, but her being a woman herself and being much older woman doing something so ,I m sorry, but i cant think of a different word right now, stupid?!!I froze for a f ew seconds, and i asked her as calmly as i could: why do you think THIS particular book would be of great interest to me?She was a smart woman, she figured out right away, may be judging by my facial expression that i m not happy with the situation. She says something like i think it everybodies fear to turn 50. I said, may be everyone you know, but not me. PLUS YOU DONT KNOW MY AGE, i have quite a few years before i turn 50.And then i just left as nicely as i could, even told her thatnks for bringing books.I know it sounds like i mm making a big drama out of nothing, but it upsets me when people act like this to the point that i just want to cover myself with blanket and stay in bed.My husband always tells me that i m taking things way too personally, and i need to learn on how not take it so close to heart.Any books, any theraputic thoughts anyone can suggest? Thanks in advance
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): Thank u guys for answering. Un fortunately reaDING ABOUT HUNGRY CHILDREN IN Africa is not going to help me not to get upset about little things that happen in my life.
I dont really think that long about upsets in my life, i do get upset more thatn its called for, but in a day or 2 its gone. Like today i even had a laugh with my husband about this woman in a store.
He actually was trying to defend her saying that she probably didn t mean that i m nearing that age, she may be was going through a tough time worrying about her middle life when she was in her 30-40s and thought that it wold be beneficial for me to read that book.
He also told me a story that when he was in his late 20s, his 80 years old grandma was very sick in her last years, and he took her to doctors quite often. Every single person in a hospital would ask him if it was his mother.
And grandma didnt look anything younger than her age, she was just a tiny old wrinkely old woman:)).so, go figure.
As for my friend.... I m not mad at her, i m just dissapointed, thats all. My parents brought me up in a manner that other people come first, and i think they went overboard with it. I think that i needed to learn how to take care of my emotional needs and feelings, how to get that part under control, and dont expect people to be like me, always fragil in wanitng to please the whole humanity.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): that woman at the bookstore was way out of line. I can't believe she actually did that, I would have felt really offended if I were in your position.
similarly, I would have felt hurt if my friend was too tired to go out with me yet ended up going out by herself. well, maybe she didn't want to have competition for male attention, or maybe she really did get a spur of the moment burst of energy that wasn't there before when you were talking to her.
I don't think it's abnormal or wrong to have felt the way you did. but I think where it does start to become a bit much is that you ruminate over these things long after the event has passed. and maybe searching for hidden meaning or significance in those events which is just not there. the more time you spend thinking about upsetting events the more upset you will feel, needless to say.
Ok with your friend I can understand dwelling and over analyzing that since you're friends so she's someone that's in your life and if this is troubling you want to know if it's a sign that something is not right between you. maybe you're reading between the lines trying to figure out if she was honest in her explanation or if there is something more to it that she's not saying as it involves your friendship.
but with the incident with the woman in the bookstore, everyone encounters obnoxious strangers from time to time, you're not alone in this. Everyone has at some time or another had a stranger make offending remarks or gestures at them. In fact some times it happens quite often. these things I think you shouldn't spend so much time going over and over long after the event has passed. just let it go. Know that other people experience these too, there's nothing wrong with you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): Read a book called, "The Hot Zone," which deals with the messed up diseases that emerge in third world nations, particularly Africa - it's a novel, but technically non-fiction. The master of horror, Stephen King described it as the "scariest thing he has ever read."
Why? Once you learn about what some of the poorest people in the world have to deal with day-in & day-out (i.e. a mosquito bite can leave you disabled and you have no control over it, let a lone having to deal with hunger pains derived from being completely broke), the nonsense crap that happens in North America/Europe is really so insignificant.
Now I know you're probably looking for a self-help book that will tell you how to deal with anxiety and whatnot in '10 easy steps', but I honestly think a shot of reality is what most people need, especially in the Western World, to 'wake-up' and realize their 'problems' are far from anything that can really be described as problems.
So if you read that book, I'm almost sure you'll stop worrying about what "he/she said" and what "he/she did" and start realizing you've got it better off than hundreds of millions of people worldwide.
Cheers!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): Learn to appreciate the things you do have: a good marriage, your health, and security.
Reality can often be harsh and learning to accept it instead of fighting it so you won't harbor negativity will help you. Friendships change over the years and they can fade. Your friendship isn't the same anymore and that could be because of many things but there are new friends to make. Aging is difficult and trust me, no 30 year old thinks you are their age! Accept you don't look like you once did but that doesn't have to be a negative.
As long as you cling to the past then the changes in your life will seem forboding and anyone who points those out will feel hurtful to you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 April 2012):
 We can't always understand people's logic and intentions. Our opinion of ourselves is all that matters. We have different ways of doing things so others may not understand us too. Most of the time people have no ill intentions, so being sensitive to other people needs can be a gift too. There is sensitive to criticism, there is sensitive to things outside your 5 senses, there is sensitive as being empathic. You have to decide which senses help you, which ones are just nagging voices that you can tune out.
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