A
female
age
,
*parker
writes:I'm 51 y/o, married 7 months to a total alcoholic, functional in all ways, but a drunk nevertheless. He hid it from me until after we were married. I knew he drank a few beers a day, but not also at least a 1/2 pint of vodka, too, straight from the bottle. How can I describe to him what it's like having sex with someone who's so drunk they hardly remember what happened? He also never wants sex until he's bombed. Leaving is not an option. Long story. I need a description that will make a lasting impact.
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female
reader, sparker +, writes (22 October 2007):
sparker is verified as being by the original poster of the question I just wanted to thank everyone who offered their advice. This has been so hard to deal with. Friend Tim, your words seem especially wise, but just knowing that their are other women who are going through or have gone through the same thing helps a lot, too. It seemed like my life was just getting back on track after a nasty divorce from a 23-year marriage a few years ago. This man is one of the sweetest and shyest men I've even known. He's an excellent lead guitar player, (Classic Rock, of course) but I'm afraid he has almost let the alcohol take that away from him, too. He's not the type to seek professional OR group help, but hearing someone else's point of view may help, and I hadn't really thought about getting his family involved.
I'll try to let everyone know how things are going.
Again, thanks to everyone who responded.
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (22 October 2007):
 It sounds crazy but some people are not relaxed enough to have sex unless they are intoxicated. Many people tend to forget things when they are in a druken state. Some people don't forget what they do but they might not be all aware of what they are doing at that moment. Many wake up with much regret over their behavior. However if someone should experience this when they are too drunk to know what they are doing they should learn to control their alcohol since they can't control themselves.
Since you are already married and if you take those vows seriously then you need to ask him to get professional help with his drinking problem. Someone who drinks heavily may be a good person otherwise in all aspects. Give it a try and be there for him until you just know you can't anymore. God bless you and your husband in helping you find the help you need to recover.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): Hi Hunny,
I agree with friend tom. You have to be incredibly strong hunny, My ex did not drink a thing apart from the occational pint when a special occation.
The first night of marriage he was so drunk he couldnt make love and that was the start of hell!
You want to stick by him then you have to talk and tell him the truth, And as has been said you do not want to sleep with a stranger this is just how it is hunny.
My husband was not the man I married I tryed to help as much as I could for me it did not work out, I do hope that your husband listens to you and gets help for this problem A.A are wonderfull also have you a support group in your area for you to get some help love, it is so important that you have understanding while you are going through this with your husband, I hope this helps a little WITH LOVE MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (21 October 2007):
 I agree with much "Friend Tom" had to say. I to was married to an alcoholic and I never knew he had a heavy drinking problem till after we married. Being young then, and very naive, I must say there is so much I would have done different like in what was stated...however, I will say..if you should notice him coming home late, or not at all, he could look for female companionship due to no sex or in their view, only "these" women could understand them unlike yourself. I hated my ex's beer breath all over me, I hated when he couldn't get it up then it became my fault for not being able to take care of him...I hated so many things that were unreal that were happening that I couldn't believe I was living through this nightmare, because it was. He cheated numerous times, which I never knew till right before we divorced when he did his amends with me. (He did go to AA after 6 rehabs and 1 half way house mind you) He is doing wonderful...11 yrs sober. The thing is I could be there for him and be the loving wife, however, I couldn't save him....he was going to have to want to save himself. They have to hit a rock bottom, and we don't know what that will be...each is different. One thing that is true...very true...and that is, if you say something, you MUST mean and not go back on your word. Once you do, he knows...he knows he can walk all over you and HE WILL. That's why in AA they say "mean what you say and say what you mean"...also known very well in Alanon which might also be of assistance in helping YOU handle yourself and your actions...which that is what they are all about. It is for the friends and family members of alcoholics.
I wish you the best and if you ever want to talk...I'm always open ears. God Bless.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): Same happened to me in a sense that he hid it until I was head over heels for him. When I realized we had a serious problem I got his entire family involved and would not let him or them relax until he quit altogether. I made it very uncomfortable for him to continue drinking. Any alcohol I would find in the house I would pour right down the drain. I remember playing music real loud when he was hungover one morning after drinking all night. He says that was a turning point for him.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): Well, sparker, you do have a problem on your hands. I sympathize greatly. I have seen it before. You are dealing with a problem that has been going on a long time, and it is not going to end quickly. But if you are truly as determined to stay with it as you say, here goes: pick a time when everything is relatively relaxed and you are both together with no pressing jobs to be done,..watching TV or whatever. Go and sit close beside him and say, " Hon (or whoever), we have to talk. I think you know what it is about. I was not aware of this problem of yours before we married. You kept it from me. But it is a problem that cannot go on if this marriage is going to work. You have to stop this over-boozing habit. I don't care if it is on your own or with help. I am ready to help as much as I can. And other help is available. But I cannot sleep or attempt to make love with a drunken stranger. Don't even think of a relationship with me in that condition again. It won't happen. I will be here for you in every way as a wife, but you will sleep alone. You decide." And, hon, you have to *mean* this. If he does not get the message, or make the attempt, he doesn't care enough about you. You say leaving is not an option. Well, then, do as I said, and be his wife, his helper, in every way. But there is no reason you should be used in a way that is insulting and humiliating. I don't know what his decision will be, but at least he will have to make one. If it is the wrong one, you must re-think about staying. Does he have family or friends, (male) whose opinion he would respect and accept? Could you trust them to speak to him about this? Use all your options. There are AA counselors who are trained and very good at this. But, I will tell you,...you cannot go on this way much longer. There is no future with him. It will only get worse, until he totally destroys his own heallth...and you. My very sincere regards.
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