A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been searching everywhere for answers and it appears I'm not alone by the postings I have read...My problem is this, I thought I loved my Girlfriend who I have been going out with for over 8 years. We get on quite well; we have similar views on life. We have 2 children one is 5 and the other nearly 3 years old. I am 36 She is 32.I think there is something missing or I have a problem as I keep looking at other Women (I guess it's a sex thing as we have always struggled) I have got close to a few people the past 2 years but decided not to follow through, as I knew this was wrong. April 2008 I swapped phone numbers with a girl who works at my Daughters Pre-school, she is only 22, we had always got on well, she told me she was leaving and I said oh no im going to miss you, that when it all started....Our text messages started that night where we both got a bit naughty and confessed we had liked each other more than we should. We arranged to meet up for a drink, had lots of walks, talked about life and I found out she had a hard life; she lived with a bloke who used to beat her for nearly 3 years and that just for starters. We found ourselves texting and chatting several times a day and met up as much as we could. We connected in a way I found uncontrollable. About 6 weeks later we booked a hotel and I pretended I had to work away. We found out that night that not only do we connect well on a friendship level but we did also in the bedroom!Up until this time I had always thought cheating is very wrong I guess you can't judge till it happens to you.I made so many excuses to get out to see her, she was like a drug. We spoke about me ending my relationship and that she was happy to take my kids and me on if I had them on a full or part time basis (Don’t worry I would never take them away from their mother even if I could) I said no as it was to soon and wanted to make sure it was love not lust. 7 month in and nearly breaking it off 4 times as I could not commit to her I find myself again with a dead line, life with me or her. I have cried every night for months now I am so confused I think I love them both. I have been thinking nearly constantly for months, I have tried doing lists, taking time out from both of them I miss them about the same amount, My heart wants to give this new girl a go but brain says it's not right as I can't hurt my Girlfriend even more. I am getting nowhere!Things I have thought of that stands out is the thought of my Girlfriend with another bloke does not hurt but the same thought of my new lover kills me, but not seeing my kids hurts the same. How can I possibly decide? Any pointers will be great help. Thanks for your help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): I don't think you realize the devastation of what you're doing. Your girlfriend really deserves to know what's going on. She's given you 8 years and 2 children, and this is the worst betrayal. Worse than a one night stand because you say you LOVE the 22yr.old. You really need to make a decision immediately. I don't know why when a relationship gets hum drum, either couples bail out and start all over again, or protect/nuture their relationship by spicing things up, go off alone without the kids, talk honestly with each other (even if feelings get hurt, because honesty keeps intimacy). It's a stronger love to say "I want to love you, and only you forever...even when times are tough." (You can't enjoy the peaks without the valleys.) And a last thought, some men have multiple affairs because they are trying to fill a void in their life that only Faith can fill.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for taking the time to read & offer advise.
I'm just wondering why some people think I have commitment issues as I have been with my Partner for over 8 years, my previous partner 6 and she left me for anther guy.
I wish I could take a week or two away from them both but I cant. I am taking every other evening out on my own after done the daily things like cook tea, wash up & make pack up for us all.
Any other advice will be much appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): I think you have commitment issues also. It shows in that you are not married. There's always an 'out', and gives Alot of insecurity in a relationship. You have to decide if you want a Real Relationship with a deeper love, or multiple shallow relationships all your life. If I was your girlfriend, I would immediately break up with you, because I need a man who'll be there for me in good times and bad. Some people never experience that kind of unshakeable love. But it's something you can have if you really desire it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): You are making a mistake to treat your love affair as real deal. It would be enjoyable to you if it stayed just affair. You are very sensitive for a guy, be careful. These things can really throw you off, your emotions started to run wild. The girl is getting involved with the 'wrong guys' all the time, first the beater, then already taken man. Plus, she is significantly younger than you. Not a very good situation. I would stay away from her for a while, you really must clear your mind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): Hello there. The thought of your girlfriend with another bloke probably doesn't hurt because it has not happened. If it did I am sure it would hurt you, partly because the other bloke could become a father figure for your children with all accompanying power struggles. I think perhaps some counselling would help you explore your true motives and help you see your way through. I sort of suspect that if your girlfriend knew, you may find your choices forced into a much more narrow set of possibilities. The panic of facing what you could really lose may make you suddenly see things in a very sharp perspective. Just as well she doe not know (?) as yet although your new girl could tell, so please be aware of that. Eight years abnd a relationship which has done well enough, with real reasons for saving it, versus a strong physical infatuation plus other things you don't mention. How long did it take for the honeymoon period to stop with your girlfriend? It would take about as long for the other to stop as well. Real love is what is left over after the mad rush. I think you could not see the other girl until you have decided. It would not be so hard. Give youtrself a month or so and she will have to wait. If she finds smoeone else in the meantime her love is shallow. you need to find out how deep yours is and which one is really the one you should be with. Good luck!
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