A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My brother and sister and sister in law and I are all adults over 30 with our own lives, we all live in different places. They are younger than me, are quite close and will often comment/like or post things on each other facebook walls. When I post things I get ignored and they never comment, or occasionally my sister will like it and nothing else. MY sister and sister in law are very close and it hurts me so much, as I don't have that. I cant help but feel envious, they don't see each other often but always are in touch on FB. They have kids,and are married, (my brother has 3, my sister 2,) and I don't, they are super busy, they all work, my sister's youngest is a very active 4 yr old. we all have things in our lives and can busy, not just them, and not having kids and being single doesnt mean I am to be ignored, esp if I try on FBYes its natural they will have things in common, but the posts are all not about their kids! it's other things also, they have similar taste in music and other things. I know its stupid, its FB! but most people now, of all ages, communicate via some sort of socail media/email etc esp if they live far away. I feel so left out, its like I don't exist at all. has anyone else felt like this? I occasionally comment or like their posts so its not about me not doing it. I recently sent my brother a text saying that my sister in laws favorite actor was on a talk show that day, I though she may watch it or they could record it,or even watch it on online, I was trying to connect, make an effort and be nice.(I dont have my sister in laws phone number.) I never even got a thanks from her or him, or any acknowledgement I did it, yes it's a small thing but it hurt! we don't see each other or talk much,(so FB etc is important, to at least stay in touch,) my sister will never text or call me, it's me doing it,and I haven't in ages so she hasn't, they call each other at times though) I feel so left out Facebook can cause so much hurt, don't you think? no hate please.thankyou
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2014): Hello :)You made a good point, that it's the commonalities between them that is allowing them to connect so well. So even if the posts aren't always about children ect, it could well be they are similar in a few ways which is the glue to their friendship.From what I've read, people like people that are similar to themselves, because it confirms what's right about them. Lovers have similarities, values, attitudes, believes just as an example, so I feel that people who have things in common gravitate towards each other; friendship too I should imagine.There is a good possibility that the people in the context are unaware of how you are feeling, which brings me to my next point.I'm guessing that you haven't told them how you feel so their will be some underlined cause that you feel bad about in this context.Our emotions are signals from the subconscious mind promoting us to take action, so if you feel angry then it's just your body's way of saying take action.For whatever reason you may feel that your unable to do that, and from what I have read, I sense that your communication style is passive.There are four communication styles:Passive, aggressive, assertive and passive aggressive.Passive communication is for the people pleasers that prioritize other people before themselves, they have trouble saying no and voicing their concerns.Assertive communication is what everyone should be striving for, because it's about having the confidence to express your voice as well as having your needs met without violating others.More on passive communication, it's rooted to low self esteem, so although you feel bad about what's happened on Facebook, I feel that it's the service emotion to what lies deep down.Sometimes we don't have access to our inner motives, but what's upsetting from an external perspective will simply be a mirror to what's happening internally.You feel bad and ignored but why are you feeling those emotions?I feel that's a question you need to map out on paper to find the under lined cause.If you have any low self esteem then it can affect and distort external perception. It's a message important to you and that is why your mind has filtered for this.You feel ignored but what is the deeper meaning to your.feelings. Try asking yourself from a psychological perspective.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2014): this is the poster
my bro sis and I DO NOT live near each other so
visiting the kids is not an option
my sis has a 13 yo also
my bros kids 12,10, 7
they are not babies
saw my sis at a family event in Dec and her 4 yo hates me and told me to go away, I understand he doesnt know me
FYI i use social media a lot!! im not a technilogically unaware 40 something!!
my bro is 38! not 20 sis is early 30s
they are close
guess ill have to try and make my own family via frends,
not easy
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2014): I would ditch face book or use it to communicate with new friends, don't even bother with your siblings( I know your not like this)but unfortunately they are. I have a sister who never bothers at all with me and has left me out of so many get togethers and opportunities to be like sisters, that I have after 10 years thrown the towel in. She could'nt give a hoot, I did, I was heartbroken and have made my feelings known but nothing changed, so now I don't give a damm. Family is not always what we think it should be, and loyalty is not always with blood. You won't change them and their selfish way's just make new friends.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (14 March 2014):
 I dont think you need to feel bad over this and I don't think it's your fault. I have a similar thing with my family and I no longer speak to my brothers and sister or my parents because I came to realise that with us all living so far apart and only me making the effort to keep in touch...it got tiresome to not have them reciprocate. I am single and they are all in relationships and in all honesty I got to understand that they don't need me in their lives as none of them ever visited (not even when I was seriously ill)
I racked up hundreds of miles and helped them out when I could but nothing much in return. I have grown up kids who I remain close to and really they are all the family I need.
I wouldn't jump through hoops to please your family, just focus on your friends and think about all the great stuff you can do as a single woman that they cannot.
Facebook is not the be all and end all...in fact it's a pain in the arse and if it wasn't for candy crush...most people wouldn't bother with it.
Keep your head up, enjoy your life for you, do stuff that makes you happy and to hell with anyone who doesn't care about you or want to know you.
Hugs
Em xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2014): My dear, why would you suggest the we not send hurt? We may have to be straight-forward on occasion according to the content of a post. Not hurtful! We care about your feelings.
You are correct that the excessive use of social-media does create some emotional-distress, and tension in many households, and drama in relationships. People lose their social and interactive skills.
It isn't really the medium that is hurtful; it is the poor behavior, insensitivity, and lack of social-skills of the users that is actually at fault.
The use of social-media is wide-spread for the convenience; but many like yourself and I, may not find it's use quite as appealing. It may be very impersonal; but it's usage is the best tool to reach out to people, we otherwise may never hear from again. It's fun when used for that purpose.
It should never become the chosen means of family connection. Families are supposed to be close. That takes effort.
The others are acting like teenagers. They formed their social-clique, and perhaps feel they no longer share common-interests with you. They formed their bond or little "exclusive club" based on their age, marital-status, and kids.
Those who choose a single-life without kids; are often misjudged as selfish, and lack the same family-values.
They've grown closer by these common-traits. As you've indicated, and that is by choice. You're of a different age-group, and unfortunately people over 40 are considered less technologically-relevant, and society grows more ageist by the day. They feel you're yesterday's news and have side-lined you in the same category as your parents.
Nothing like some good old-fashioned directness. Call them and tell them how they are behaving. You're the oldest, now lay down the law.
You do know the phone number of your siblings. So call them.
Have a heart to heart talk. Catch up on some things and be just as honest as you were in your post.
Tell them how they've made you feel.
Being honest and direct is the only way to educate people and address this issue. They leave you out of their discussions. They've let you feel isolated and excluded. You want to be closer. You have to let them hear the sincerity in your voice. That's something they've lost and you can restore. You're trying to use their means of communication, and relate the way they do. It didn't work, so use a different approach. Use love and sincerity.
As you've suggested to us, don't be hurtful in the process.
Over the years, being single; your life took a different direction. You didn't marry and you don't have kids to share the same kind of connection they have. So you have to create your on type of connection. You may have been in your own little world for sometime, and grew distant unintentionally. While your sis-n-law and sister were
new mom's feeling stressed and over-whelmed by motherhood.
They turned to each other during colic, fevers, and tantrums. They probably kept each other company when sitting home feeling like pregnant cows; and riding the hormonal-roller-coaster associated with it.
Envy often distorts the true picture. So don't allow that to even be relevant in your view of how they get along. That's their business. No one stopped you from doing the same if you wanted to.
As they were becoming new parents; the others formed a support-group. They come to each other for tips in parenting; and sharing domestic stories. Naturally they have other topics and interests to share. Married-people with families are in their own little world as well. They think we singles have no clue, and do not relate. Cat and dog-stories aren't quite the same.
Married people with families don't want to bore us
single-folk talking about diapers and toddler-puke
incidents. They are not interested in our experiences; because we get to go to bed when we please. Sleep throughout the night. We can come and go as we please, and all our money is spent on what we want and need. So you've become somewhat of an outcast in their domestic-world.
When you want to hear from them, call. Don't sit around waiting and feeling bad. You have to be proactive in initiating the process. Ask about the kids. Talk to them and form an auntie-relationship with their children. Visit and spend time with their families. As the kids get older, they will become addicted to technology, and they will not know you. You have to see them in-person while they're small. It may already be too late for the 4 year-old.
If you sit around waiting, time slips by, and you feel all the more isolated. Sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands.
Good-luck!
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A
female
reader, KlassyKirsty +, writes (14 March 2014):
 Reality check for you :) People are very co-dependent/reliant on social media nowadays, and will be for a very long time. Ok, they are using Facebook as a leverage to maintain their relationship with each other but so can you :).I understand why you are upset because you cannot choose your family but you can choose other fulfilling relationships as well :).If you feel that they are rubbing it in your face then it might be wise to steel yourself away from evil facebook. Facebook can make people give in to temptation whether it be preventing someone from doing their work, distraction, looking at ex spouses profiles etc trust me you are not the only one. That is when it can do more harm than good. Do not allow them to dent your confidence, not all families gel along together and play the Happy Families card. Leave the ball in their court and start being proactive and initiate friendships in your local area, and you will have alot of new facebook friends to shout about :)Good Luck xxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2014): It's really a big deal of importance to you. And to them it's probably not that big and they don't even realize they are doing that perhaps. I think you should try to connect over the phone preferably in person before expecting something to form. They obviously have more things in common and it's much easier for them even if for them they don't need to talk to each other much or see each other often. When u get a person who you really don't have much in common with and try to start conversation it seems and feels awkward so most ppl only Facebook ppl they connect with or miss. No big deal just call up and ask to visit or go out with the kids. Attend functions of family you have any. Make outside friends so this rejection won't hurt. And if they have always been kind of close it's no wonder they still are and Facebook friends. Don't take it personally.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2014): Facebook causes me hurt too, in different ways to you. Also,I'm quite different to a lot of my friends and I don't see them much anymore and I often get feelings of loneliness and a little bit upset sometimes! I found that becoming more self aware and looking inside myself helps me to accept who I am and I'm ok with it more than I used to be. I do get envious when I see groups of friends hanging out. I'm a nice person but very self contained so I don't trust easily to make too many friends and am often if ores in big groups. Is there any of your siblings that you can reach out and tell or talk to? Maybe send a long email? Offer to look after the kids if they want to go away? Otherwise, acceptance is your best friend - I don't care that I'm different to a lot of my 'friends' now! I started going to the gym and competing nationally at a sport and I got a puppy and I work a lot - I'm too busy to care now :-)
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