A
female
age
30-35,
*aughterofthesun25
writes:How do I deal with my overbearing selfish family? Do I cut them off or distance myself? I feel like they are being selfish and not respecting me, my husband or our decisions. I am pregnant with out first child and naturally have talked about upcoming decisions with my siblings. We are an extremely close knit family which I feel is part of the problem sometimes. I have always catered to them and I admit sometimes chose their needs over my own and my husband's. I am trying to do better. There was recently a big blow up because we decided to put the baby in daycare once she is born. My mother is available to watch her but honestly there are a few issues that make me uncomfortable. She has a drinking problem, her living conditions are not the most sanitary and she also is raising my niece who is very spoiled and has screaming tantrums often (she is 2). My brother asked why I was choosing daycare and I said I would feel safer with her there. He went back and told my mother that I don't trust her and she's not safe. Of course she blew up at me and is telling everyone that I'm keeping her grandchild away because I don't trust her. I have tried to talk to her multiple times and explain these were not my words but she isn't hearing it. She has cried and complained to my sisters and now two of them aren't speaking to me. My oldest sister was supposed to cater my upcoming baby shower but backed out. My youngest sister always passes comments about me "thinking I'm better than everyone" and says she is probably not coming. Honestly I believe there is a little jealousy on her part. She is a single mom and was not happy with me even announcing my pregnancy. She "jokingly" made a comment about me stealing her spotlight and my baby being the youngest knocking her daughter out of the light. She also has made comments about my husband and his family whenever I spend time with them. She even has a problem with my husband's mom being in the delivery room saying it should only be "our family" meaning her and my mom. I'm just over all the drama! I feel the only way to get my respect is to stand up to them! But, this may mean losing them. I refuse to be a pushover like I have in the past. Any advice?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 November 2015):
 You are arguing about daycare for a baby that isn't born yet? Oh my goodness.
One of my friends just received the tragic news that the baby he was expecting with his partner had no heartbeat; the doctors had to remove the dead baby on Friday.
His mother had been buying clothes and furniture for the baby.... It's tragic.
My advice to you is to stop inviting the obvious dysfunction into your life.
Stop advising your family of your decisions. Be vague. Talk about your happiness. Mention that your family will always be so important to you and you love them to pieces.
"My oldest sister was supposed to cater my upcoming baby shower but backed out."
Ask your best friend to help you find a replacement caterer. Or make it a potluck.
"My youngest sister always passes comments about me "thinking I'm better than everyone" and says she is probably not coming." She ALWAYS passes comments like this? You have bridges to build with that sister and this probably isn't the best place to do it. Just tell Youngest Sister, "I love you and am happy to have you in my life. If you can attend the shower, that's great, if you can't, it's okay too! :) I love you and have always loved you and will always love you!"
"Honestly I believe there is a little jealousy on her part. She is a single mom and was not happy with me even announcing my pregnancy.
"She "jokingly" made a comment about me stealing her spotlight and my baby being the youngest knocking her daughter out of the light.
"She also has made comments about my husband and his family whenever I spend time with them.
"She even has a problem with my husband's mom being in the delivery room saying it should only be "our family" meaning her and my mom."
Okay, you guys are spending a lot of time interpreting each other's "comments." Stop listening to them and most importantly, stop offering them.
If asked, just say, "my husband and I decided to do xy and z. It's what will work best for us." If anyone offers "comments" or argues with you, just cut them off with a smile and a big hug: "You are so sweet to be so concerned about us, what a great gift, your love is so important and I would be so happy to know that you trust me to do what is best for my family." BIG smile then. "So what's new in your family? Tell me all about ab and c!!!"
Don't feel the need to confront them, as apparently this hasn't been something with which you are comfortable. Tell them you love them, you appreciate them all and will always appreciate them, then redirect their focus. If all else fails, ignore them.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (15 November 2015):
I am also of the opinion that you should stick to your guns. Sadly, your family seems to have enjoyed the drama and it might be too late for "sticking to your guns" but I do see that you want to change even though they can't.
The most important thing is that your child will be safe. I think this is the right thing to do. Do make sure the day care is a good one as well. Let your mom throw a tantrum, it won't help anything and you don't have time for her. Let your sisters put on the silent treatment, I am sure they need you more than you need them, and some time apart will do them good.
You will have your own family, so focus on this instead. Make life better for you, your husband and this new life. You have it all figured out already I think, it just a matter of sticking to your guns.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 November 2015):
 You don't have to cut them off, you just have to learn to say no and stick to your guns. and maybe... you need to learn a little .... diplomacy.
Honestly, if you mom drinks SHE shouldn't be watching a baby. And no matter how much she cries and complains don't "give in" to her manipulation. Instead of saying you want your child in a day care (over being at your mom's) you could have gone with a she will get a great chance at socializing from an early age. Instead of the "safety issue" which CAN (and did) seem more like a passive-aggressive dig at your mom.
As for WHOM you have in the delivery room? ENTIRELY up to you. IT is YOU giving birth. If you feel your MIL can be more helpful and soothing and thus a BENEFIT for you, you choose her. The more people in the room doesn't make it easier, trust me on that one.
Both your sisters and your mom is making YOUR choices all about them and maybe it is partly because you have catered to them in the past, but here is the thing, you NOW know better. You have grown and realized your little family comes first.
As for the baby shower... I'd ignore it. You don't NEED a baby shower.
If you family turns their back on you because you put your husband and little one first, THAT is their choice. Doesn't mean you have to DO what THEY want, honey... it's YOUR life.
Also - if some of this drama is due to Facebook posts maybe hide your feeds from some of them?
The time now is for YOU to be relaxed and focus on a healthy baby. If they can't support and help YOU make the next few months pleasant, then cut down the time you spend with the. No one needs negativity.
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