A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:HelloI am preparing myself emotionally and physically for life in my mid 30”s. My twenties were a series of parties - insecurities and putty fears with occasional breakdownsThroughout my self reflection I have noticed that I get angry very quickly and I want to fix this Bevause it consumes me. For example at work I have this coworker that always wants to one up me or always show off and it gets under my skin .. if I say I went on vacation he will smay - “well I went on this expensive vacation last year” blah blah blah.. I am not sure why situations like this anger me but they doI also have no relationship with my parents (I grew up in an abusice home) physically and mentally so every time I try to talk to my mother 90 percent of the time it ends in a fightIf i get bothered by something I get snappy and sad and moodyI internalize a lot of the Andre and I can’t seem to relsease it- I am often a doormat with men in relationships and after I take it all in - it feels like it will explode Does anyone have tips of letting go of anger ? I realize we can’t change people but I just am never calm
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 February 2019):
 I recognize myself in some key aspects of what you write. I also grew up with an abusive parent. It taught me all the wrong management skills, you know. It taught me that when you're unhappy, the correct respnse is to blame it on someone else and then scream Your head off, or if you're really pissed, then you should slap them and get physical, because they only brought it upon themselves with their stupidity.
Yes, that's my basic instinct. It's how I was brought up to react. And then at the same time, I was completely incapable of standing up for myself, because my body went into panic mode and you know that in order to survive, you better just shut up.
So there are two conflicting behavioural patterns, and the times when you should stand up for yourself, you end up being passive and just taking it. And then the times when People haven't really done anything that terrible, you end up wanting to beat the living shit out of them.
So, first off, you should see a therapist. You might suffer from PTSD, and it is quite common to not handle emotions well and to have uncontrollable outbursts when you have PTSD.
Second, there are some anger management "tricks" you can apply. I did it by categorizing the different levels of anger. Make it a 10-step ladder, or whatever number of steps you feel is appropriate. We each have our own maximum and minimum, so my ladder might be different to Yours. I foun dit most helpful to start with maximum and then go down:
10. hitting a person (or throwing things at them, being physical against a person)
9. saying mean things and using names (like bitch, shit, scum, idiot), swearing
8. banging doors, hitting walls etc (physical against objects)
7. screaming/loud yelling
6. nit-picking/moving focus from the real discussion, shifting blame
5. debating/arguing, but remaining on topic and speaking with resepct
4. getting angry, and expressing it calmly with words
3. letting someone know something isn't okay
2. getting annoyed, but letting it pass
1. identify something that you dont agree with, but not letting it bother you
Now I went from a 10 to a maximum of 7, but mostly I restrain myself to a 5 or 6. I still have a way to go, but just getting down from that 10 and 9 was a real mental struggle. I noticed that when I am tired and don't get enough time to myself to calm down my mind from all the impressions of the day, I just fly up that ladder in the blink of an eye, jumping from 1-7 in seconds. Which isn't good. So currently Im putting my focus on getting enough rest and just simply avoid people as to not get into fights. It works so-so. But I give myself time to work thorugh this, and Im super proud of myself from having moved away from 10 and 9 on the ladder.
I recommend you try to make a ladder for Your anger, and then after each fight, think of where you landed on the ladder and how you can move a step down. Just one step at a time. What would it take, and where on the ladder do you see yourself ideally? Don't be afraid to make decisions like not speaking to your mother for a while, if you know it will just disturb your practise. Don't put yourself in situations where you know you will be angry/tested, not until you are ready to face it and feel well prepared.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (18 February 2019):
 Repeat to yourself: those who anger me control me. Every time someone says or does something which makes you feel angry (rather than annoyed/irritated - there is a difference), repeat to yourself: those who anger me control me. Then SMILE. You will be amazed at what a difference a smile can make to the situation.
Your co-worker is insecure. She NEEDS to make herself feel better by trumping whatever you have said. Allow her this indulgence. It must be sad to feel so insecure. Smile, ask her questions about her holiday, make her feel good so that she doesn't feel the need to act the way she does, even if you are seething inside.
Set yourself goals. Promise yourself that when you encounter the next person/situation which makes you feel angry, you will SMILE instead and REFUSE to feel anger. If you do this often enough, it will become easier and you will feel the benefits. Anger is an emotion which saps your energy levels. Have you ever noticed how tired and drained you feel after a bout of anger?
Have you considered trying a reiki course? Reiki is all about channeling energy to heal and maintain, and about letting go of things which drain energy. Doing an actual course yourself, rather than just going to a practitioner for a session, will help you understand how your body uses energy and how you can let go of anger.
Have you had any counselling to help you get over your childhood abuse? It is never too late to consider some. In the meantime, if you know contact with your mother usually ends in a fight, I would keep contact to a minimum for your own good.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2019): There's really no getting around counseling and therapy; just for the fact you've suffered abuse. You still have a contentious-relationship with your mother, even to this day.
Don't hang around her too much. She's a trigger.
Venture into some form of worship. The spirit needs food and craves peace. Oh I know, everybody scoffs at "religion." That's not what I'm talking about. Visit a house of worship; just for ya-ya's! I'm not talking about that weird New Age culty-stuff. I mean where there's a kind and peaceful atmosphere. Nobody is going to preach or push religion on you. If anyone does; go find another place that won't.
Include something in your life that works from the inside out. Do charity work and help the needy. Volunteer to help people after a natural disaster, volunteer to build houses or playgrounds; or work in a soup kitchen. When you help others, it takes the bitterness out of your soul. It soothes the soul and extracts those inner-demons. Everyone has a past, sources of pain or discourse; and everyone needs something in their lives to bring them inner-peace and joy.
Having a relationship with God helps some people.
Not proselytizing. It's just a suggestion. When you're around kind people, you rarely have cause to lose your temper. They'll teach you how find peace and joy without a bunch of pills or twisting yourself into a pretzel.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 February 2019):
 You can't change OTHER people, but you yourself can change things about YOU that you aren't happy with.
I'd suggest two things,
1, Yoga. It's just good for mind, body and soul. You will learn relaxation through yoga. And no, I'm not saying you have to master it, but take some classes and see if it can "calm" you a little. I have found that it calms anxiety very well for me. So I can imagine anger too.
2, CBT Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It's not long term therapy but it might help you get to the root of why things push your buttons to the extend that they do. Like the one up coworker. WHY care?! So what that he had a more expensive trip? It doesn't MINIMIZE your vacation, does it? I'd just smile and:" go OH that sounds lovely!" He might not even TRY and one-up you... but try to be part of the conversation. Some people are like that, they can't just listen. (Neither can you, you get mad because you somehow thinks he is trying to devalue YOUR story, which might NOT be the case.)
I'd suspect that your upbringing and childhood crappy home-life has left an effect on you, but IT IS possible to let that go.
I'd say go for the yoga for 6 months. See if that helps. If you aren't into yoga, try kickboxing (it will let you get some of that aggression/anger out) or any other sport (doesn't have to be contact sport, it can be swimming or running or whatnot - something to get your endorphins going.
And whenever someone does something YOU perceive as negative (like Mr. One-up) internally COUNT to 10 or 20, and just listen to him. If he really IS trying to get under your skin, then YOU not showing anger or upset might actually make him stop needling you.
You can also look up relaxation methods and practice them several times a day.
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