A
female
age
36-40,
*erg202
writes:My husband has made a nasty habit out of disappearing for no reason on occasion. He will sometimes call and say: "im on my way home from work" or not call at all, and just not come home. Most of the time he will stay out til very late, but there has been a few times that he has stayed out all night, and didnt come home until morning. When he doesen't show up, I will call and text him, but he never responds. And of course, I go in to worried wife mode, and think maybe something bad happened? Like an accident or went to jail?? I even called the local hospitals and jail before looking for him. But when he does finally come home, he is usually drunk, and says he was just hanging out with friends, and that he didnt want to hear me nag so he avoided my calls. Then we fight about it, I cry, he apologizes, says it wont happen again, and we make up... Until he does it again a few months later.. It always happens this way. Well, it happened again two nights ago. when I got home from work, he was not here and wouldnt answer my calls. He came home at about midnight, and as usual was very smug and acted like he was mad at me, as if I did something wrong.. I did not speak to him that night because it does no good when hes been drinking, but the next day I confronted him and asked him why he is STILL doing this?? We fought about it, and then he says: " I dont want to hurt you anymore, I want to change but if I havent changed in 6 years I dont know if I ever can. I will leave so that I cant hurt you anymore." and he left. Now I feel like somehow this is my fault, or maybe he is just trying to put the blame on me, idk.. But I love my husband very much, we never fight unless it is about this.. I dont want him to leave, but at the same time I want to send the message that I will not tolerate him doing this to me. When he disappears I feel as though he is abandoning me, and that he doesen't want me or atleast doesent respect my feelings.. Ive told him this a million times, but it never changes anything. I know that if I ask him to come back, he will, but Im afraid by doing that I will send the message that his behavior is okay, and its not. I don't want to have to beg him to come home, but I think thats what he wants me to do..Is there any way I can convince him to come home and work on our problems while still letting him know that I wont tolerate this behavior anymore??I know he is not cheating on me, we have mutual friends that always tell me where he is and who he's with. He says he wants to keep his freedom, and thats why he does it, but he doesent want me to go with him to hang out and doesent give me any heads up or warning that he will be going out, he just disappears. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks guys!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): Sounds like you married a 12 year old. He's blackmailing you to keep what he wants. What he wants is driving you into massive unhappiness... sick.
Make your needs be known, if he can't work with that, make some compromises, he's told you how he feels about you.
Take the hint, pack up your stuff, get as much as you can out of the divorce, and pick better next time.
A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (7 October 2010):
It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do. I'm sorry. He is acting like a rebelious teenager and not a husband. When you get married, both partners should let each other know where're they are out of mutual love, respect and concern. It does not mean you have to be attached at the hip - but there should be a feeling like you are always invited to be with him - and that he has nothing to hide.
You did absolutely nothing wrong here.
As for sending him a wake-up call - I'd consider dealing with his immature behavior in an immature way. Why don't you just "disappear" one night he is expecting you home, and not answer your phone for hours. A bit of a taste of his own medicine. I'd normally advocate talking but it seems like you've already tried that route.
Good luck.
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