A
female
age
30-35,
*assnadrajones
writes:We have agreed to wait 2 and a half more years or until we have reached our personal goals and can afford a child. It was only brought up because I had my mother look at our fiances and she told us we should be able to reach them much sooner if we cut back spending and double up our mortgage payments. So I was super excited to tell him. He was happy that I was happy. He would like to wait a tidbit longer but he agreed 1.5 years was still enough time for us to enjoy being a couple. Anyways back to the story. My side carries a gene that causes an extra toe to grow on the right foot, it also causes a extra right finger and a weird extra little "string and ball"(I call it that, because thats what it looks like), it also causes the right pinky finger to be about half the size of a normal one. I told him I would like to have all of the extras removed but he was adamant about not having it removed. He understands the reason for it being removed. I would like them removed because when I was growing up I had 11 toes. I was constantly ridiculed for it. Kids called me 6 toes freak (how original), I was called this until 7th grade. It made my elementary school years hell, I was picked on, no one wanted to be friends with the weird freak. People would hold me down and pull off my shoe then show everyone. I was a very depressed child, I do not want my child to go through that. It got so bad that my mother sent me to counseling because she thought I might kill myself. It sucked and I will not put my child though it. Honestly I will be having it done regardless if he likes it or not but it would be easier if we were united about this issue. My husband does not like "unnecessary surgery".(This is why he is not allowed to make my medical decisions, my mother is first, then my aunt, then my step father, then him). He feels that it should be up to our child to decide to get them removed, and when they are 18 they can do whatever they please. He tried to put his foot down about this issue but its not up to him or my child to decide. I know how it feels, he does not. I honestly felt he would hastily agree with me but I guess I was wrong.question: How can I change his mind about having all the extras removed? Please dont tell me I should let my child decide cause its going to be done right after I pop him/HER out :)thanks a lot everyone :)
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (19 August 2011):
 Wait. You do not even have a child yet and you KNOW this will absolutely happen?
Since you know that being judged for this anomoly caused you some trauma, focus on THAT and not the power trip of who is right and wrong regarding surgery for this child.
WHEN and IF you have a child and he/she is born this issue, THEN you make a choice. It is a choice you should make as a couple, with the child's best interest at heart.
A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (19 August 2011):
 I want to say two things. One, if your child is old enough to consent to this surgery, then ask them. If they say yes, by all means do it. Children can be cruel, and you know first hand how horrible it can feel to be taunted because of something that can be easily fixed.
Two, to fairycakes, lots of men complain about being circumcised without their permission, all you have to do is look on the internet on the hundreds of circumcision support groups to find hundreds of thousands of men unhappy with the fact that they were operated on without their permission.
Consent is VERY important when it comes to situations like this. If your child is an infant, please wait for a few years until you can talk to them and ask them personally before just deciding to have this surgery done. If your child is old enough to have an informed conversation about this, then, please talk to them as soon as you can. The sooner the better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2011): Is there any way you can say to him that this is so important to you, after all the cruel teasing and name-calling that you endured in your childhood, that if you couldn't have the procedure done to your child when they were a baby, then you weren't even sure if you could go ahead and have children? Say that as a loving mother, you simply could not put them through all the upset and meanness that you endured as a child when such a small operation could prevent it. Full marks to you for wanting to make your children's lives a better, happier and easier one by simply removing some extra toes or fingers! Also I would suggest when you get pregnant that you speak to your doctor, and make sure to tell him how strongly you feel about this, but also take his advice - there might be a more 'recommended' age for the precedure to be done than straight after birth. All the best to you, you're doing the right thing.
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