A
female
age
30-35,
*areyLynee
writes:Im 17 and I've had 2 previous relationships before my current one. I got cheated on in both of those because I wasn't ready to have sex that young. I then got with my current boyfriend 16 months ago and about a month ago we had sex. I love him to pieces but he's got to the point now where he can't take my jealousy. I just feel so insecure and paranoid because of my past. He really does hate cheats, he gets annoyed whenever someone in our friendship circle cheated on their partner and just refused to talk to them. I don't think he would cheat, it's just my jealousy.I don't like him talking to other girls because it just upsets me and I want to deal with this. I shouldn't be getting upset over him talking to girls. The thing is, one of these girls does like him and told him that. He apparently used to like her too but not since he's been with me, so quite sometime ago. It bothers me though how she still pesters him and constantly texts/facebook messages him after all this time. He knows I don't like her but I just can't stop him talking to other people. I don't want to do that.It's not him in the wrong, it's me and I just need some advice on how to control my jealousy. I get really upset and my heart sinks. Sometimes, I get angry. Especially lied in bed at night, my mind goes wild and I can't sleep.Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): Dear AreyLynee,
I'm sorry to hear about your difficulty with jealousy.
The fact that you were cheated on in both your previous relationships is one of the reasons. They have left you insecure, and probably dented your self-esteem too.
Having become intimate with your current boyfriend also compounds it because more emotions are added to the mix. You are overwhelmed with lots of different feelings and emotions, so sometimes it's hard to control.
I would say begin by looking after you - in every aspect, because as you gain confidence, your self-esteem will be boosted too. Whether it's to have good friends you can trust and share things with; pursuing hobbies you enjoy; doing lots of things so that you feel excited and happy to share that with your boyfriend, and it will take the focus off what he is doing, and which girls are being friendly.
The main reasons for jealousy are:
*Fear of losing an important person to an attractive other
*Lack of trust; Suspicion or anger about betrayal
*Humiliation; Low self-esteem and sadness over loss
*Uncertainty and loneliness
*Need to control a loved one
I believe because it's happened in the past, you fear it happening again, but we can't control everyone and everything. By sharing with your boyfriend how you feel, he can help you through the insecurity. His words and actions will go a long way towards reassuring you.
If his actions follow his words, then you will learn to trust him and the insecurity will diminish.
Jealousy - there is always going to be other more beautiful, wonderful girls out there, but he picked YOU. He is with you, so as long as you are yourself, unique, special and loveable, he will want to be with YOU. So as above, work on things that make you happy.
As I read once in an article:
"One of the worst things about jealousy is that it’s a Catch 22: We feel unlovable when we’re jealous, and we’re jealous because we feel unlovable. Reinforce and reward the lovable things about him. Dwell on what is positive and special in your relationship."
I hope that helps you.
Best Wishes and stamp out that green eyed monster :)
xxxxE
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