A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my divorced boyfriend nearly two years. He has two kids fom a marriage who live with their mother. I had nothing to do with his divorce. I accepted he had kids and that he seen them and paid for them. However two years later it's like I'm with a single father. Sometimes I feel like I'm an outsider. He pays a mortgage, he cannot afford to give them a bedroom as well as paying their maintenance (which I totally agree with) spends money he can't afford when taking them trips when he has them for the holidays and gets pressured to buy expensive gifts for them. The involvment is becoming more intense as time goes on. I can't see him twice a week because they stay overnight and it looks like this suits him. These kids are good kids but I feel duped as my boyfriend has discussed marriage etc but how can I consider it with this set up he has in place? I feel it is all about what's good for him, but what's in it for me? Please no replies from bitter ex wives, I'd like any genuine advice please.
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female
reader, Star_07  +, writes (15 November 2008):
 How he spends his money on his kids is up to him. If you two were to get married, I dont think you would be expected to share all your money or spend it on his kids. Finances could be seperated.
Of course his kids are going to come first. That is something you either have to accept or leave. You will never be first. On the other hand, his ex shouldnt matter much. Maybe he cares about her but you should come before her on that matter.
It doesnt sound like you are ready to be a step-mother. It sounds like you are being a little selfish when you say that if you two were to buy a house that you shouldnt have to have extra rooms. Thats nonsense. If you two can afford extra rooms, that would be IDEAL. If you cant, you cant. It all depends on what you two can and cant afford. Or a wedding in the future? NO PARENT has to pay for it. Thats a tradition not that parents HAVE to pay.
And this massive insurance policy...isnt that up to him?
You might want to rethink what YOU are ready for and if you arent ready to take on this role and talking to him about this, then he just might not be the guy for you.
I dont want to sound rude but it just seems like you are worried about finances rather than the emotional costs of going into a relationship like this.
Please take some time to think about this.
Take Care!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondo you think he is being selfish? i just get the feeling its all very expectant of him. for example, if we buy a house, he will expect a bedroom or two for his kids to stay, but they live with their mother so why should i have to contribute to this? also, should they just turn up when they want? things in the future also worry me. for example, if his kids want a wedding, will he pay, even though they divorced when the kid was six? also the massive insurace policy worries me, can he really expect to keep paying this if we marry? i feel he still acts like its a family. what do you think?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondo you think he is being selfish? i just get the feeling its all very expectant of him. for example, if we buy a house, he will expect a bedroom or two for his kids to stay, but they live with their mother so why should i have to contribute to this? also, should they just turn up when they want? things in the future also worry me. for example, if his kids want a wedding, will he pay, even though they divorced when the kid was six? also the massive insurace policy worries me, can he really expect to keep paying this if we marry? i feel he still acts like its a family. what do you think?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks people, I think I'm typing in the wrong box im not very used to the these sites! I thought I'd get ripped apart because this concerns kids but thanks for giving me objective advice, I'm reading these replies and it's great because I've nobody to talk to about this.
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A
female
reader, Teacake +, writes (13 November 2008):
 THen your feelings are correct! He is taking advantage of your generosity and love for him.
Cut off ties and don't explain anything. He needs to learn to treat women decently and not use them for his convenience. If you feel sad and duped this early on, you will be dead inside very soon.
I hope you meet someone better very soon! He sounds like bad news for women. His ex wife needs to use her money, not yours though him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni think i explained things poorly. i feel that there isnt really anything in the set up for me? if we marry, all my earnings are for him to share, but on his part i'll only be sharing whatever he has left after all the outgoings he pays. i feel like i'm third best already, two kids then ex wife then me. i've never been married and have no kids and kind of feel like im getting the leftovers of his life(no i dont mean the children). they do not live with him but he acts as if they do, like a single parent. this is why i think i feel duped. he also pays a massive policy for them. i feel he can be selfish about it all, its ALL whats best for him but surely if he's talking about remarriage then he needs to alter arrangements accordingly, i thiink im worth more than slotting into whatever suits him.
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A
female
reader, Teacake +, writes (13 November 2008):
Hello! I am single so this is my opinion.... he really doesn't have time for a relationship with all that responsibility and pressure.
I'm sure he cares for you a great deal and wishes he didn't have all the troubles. Its always best to date men who don't have children. My sister was involved with a man who had grown children and they gave him a lot of problems about her! He always let his kids interfere.
You will always be last on the list and if that is more than you are able to deal with, which is reasonable, then look for a man who doesn't have children!
It isn't fair to you to serve his needs only even if he has an obligation to them. Tell him how much you love him but this is a situation that has no solution as far as the both of you are concerned. He should actually find a woman with his situation, a divorced lady with children of her own. Then they both have time for each other only now and then.
Do you want children one day? If so, this man has his hands full and that would cause even more problems if he had 2 sets of children.
You are not being selfish. He has a duty to his children first and luckily he didn't abandon them. He sounds like a good man and you sound like a very nice woman. This is just not a match that will work out very well due to obligations.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (13 November 2008):
If you are really serious about this man, then I would say that this could be a problem. You are willing to accept his kids and that he will have contact (in some way) with his ex.
My question to you or you should think about: Are you ready to be a step-mother? Are you willing to set up boundaries with your boyfriend-what you can and cant get involved in with the kids?
After thinking this over, you should talk to him about this. If you two are really serious about each other then there is no need that you spend time away because the kids are over. You are a part of the household and if the relationship is stable, then I dont think it will be a problem. And kids are very accepting of these situations-just dont hurt them in the process.
Please talk to him about this and tell him that you want to be a part of the family, at least in some way.
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