A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years now with 3 beautiful children, he is the only son and he's 34 years old. His mom is 54 years old and she still treats him like he's 15 and she's still trying to control him and make decisions for him. We have talked to her before about it but all she does is cry about it then get angry at us. My husband loves my parents b/c they don't give a crap about us, all they ask for is our kids and they want to babysit them so we can have some free time and our kids are very close to them, the only thing my husband complains about my parents is that they spoil our kids too much. With his mom is the opposite, she don't give a crap about her grandkids and me, she only worried and care about her baby, whenever we go somewhere she always text me and him asking "did he make it home safe?" than she called his cell getting angry at him for not letting her know he's safe, never ONCE asked if WE made it safe, everything is him. My husband called her back telling her to relax and quit worrying about him, he's a grown man, he don't have to report to her every time he go somewhere, then she got angry (on speaker) saying that he has kids now, he should understand that a parent will always worried about their kids, my husband told her if his kids are 34 he would not harass them everywhere they go and NO news is good News, she then told my husband that he's always going to be her baby until the day she dies and she refused to accept he's grown. Shortly his sister called getting pissed off at my husband that he needs to spend some time with their mom and she's tired of her complaining to her almost everyday about him trying to cut her off from his life. I talked to his mom before and I told her I wished that she turned her focus and time to care and love her grandkids instead of my husband that would make us happy to come visit her all the time she said she was sorry and she will try to change (this was last year) 2 weeks later she goes back to her old self. Reason we don't like visiting her is she always tried to talked to my husband alone somewhere without me and the kids and she will try her best to make my husband go to the store get her stuff with his step Dad so they can have some alone time and we just stayed at her house with the kids stare at the wall while she goes to her computer playing on Facebook, I don't understand her at all I thought Grandparents suppose to love the grandkids more than their kids just like my parents?? It makes me and my husband happy I don't know ANY grandparents out there that ignore their grandkids and treat their adult children like a child ?? How can I deal with this kind of behavior? My husband told me were not going to visit her until she accept he's a grown man and love his kids as equal but I just can't stand her texting me and calling asking about his son all the time whenever he ignored her. Why do mother in laws refuse to let go? How can I deal with a difficult person like this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): here is what i did when i had a mother in law..he spent his time there instead of at home. and i found out he was changing their oil, doing repairs etc. His parents were able to do all these physically and financially. So.. i called the mother in law from a pay phone crying and told her If they kept doing this i would have to leave him and I loved him and did not want to. I never got chance to see him.. note: he worked went to trade school and slept little and went to his parents house. Iasked them not to tell him i called.. i feared what would happen. so they stopped except for his sister..yet no matter what... I never fit in. I was quite, shy and wanted them to love me. i might suggest a counselor for both of you.. because i think it can damage the marriage.. and it needs to be handled delicately.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 October 2013):
 I think you c an try and "confront" her til the cows come home, but she is who she is and she won't change.
She thinks it's her RIGHT as a mom to baby her adult son. Maybe because she is bored with her own life and therefore tried to run her son's life. It's her living "vicarious" through him.
I would honestly, follow your husband's lead and ignore the drama. Include her when you can, but don't let her guilt you into doing it.
She is NOT your mom. So she won't all of a sudden try and be a great grandmother. She is selfish and shallow. All this, is not about your husband, it's about HER. She isn't the most important person in her son's life and she is resenting it, because ... it means she is getting older. That is my guess.
You and your husband ought to sit down and talk about what rules and a plan of action, then follow through.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): My mother treats me like a child too and I am also married and in my 30s.
Since your husband is rightfully ignoring her, you should too. That's all. Nothing more. Just as you hate how controlling she is, you shouldn't try to control her either. Simply disengage.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 October 2013):
This might help you, this lady writes a great advice column:
http://m.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/carolyn-hax-firmly-but-gently-set-boundaries-with-in-laws-who-smother/2013/09/30/15d16bd2-23fa-11e3-b3e9-d97fb087acd6_story.html
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2013): "I thought Grandparents suppose to love the grandkids more than their kids just like my parents??"Loving parents make loving grandparents, toxic parents make toxic grandparents. "How can I deal with this kind of behavior?"Accept that she is who she is and she's not going to change, keep contact to an absolute minimum to keep your kids out of the line of fire, and let your husband deal with his mother and sister. "My husband told me were not going to visit her until she accept he's a grown man and love his kids as equal"That will never happen."I just can't stand her texting me and calling asking about his son all the time whenever he ignored her."Don't answer her calls, don't respond to her texts, block her number, let hubby deal with her. "How can I deal with a difficult person like this?"That's a question you should have asked one wedding and three children ago. Mother-in-law's behavior didn't radically change after you married him, she was just as controlling when you first came into the picture and if the dysfunctional family dynamics were ever to be addressed (unlikely in any event), it should have been before you decided to spend your life with him. When married your husband you married his family.
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