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female
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anonymous
writes: My question is: How do you compete with the one girl you know your boyfriend measures you against?The story:So my boyfriend's ex is still in the picture. We have been together about 3 months, and he had stopped talking to her at first because he knew it made me uncomfortable. After one of our fights, he had admitted to talking to her again, we had since talked about a break, but never made it official, but he kissed her while he was still with me. He then lied about it until a witness told me what had happened. Since then he has lied about going to see movies with her, and even staying the night with her! I cant seem to move past this subject, I want to trust him, and he promised not to talk to her anymore. I have since tried to be reasonable with her and asked her to politely just not talk to him until we got back on track, and she was very rude to me. I am so confused, and about ready to give up. I have no idea how I can compete with her.
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female
reader, lauxx +, writes (20 June 2006):
 hey chic, i have just been in a relationship like this, i would let him go as much as it will hurt that is the best thing, i stayed with my boyfriend i trusted him and he just went behind my back, my boyfriends friends didnt like me because of the same reason he was never out but the fact is he choose to do that! its time to move on, he actually liked you then he wouldn't of kissed her, i found my boyfriend and actually slept with his ex! dont let him do it! if he knows you will have him back he will do it again and again because he thinks he can get away with it! no be the better person, get rid of him, it might hurt now but think of how much it will hurt down the long run, get rid of him, get ur glad rags on look your best and go out with your mates and have fun!!! good luck go girl xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2006): Thank you both for your suggestions. I am still a little confused on what path to take. But I think I may give him this one last shot. This time if he messes up I am walking away. I realize now that I do not deserve to be treated this way, and he either needs to straighten up or ship out.
In reference to some of your questions Peter, this relationship has been over for awhile now. It ended with her leaving him for another guy. When we first started talking he claimed he hated her and would never talk to her..blocked her..deleted her number. But after this fight he said he had no one else to turn to for advice. Now call me crazy but I dont think she is the person to goto for advice. His friends...well they dont really like me either so he cant turn to them. My boyfriend is one of those guys that spends all his time with me and ignores his friends..so they pretty much hate me. I just find it unfair that she came into his life so quickly, after he had no feelings for her before, and now he is quick to defend her and call her his friend. He says he does not want to give the relationship up but he values her friendship as well. Still confused..any more help from the rest of this information?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2006): You shouldn't have to compete with her.
It's natural for people to compare themselves with their partners ex's - but this insecurity usually resolves itself by your partner concentrating on you and showing you that there is no one else they'd rather be with.
Your boyfriend is not doing this for you, and this is why you feel the way that you do.
I am assuming that your boyfriend broke up with this girl quite recently? I am also assuming that he is not over her at all. If you are over your ex, you do not kiss them, not for any reason.
Until your boyfriend is over his ex, you are going to be in a very difficult situation. There is nothing you can do to change his feelings. Getting over an ex is something that takes time, and it's something that he needs to do whilst single.
You need to ask yourself some important questions. Is it fair on you to be with someone who has feelings for someone else? Do you think you should need to compete against another girl? Should a relationship of three months be having these problems? Arn't you worth feeling like you are number 1 in your partners life?
All the best with whatever you decide to do.
Peter
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2006): Don't even think about competing with her. Your boyfriend is playing a spiteful game, making you have to feel you're in a love competition which is making you very upset. You have told him that you don't wish him to have any contact with her, and if he respected your feelings then he wouldn't. He obviously has some unresloved issues with her, and her with him, that's why she was rude to you.The fact that he has also lied to you is going to make it very difficult for this relationship to progress, you will constantly doubt him.I know its really hard when you have such strong feelings towards him, but I think it's time for you to move on and find someone who will put your feelings first. I have experienced this myself in a previous relationship, don't make the mistake I made and spent three years trying to make something, which was clearly never meant to be work.You will save yourself a lot of heartache in the process.
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