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male
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anonymous
writes: I guess I should start out by saying that I am 24. I have been going out with my girlfriend (23) for about 1.5 years and she means a lot to me. About a year ago, we admitted to ourselves that we loved eachother a lot. It took a while for me to admit to it but our relationship was so good, that I couldn't hold it in. The relationship was going great, asside for a few arguments here and there. 2 weeks after i spent x-mas with her family. she had plans with 2 of her girlfriends from college to go skiing. what came as a huge suprise was that the day before she left, she wanted to break up. i didn't know what to say because this was a complete 180 for us. we didnt break up and the next day i drove her and her friend to the airport. when she got back, she wanted to break up again. I asked why, and she couldn't give me a reason. I just didn't understand. after hours of talking to her trying to understand her BS excuses, she finally told me that she cheated on me while she was away. when she said that to me, it was clear that we weren't feeling the same way about eachother. in fact, she told me that she didn't love me after she cheated on me. this was 2 weeks after she wanted me to meet her family and i only did it to make her happy. Well, after a week of talking, we decided to give it another try. we called it a "fresh start." i noticed that ever since she got back, she has been acting a little distant. about a week after we started over, her seasonal depression hit. she has been on meds ever since i have known her so i knew she was having problems when i noticed the way she was acting. for months i tried to help her the best way i could. throughout this entire time, she realized how much i care for her. that i would be willing to sacrifice a weekend with my friends to watch a movie with her. anyways, I know i have been going on and on but I felt like i wanted to get this off my chest. now, she is starting to get better and it looks like she feels great. she still doesnt say that she loves me eventhough it feels that she is acting closer now than she did when she did say that she loves me. she admits that she loves me as a friend but not in a romantic way. I know that this is her first serious relationship and she doesn't know how to deal with love, but i dont know what i have to do. she has hurt me in so many ways and i feel so stupid to stick with her. it hurts that she doesn't understand that 20 guys is a lot of guys to sleep with before your 23 years old. i can put up with it because i love her. but knowing that she cares about me as a friend and her wanting to figure things out before she says that she loves me is tearing me apart. i have thought about a break, but i think that if we take one that 20 will go to a 40. It is obvious that we dont want to let go of eachother, but what can i do to show her that love is love. I just want to know how i can make a girl who has been with so many guys realize what it takes to be in a loving relationship? to have someone love you and love them back. she believes that when she said she loved me in the begining she meant it. why does it feel that she loves me more now and she cant even say it?
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (17 June 2006):
 How much do you know about your girlfriends past? Her behaviour: depression, promiscuity, commitment issues, intimacy issues, all point to a difficult childhood or some problems in her past, and to low self esteem. Perhaps even some kind of emotional of physical abuse, or problems with her family growing up. This is not uncommon, and the behaviour you describe is sadly all to frequent.
For you to really relate to and deal with your relationship with your girlfriend, you two are going to have to be able to be open with each other. This means her opening up to you so you two can build trust and intimacy. Given your description of her, this is going to be difficult, but it is possible.
Above all you need to show patience, empathy and understanding, especially around the fact that she has difficulty showing commitment and intimacy. Do not criticize her (such as telling her that 20 men is too many), just try to understand her and why she is behaving the way she is. It is a lot for you to bear, and it will not always feel 'equal'.
You might also consider advising her to have some kind of therapy if it turn out her behaviour is being driven by unresovled issues in her past. I very strongly recommend this if abuse was involved. Best of luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2006): To be brutally honest, it sounds like you're both holding on to something that isn't there just because you fear the hurt that ending it will bring. Sorry to sound so harsh, but I think at the end of the day it just wasn't meant to be. You deserve someone who loves you. Good luck.
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