A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my friend has had a baby to a married man,he has told her he is staying with his wife who he doesnt love even though he loves my friend in order to be with his kids.His wife will not allow him any contact with my friend or the baby ,he says that there is a chance he could still lose everything and his life is a mess so obviously things are not going too well with him and his wife trying to rebuild their family.I would like to know what to say to my friend as i feel she hasnt seen the last of him and its just a matter of time before his marriage crumbles and i worry that when that happens he will then try and have contact with the baby and i worry my friend will allow it which makes me angry considering the way he has treated her and the baby he has not even seen.what i am asking is does anyone agree that their marriage is doomed? and do you think he will come crawling back into my friends life?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2008): This is indeed a very messy situation. Certainly something you would not wish on any of your friends. She is lucky to have your support.
To answer your question - is this man's marriage doomed? Only he and his wife can figure that out. The fact is he has CHOSEN to stay in his marriage for now and from what you say he and his wife are trying to rebuild the relationship. Things are probably very 'rocky' between this man and his wife - put yourself in his wife's position, not only has he cheated on her - lied to her, snuck around behind her back, had sex with someone else etc etc....now his mistress has had a child. If you have children of your own you would have some idea how painful this would be for the wife. So - trust has been so badly broken it is going to take alot of time and hard work for them to work through what has happened and try and save their marriage. I believe that they CAN work it out - if both of them want it bad enough and commit to do whatever it takes. But...it'll be hard, so maybe it won;t work out in the end. Time will tell.
A couple of things for you to consider....
Your friend willingly entered into an affair with a married man - that makes her EQUALLY to blame for the mess that exists now.
What you friend is telling you about what he says...is what she WANTS to believe - perhaps it is what he is telling her...but chances are he is telling his wife a very different story, which includes how sorry he is for what he's done and can she please give him another chance?
The "I love you but I'm staying for my kids sake" is the biggest cliche in the "affairs" book...chances are he never intended to leave his wife at all - your friend filled some hole in him, stroked his ego etc...and then got pregnant which I'm guessing was NOT part of his plan. All it did was force things to a head - and unsurprisingly it leaves your friend alone, a single parent. This situation is not that different really to 98% of other "affair" questions on here.
The tone of your post/question indicates that it is his wife that is causing trouble by "not allowing him contact with her or the baby"...try not to assume that the wife is a bi*#h, it's likely she is a very nice person who is as big a victim in this scenario as all the children involved. It's easy for OW (and their friends)and the husband to demonise the wife...makes it easier to 'justify' the cheating behaviour. You don;t want to believe your friend would be as selfish as perhaps she was?
I also feel that IF the man and his wife's marriage is going to have a chance to survive/rebuild then he should not have ANY contact with your friend - he needs to show his wife that she is the woman in his life - the ONLY woman in his life. Carrying on any form of contact only prolongs the infidelity in my opinion, and is not constructive in any way if the goal is to save the marriage.
The new baby is another matter. IF the man wants to be involved with the child there is nothing your friend can really do to stop that - if he is in fact the biological parent of this child he has legal rights. To that end your friend is entitled to monetry support...that's her legal right (or the childs). But that's it. So - if he chooses not to be involved with the child at this time that's his choice. IF he changes his mind down the track - all your friend can do is to try and work out access issues as amiably as posible - so as to affect the child as little as possible. It would pay her to perhaps get some legal advice on how best to do this. If there needs to be contact between your friend and this man (because of the child) let it be via solicitors...that will stop and "messing with her head".
As her friend - you should be trying to support her to 'move on'. The husband has said he is remaining with his wife, he has decided not to have contact with the baby - that's what she needs to accept and go on for now. She needs to focus on that baby and on herself. She should consider talking with a therapist or someone like that - to gain insight into why she entered into an affair with a married person in the first place...and why she went on to have his child. If she can deal with that she may find happiness with someone else in the furture.
She also needs to be thinking about what she tells her child - about his/her father, their relationsip etc...but she has some time before this will be an issue.
If you want to be a good friend my advice is to be HONEST and frank with your friend....she created this mess just as much as the cheating husband - we all make CHOICES. She needs to own her part in all this, and to be realistic from now on in, and stop 'pretending' and making excuses for her behaviour.
Hope this helps.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): NOT if his wife wont allow him too !!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): Wow, your friend is in a diffucult situation. I believe that no matter what happens to his marriage, he is going to have to have some part in your friends life. The father of the child MUST pay for child support. Also if he really loves your friend he would somehow find a way to be with your friend and their baby, if only in a friend way.
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