A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've got a crush on someone and i've made a real rookie error. Basically I've liked this guy for a while but never had the guts to talk to him properly. We know each other through work. Last week we had a work social, and with the booze flowing I finally had the confidence to talk to him while we were in a group. We had a really fun night together - which ended back at his place where we hooked up. We didn't have sex, but we definitly crossed the line. Next morning everything was friendly, but sober I got a bit nervous again, so was fairy cagey. Anyway, while things were very friendly, he didn't ask for a number and the only contact we've had since is becoming friends on facebook. I'm not an idiot - I know the deal - being the random hook up girl rules out the possibility of being anything else. He's already had the goods so why would he need to get to know the person and the fact that my confidence, charm and wit goes flying out the window when ever he's around doesn't help. But I still can't stop thinking about him - the more I get to know about him as a person, the more I like. So my question is, can I turn this around and get the chance to see if he would be interested in me?In a few days I get to see him again in a social situation. I know I need to grow the spine to just relax and be myself and see how it goes. I'm working on that. But having hooked up once, I don't want him to think thats what I'm angling for and I also don't want him to think I'm uptight or I'm not attracted to him by not letting it happen again. Is there any way I can change the way he sees me, without coming across as either desperate stalker or callous slut?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys - thanks for the advice. I think to be honest I have to just take answer number 2. The fact I still haven't heard anything from him kind of proves he's not into me. And while I think what the last lady said sounds like it could probably work - it's just not me. As much as I like this guy and as naive as this sounds, I want to be with someone who likes me because he likes me, not because I've been playing a game. But thanks anyway.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2011): I would just be natural and friendly. Smile, chat and be as 'at ease' as you possibly can be. You will get a sense of his feelings, so take your lead from that. You didn't have sex, although you got intimate - that's ok. Don't give yourself a hard time. If he is attracted to you - be neither over bearing or standish, just be yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2011): Just move on with your life. He knows how to contact you and there is more of a chance he will if he feels you don't want anything from him. However, he'll more than likely just contact you when he's looking to hook up. Just move on.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (13 September 2011):
 Hi,
I don't think you did anything wrong. You like this man, were attractive to him, had a good time, end up in his place. The next time you see him, look your best, get a nice all fit, do your hair make up, be yourself and enjoy. I am sure he likes you too in some ways, otherwise he wouldn't invited you back to his place.
It's ok to be nervous, that's just the way you are, it's only normal to be a little nervous around the guy you like. Don't try to hard, just be yourself, be pleasant, and enjoy the time you are with him. I am sure things will work out. I think he has some interest in you, so don't worry.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2011): I guess it depends on what you did sexually, but if it was a BJ or beyond then yeah, you're probably in the "slut zone" right about now as far as he's concerned. I don't know you, obviously, and this advice is not for everyone because not everyone can carry through with it. You'll have to judge whether or not this is something you can do, and it definitely takes time to accomplish because you have to spend sufficient time in the transitive interested-but-not-too-interested phase. I can only speak to what has worked for me. My last two relationships began with sex on the first date, and I am with the second guy to this day. Both times I figured I had shot my chances of a serious relationship in the foot.Play it cool. As cool as you can. The last thing he's going to want is for you to go all clingy on him because you guys hooked up once. If you can act less interested than he is, there is a decent chance his curiosity will be piqued. "Dating like a man" has to be a very conscious effort on a girl's part because we are usually wired a little differently in terms of how (and whether) we separate emotions and sex. You are going to want to contact him, check up on him, elicit any sign of interest from him - you have to turn that off. Be professional to him at work, and let him contact you. If he also enjoyed the evening, and he is not attached to another woman - trust me, he'll put out feelers to see if it can happen again. "But wait," you're probably saying, "I don't just want this guy as a friend with benefits!" No, you don't, but as you said, you have put the goods on the table right out of the gate. The way you catch his interest now won't be with sex since you've more or less used that one already. But if you continue to meet him *for* hookups without making yourself emotionally available to him, you can get back an element of that "unknown" mystique. Hang onto that. Cultivate it. Have other plans and other friends, don't sit by the phone and wait for his calls, and above all make sure he knows it. In this way, you're reinstating some of the "chase," thereby giving him a reason to pursue. Good luck :)
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